The QLP Questionnaire: Ben Greene
"I treat most people as if they were family in terms of respect, in terms of trying to find repair, in terms of giving folks grace, and especially in terms of sharing love if they’re a kind person."
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I am a proudly transgender advocate and educator who has spoken internationally on topics surrounding transgender inclusion. After coming out at 15 in a small town, I devoted my career to spreading empathy, education, and storytelling around the trans experience. Whether it's for NASA, Johnson & Johnson, or over 100 PFLAG chapters, I lead with joy.
I am the author of the Substack Good Queer News, as well as the book My Child is Trans, Now What? A Joy Centered Approach to Support. I am also a fierce advocate for transgender youth, regularly speaking in their defense at the Missouri State Capitol, and am passionate about educating others from a place of compassion—no matter where they’re starting from.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’ve lived all over! I was raised in a small town in Connecticut, then attended college in Boston, where I met my (now) wife! We moved to St. Louis, Missouri, in 2020 for her to start medical school, and we just moved to California a few weeks ago for her to start her medical residency!
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I identify as a transgender man, and sexuality-wise, I guess I’d say queer? Since transitioning, and especially since getting married, I haven’t felt majorly attached to any specific orientation label, but queer works well enough as meaning “at least one Republican is probably angry about how I love others.”
What is your relationship status?
I’m married! Been married for almost two years now, and am what the kids call a “wife guy.” I am totally obsessed with my wife. Though some folks might perceive our relationship as “straight passing,” rest assured it’s very, very queer.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first queer date was with another girl while I was pre-transition. We went skiing with her family, and they didn’t know she was gay. So we pretended that we were friends, but we would listen to the same song every time we went down a slope so we could quietly share something together. It was uptown funk by Bruno Mars, which is not particularly romantic, but it was so special. On the car ride home, we held pinkies under a blanket. I don’t think I breathed the entire time.
I didn’t kiss her for the first month. On our one-month anniversary, she was about to leave my house and I was so mad I couldn’t work up the courage to kiss her, I chased her car down to stop her from leaving and kissed her through the window. It was a very chaste peck, but it was still very romantic.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?Love is not exclusive to romance, and I believe it is an infinitely powerful resource and engine for changing the world. Love is choosing someone over yourself, choosing to make someone feel seen or taken care of, choosing to fight for someone, choosing to grow for someone.
Romantically, It is certainly both felt and built. Love is a feeling, a choice, and an act. When we first started dating, I loved Samantha both as a person and as an idea, and the more I got to know her, the more that love became rooted in all the things I knew and understood and adored and respected about her. Now, I choose every day to be kind to her, to celebrate her, to make her feel beautiful, to make sacrifices for our family. I choose to try my best to make her feel loved.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
Yes and no? I don’t think it’s good for any one person to be your sole source of connection, validation, support, and community. So the relationship is incredibly fulfilling and is happily monogamous. I also rely on my family, and my friends, and my mentors, and my neighbors, and my dog, for all the many things that make my deepest needs feel fulfilled. Love is free and infinite!
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
Far fewer than I’d like, but there were definitely a couple! As a young teenager, I loved the TV show The Fosters, which later featured a main character dating a trans man and the relationship they both had with his body, his scars, etc. It was so crazy to realize for the first time that someone could see my transness as attractive and desirable. I would watch those episodes over and over again. Elliot Fletcher was the actor, and he is sooo handsome. I hadn’t realized I could grow up to be so cute!!
Then, when I was a freshman in college, I got to see an Off-Broadway play live that featured Ian Harvie, another handsome trans actor, playing a romantic lead and finding a happy ending. The show was messy, human, and beautiful, and really crystalized this idea that I was actually going to get to be an adult. While many (but not all) of my actual relationships had made me feel like my transness was a barrier or an imposition, I loved getting to see this small handful of trans men being treated like their transness was beautiful.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I’m very extra about this concept, because I’m a real squishy kind of guy. I have so much love for all the people around me, and I really enjoy walking through the world viewing all the people I love—and even people I don’t know—as part of my family. I treat most people as if they were family in terms of respect, in terms of trying to find repair, in terms of giving folks grace, and especially in terms of sharing love if they’re a kind person.
That said, I also have so many close friends who I love like true, genuine family, in addition to my biological family, who I am grateful to have had the ability to both be born into and choose as I gained their support for my transition. There are so many people who make me feel loved, and I’m so, so lucky.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I love that it’s allowed us to break so many of the norms by default about relationships. No one around me is making jokes about the “ball and chain” or expecting me to not like my wife. I don’t feel forced to fit a certain role, nor do I force her to do certain household tasks. When we opted out of the norms of sexuality, we gave ourselves the chance to build something beautiful and new. We got to queer the idea of building a family, of having kids, of home management, of really all the things. It’s so fun!!
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
Trans men who date women are such a secret gold mine!! Soo handsome and charming, but also often great feminists, will never say stupid stuff about “your time of the month,” and know how to talk about their feelings! When I hear from other women I know about their boyfriends, so often all I can think is “a trans man would never treat you like that!”
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Honestly? No. I love that we get to “opt in” to any systems or norms, and can “opt out” of many others. There are so many heterosexual norms about relationships that make me sad.
When I was touring wedding venues, I was often asked if I was “allowed” to make decisions, or told that the grooms suite had an Xbox and a beer cooler and reminded not to “forget to come to the aisle.” I told all our vendors that if they made any jokes about me running away or “last night of freedom,” they would be fired on the spot. It makes me so sad how socially acceptable it is for spouses to really dislike and disrespect one another. There are many straight couples who have opted out of this norm, of course, but it’s still a major norm that exists right now.
Could you explain your hopes, dreams and journey with married life has been like?
I love being married! Sue me for being too assimilationist, but I loved playing dress up with my friends, and having a big party with everyone I know. I love the access to support resources that I have gained through legal marriage, sure, but mostly it just was a whole lot of fun. My wife is my best friend, and I feel great about locking that in.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
I get it. I really do. I have been there. The biggest thing is to know that there are so many people of all identities—cis, trans, queer, straight, ace, poly, etc.—who are perfectly able to celebrate, love and respect the bodies and lives of trans people. I know it might be hard to find them at first, but they are out there. You are worthy of love and there are people who want to give it to you!
If you are seeing someone who makes you feel guilty for your transition, who asks you not to fight for your dreams for your body, who spends years not learning your pronouns or your name, or who just doesn’t make you feel seen as you are, you can do better!! I promise!!
Prioritize other kinds of love—chosen family, advocacy, community, planet, self-love—that can fill your cup more reliably. Once you’re looking for romantic love as an “add on,” versus something that is filling an absence, you’ll be much less willing to accept poor treatment because it’s the best you can do. You are so lovable!
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Books: A Lady for a Duke, A Shot in the Dark, Love and Other Disasters
TV Show: The Fosters, Dispatches From Elsewhere, Tales of the City
Watch a clip of Aaron Baker (Elliot Fletcher) in a Season 5 episode of The Fosters, “Scars.”
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Really appreciating this! <3 Thank you for continuing to be a light shining in times of slowly 'sludging' through....
The groom's room would have an "XBox"? Pfft. They should've gotten a Playstation or a Nintendo Switch (or better yet, a gaming PC).
Besides, gaming is better with a player 2. 😉