The QLP Questionnaire: Bronson Lemer
"I found myself identifying with the characters on the fringes, the oddballs and weirdos... I think this was an early reckoning with my own queerness and what it meant to be 'different'."
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My name is Bronson Lemer. I am a writer, teacher, military veteran, and author of two memoirs: The Last Deployment: How a Gay, Hammer-swinging Twentysomething Survived a Year in Iraq and The Lonely Veteran’s Guide to Companionship.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am in my mid-40s. I grew up in central North Dakota, but have been living in Saint Paul, Minnesota since 2012.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I identify as queer and use he/him pronouns.
What is your relationship status?
I have been married to my husband Matt for 11 years.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
At my core, I am a romantic who grew up thinking too much about finding the perfect partner. It took me years to not think about the “ideal” when it came to relationships. Instead, I now focus on what feels true and right to me about the relationships I am making.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I think love takes many forms. We can show love and feel love in so many different ways. We can have brief, fleeting moments of love and long-lasting love. I know I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love, so I like to remain open to hearing all the different ways love manifests itself.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
For a person who writes primarily about himself, I can be a pretty private, closed-off person, who doesn’t open up easily. I am working on sharing more of myself with my friends, family, and loved ones, but that hasn’t been easy for me.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I certainly didn’t recognize his queerness at the time, but my biggest queer role model growing up was Pee-wee Herman. I loved Pee-wee. I tuned in to every episode of Pee-wee’s Playhouse. I wanted to be Pee-wee because everyone liked him. He was weird and kind and jovial, and I wanted to kind of life he had, one filled with joy and wonder and delight.
I also learned a lot about friendship from watching cartoons. This may not fit the typical role model stereotype, but I was particularly drawn to a character named Tooter on the animated cartoon The Snorks. Tooter was different. He spoke only in “toots,” unlike the other main characters who spoke English. He was kind and sensitive and loved animals, but he was also clearly “different” from the other main characters. I noticed this right away and found myself identifying with the characters and people who seemed out of place or on the fringes—the oddballs and weirdos—in the movies and books and other media I consumed after that. I think this was an early reckoning with my own queerness and what it meant to be “different”.
I was also big fan of sitcoms as a teenager, so some of my earliest memories of same-gender relationships probably came from Friends and Ellen. I certainly recognized these relationships as “different” from straight relationships I saw around me, but I didn’t really know how to process those relationships.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
The first guy I dated in college introduced me to the musical Rent, which showed me a different way to be and how a different kind of love could be possible for me. It was probably the first time I realised that romantic love was possible for me.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I didn’t really like dating in general. It made me feel vulnerable and prompted me to question a great deal about myself—which was probably good for me—but I just didn’t have the maturity or tools to process these experiences (at the time).
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I’ve always been a very independent person, which, at times, has been interpreted as being selfish. Part of my struggle with many of my relationships is finding this balance between staying true to myself and my independent spirit while also opening up and giving at least part of myself to others. This has been challenging. It is something I continue to navigate and work on.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
For being an independent person who never thought he’d settle down, I have actually enjoyed the small, domestic moments that have come with marriage. My husband and I are both homebodies, so some of my favorite moments with him have been spending quiet mornings being near each other, each of us absorbed in our own little thing. We used to spend our whole mornings reading on our front porch and then chatting about what we read while we walked our dog around our neighborhood.
Lately, our attention has shifted away from reading to other interests. I’ve taken up knitting, and my husband has been absorbed in a simulated baseball game. I’ve loved spending time knitting near him while he plays his game, and then listening to highlights from his game over lunch. These are the small moments of joy I’ve been cherishing lately.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
This may sound clichéd, but my best advice would be to find a way to be yourself, truly and wholly, without fear of judgment from others. Find the people who allow you to do this and keep those people close to you.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Below, please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham; Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin.
TV Show: NewsRadio, Pushing Daisies, Bob’s Burgers
Movie: Gattaca
Song: “Heads Carolina, Tails California” by Jo Dee Messina
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Rent, Fun Home
Great to hear your story Bronson!
Thanks Bronson for sharing part of your story. Fondly, Michael