The QLP Questionnaire: Julie Snider

"Everyone brings joy. Some when they enter the room, others when they leave. I try to be involved with the first type."

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I’m a retired public school teacher who is fully immersed in writing essays, novels, and short stories. I write on Substack, for online journals, and my debut novel, Chapel Bay Secrets, will be published in January 2026.

As a kid, I always thought I’d be a professional violinist my whole life, but that phase lasted only through college and for a few short years beyond. In my twenties and thirties, traipsed through the worlds of nonprofit fundraising and retail sales trying to keep a roof over my head. I lived with my first partner for 11 years, five of which were happy. I became a teacher at age 36 and shortly thereafter met my wife. We’ve been together for 23 years now, and I’ve learned a lot from her and from the experience of loving someone for such a long time.

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What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 66. I live in Northern California, and I grew up in Columbus, Ohio.

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Married to the love of my life.

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Married!

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I’d say the biggest misconception is that a partner can “fix” issues for one. Happiness is an inside game, whether you’re single or married.

When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
In sixth grade, I held hands with a boy I’d met at a camp. I barely knew him, maybe didn’t like him all that much.

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Love is so much more than a feeling. It’s a decision to put kindness first each and every day. Real love isn’t some euphoric experience that you try to hold onto, although there is euphoria in a loving relationship. Everything changes, including oneself and one’s partner, and it’s the devotion and commitment to being there in thick or thin that defines real love.

Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I’d say that’s a mixed bag. I do have a need for closeness, and my spouse fulfills that in terms of intimacy. But I have a healthy balance between friends with whom I share some parts of me, the closeness with my spouse, and the inner thoughts I usually keep to myself.

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out to a few friends as an undergrad, then to my mom while I was in grad school.

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
Nope, no good role models then. Queer people were to be shunned when I grew up in the 1960s and ‘70s. I had one second cousin who was openly gay, but he was sent to an asylum after he threw knives at his mother. You get the picture.

Do you have a “found family” or “chosen family”?
Sure. My chosen family consists of my friend group, most of whom are straight women (oddly). My wife and I also have a small group of lesbian friends with whom we travel, and I guess they qualify as chosen family, too.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I have some contact with cousins living in different states, and I was close with my mother and one of her sisters before they passed away. I avoided my father’s side of the family for 30 years, as I assumed they would reject me. When I joined Facebook in 2018 in order to reconnect with some of them, I was pleasantly surprised that a handful wanted to see me.

What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
It’s been 25 years since I dated. I’d best describe it as an exhilarating shit show.

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
Not since I found my wife 23 years ago.

What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
I’ve learned that the hardest part of relationships is defining boundaries and remembering the importance of staying true to my own goals and aspirations while supporting those of the other.

Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh, yes. My breakup with my first partner was ugly.

How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
It’s more relaxed and isn’t always about “the big O” as much as it was in the beginning. I’d say our intimacy is gentler but also can include the heat when necessary.
It’s been 25 years since I dated. I’d best describe it as an exhilarating shit show.

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
I think the greatest joy of being in a lesbian relationship is having such a clear understanding that my sexuality colors but doesn’t define my whole self. It’s a freedom to be able to see around the edges, into the corners. I understand what it means to be “other,” and have used that to great advantage as a teacher and now as a writer.

Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Well, having traveled in red states (and born in one), I wish my wife and I had the same freedom to simply be ourselves without worrying that some nut job might follow us. I wish we could stop worrying about losing our rights in the repressive era of T-Rump.

Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
Yes, married for 23 years. Marriage is not for the faint of heart, yet it can be the greatest teacher and the most fulfilling relationship in a person’s life.

Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
No. My wife and I are quite different people. I’m the dreamer, the writer, the cook, the softer one. She’s the fixer of household things, the neat nick, the navigator of all things travel-related.

What is your philosophy about relationships?
Everyone brings joy. Some when they enter the room, others when they leave. I try to be involved with the first type.

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
People are full of good and bad advice. If I tried to follow any or all of it, I’d never have found my way.

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
First, learn to love yourself. That’s the hardest part. Everything else will follow.

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BONUS:

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Books: Ann Patchett’s The Patron Saint of Liars. Rita Mae Brown’s Rubyfruit Jungle. Anything by Donna Tartt.

TV shows: Matlock. Kathy Bates has always been and still remains brilliant!

Songs: Old Cole Porter. “Anything Goes” comes to mind.

Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact(s): Prokofiev’s second violin concerto (especially the second movement), all of Beethoven’s string quartets, every history museum—visit them before they disappear!

Here’s more information on Julie’s debut novel, Chapel Bay Secrets!