The QLP Questionnaire: Dan Pal

"I’m always surprised by people who pronounce their love to friends before it feels earned. I’ve heard people say it to me, and I wonder if they really knew enough about me to say they loved me."

Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.”
Plus, find out how to submit your original personal essay to The Queer Love Project.

We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading.

I am a retired college professor of film and television. I’ve written and directed several short LBGT-themed films, programmed film festivals and reviewed films on radio and online. I’m a member of the Chicago Indie Critics. I currently write about all things entertainment on my Substack.

---

What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 62 and grew up in the Chicago metropolitan area, living for times both within the city and its suburbs.

How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay

What is your relationship status?
I have been with my husband Frank for almost 37 years. We’ve been married since it became legal across the country

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Based on how long I’ve been with my husband, I’d say being in a long-term relationship is ideal for me. I need that consistency, loyalty and love.

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The biggest misconception is that people in relationships want the same things. What works for one couple doesn’t always work for another. There are no “rights” or “wrongs.” Each couple has to decide what works best for them.

When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I was propositioned by a good friend when I was 18. I initially rejected it, but then realized he was the best person with whom I could explore my burgeoning sexuality. Our first experience was caring and sweet. I feel very fortunate that he was my first.

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
This is a tough question because I think it can be both. There can be an instantaneous connection to another person that could be translated as love. However, I think true love, whether it be with friends or a partner, builds over time.

I’m always surprised by people who pronounce their love to friends before it really feels earned. I’ve heard people say it to me, and I wonder if they really knew enough about me to say they loved me. I suppose because love means different things to different people, so anyone who says it is valid in their feelings. For me it develops over time.

Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I think initially it can feel that way but as a relationship grows so do our needs. It’s not realistic to be everything to one person and vice versa. I have many friends that I feel very close to in different ways. Some might tap into a part of me that my husband may not. There are things I discuss with friends that I might not share with my husband. Yet my relationship with him is special because of our years together and a shared foundation of love.

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out first to a few of my really good friends when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I had a very supportive group of friends in my life at the time. Over the following several years I came out to different members of my family, the first being my mom then later my siblings.

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I don’t remember any specific role models. I remember seeing people like Paul Lynde and Rip Taylor on television who came across as fairly effeminate, and I probably thought that was what gay men were like. I do remember seeing the occasional guest star on television shows like the Mary Tyler Moore Show and Phyllis whose characters came out. Those were probably more significant because they “normalized” what a gay man could be. The stereotypes were not as pronounced.

Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
I remember the film Making Love being significant because it showed two sides of gay life: the out gay man and the closeted man who was married to a woman. I thought the film handled the subject in a very sensitive and realistic manner. I also recall reading books such as Dancer from the Dance by Andrew Holleran that really spoke to me in my early years as a gay man. There were several lines that I underlined because they seemed so relevant to me.

Do you have a Chosen Family?
Not specifically, but I do have many good friends that I could consider family. I suppose I still use the standard definition of what a family is although that doesn’t mean I feel closer to those in my biological family than to many others in my life.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Both of my parents are deceased. I have one sister and two brothers. Since my mom died, my sister has been the glue. While she lives in another state, we talk fairly regularly. My brothers and I rarely talk on the phone and maybe see each other once or twice a year. We’re all very different in terms of what we’re interested in and what we reveal to each other. (Thankfully, we’re all on the same political side!) My sister tends to ask a lot of questions. While I have a good time when I’m with my brothers, they rarely ask about my life, and I’ve found myself pulling back from them over the years.

What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I never really liked dating. There was always too much pressure. Will sex be expected? What if the connection just wasn’t there? I’ve been out of the dating game for decades now and can’t quite imagine if I’d like the online search for another man. So much of it seems so superficial with an emphasis on sex, what position you are, etc. Getting together to have sex doesn’t define a date to me. I’d prefer wining, dining,and talking before going any further!

Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
Not really. Back when I was dating, most of the guys that frequented the bars I went to were white. However, I wouldn’t be against dating someone of a different race or ethnicity.

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
It was hard when I was young, but once I met my now-husband at the age of 26, I’ve been pretty settled.

What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
I think all relationships are very different. What works for one couple doesn’t always work for others: How much sex you have, whether you have an open relationship or not, whether you marry or have kids, how much time you spend doing things together, etc. is very much defined by each individual relationship.

Have you experienced heartbreak?
I think the greatest heartbreak has always been those unrequited crushes or loves that just never materialized into anything. Without really realizing it at the time, I fell pretty hard for a friend of mine in high school. It took several years before I came out to him and hoped he’d feel the same. He didn’t, but I always felt something very strong for him. We all get crushes on other people that can themselves be considered heartbreaking because we know, for various reasons, they’ll never amount to anything.

How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
It definitely has evolved. After so many decades, there are other elements of our relationship that are more important.

Frank and Dan

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
I like not having the pressure to have kids. We’ve had a really interesting and exciting life together that includes a lot of traveling and close friendships. I think kids would have complicated or lessened those experiences.

Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Not really. I suppose the larger public acceptance of a heterosexual relationship remains a given that isn’t always the case with same-sex couples. Still, I’ve been very fortunate to have surrounded myself with a LOT of people who have always been warm and loving to both me and my husband. Our families celebrate us as do our friends. We’re pretty lucky in that way.

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
No.

Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been in a relationship for many, many years. We’ve felt like a married couple since we moved in together in 1991. There’s not a lot I can imagine that I haven’t gotten as a result of our relationship. We’ve experienced things together that I never thought were possible when I was younger. There are still ups and downs for sure but I consider myself extremely lucky to have found Frank when I did. I wouldn’t trade our journey for anything.

Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Not really. Frank is 16 years older than me. He was also a teacher. As such, he likes to teach and direct, which I usually don’t mind. Of course, I have also been a teacher and director in my life and career and have the same needs. Sometimes those can conflict, but there are certain things that he knows more about than I do and vice versa. We generally respect that.

What is your philosophy about relationships?
My philosophy is that there is no one way to develop or stay in a relationship. Everyone has to decide what works best for them individually and as a couple. No one can tell you what you are doing wrong (unless you ask for advice!) It takes some good introspection to understand what you need from another person.

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
Years of therapy and deep introspection on my part did influence me. It’s hard to name one particular piece of advice that worked or didn’t. There have been times when people have made their own observations about my relationship but those were often judgements that I either reflected upon or rejected out right.

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Be patient. Know yourself and your needs. Don’t buy into everyone else’s ideas about what love or a relationship should be. Define it yourself and don’t let the outside world dictate how you should be living your life.

---

BONUS:

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Books: The Tao of Inner Peace by Diane Dreher; Awakening the Buddha Within: Tibetan Wisdom for the Western World by Surya Das; The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. And for fun: Me Talk Pretty One Day, Barrel Fever, and Naked — all by David Sedaris.

TV Shows: All in the Family, Mary Tyler Moore, The Carol Burnett Show

Movies: Ordinary People, Annie Hall, Hannah & Her Sisters, Fargo

Songs: Too many to mention: Follow me on my Substack page to find out!

Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: The Who’s Tommy, Come From Away

---