The QLP Questionnaire: Moorea Maguire

"Relationship anarchy resonates with me a lot. I don’t believe a committed relationship has to look as society ordains."

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I’m an ordinary cyclist, a recovering public school teacher, a hater of loud noises, a childless cat lady, and a math tutor. Life has taught me to oppose censorship and to stand up for body autonomy.

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What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
46. I grew up in Oxnard, California. Now I’m a nomad, changing countries every three months. My current home is Skopje, the capital of Macedonia.

How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Since I’m mostly, but not exclusively, attracted to women, I define myself as pansexual and lesbian. Also, the irreverent misfit in me makes “queer” an apt label.

What is your relationship status?
Solo.

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Relationship anarchy resonates with me a lot. I enjoy connecting with others on a deep level and respecting them in the way they want to be respected. I don’t believe a committed relationship has to look as society ordains.

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
One of the biggest misconceptions is that couples are more evolved than single people and that marriages are more important to communal support than other types of relationships.

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I’d say that love is the decision to be present with someone, to make time for them, and to listen to them. That strong feeling at the beginning is just as important, but I’d call it infatuation. (Ha!)

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
In the late 1990s.

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
Not really. The implicit message I received was that it was a marginalized, undesirable life. That’s why initiatives such as this newsletter are so important.

Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Oh gosh, some bad sitcoms and romcoms put so many misguided ideas about love in my head. I then proceeded in acting them out in my late teens and early twenties. [Cringe].

Do you have a “found family” or “chosen family”?
Yes, very loosely assembled. I’m working on being a better friend.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I inherited an invisible dose of insidious shame (unrelated to homophobia), no doubt from generational trauma. I draw healing from the LGBT community’s history of disowning shame. After decades of trying, I’ve reached the point at which I no longer contact my parents. It’s heartbreaking.

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
Dating has been easy, but a long-term partner has been elusive. I really enjoy listening to healthy, long-term couples talk about the habits that strengthen their relationship.

Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh yes, many times.

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
Going on road trips together, cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, feeling each other’s skin against skin, looking into each other’s eyes.

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
Yes and yes. Since most women seem to want to be monogamous, though, that’s mostly what I’ve been.

What is your philosophy about relationships?
I think one of the most important aspects of any relationship is to value the other person’s perspective. Picture a cube with a different color on each side. The person who says it’s blue and the person who says it’s red are both right. But if neither person attempts to see the cube from another perspective, that relationship’s gonna be pretty shallow.

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
A wise, older lesbian once told me the happiest thing she ever did for herself was to become the woman she wanted. Does that make sense? I know, it sounds cheesy. But I took it as good advice. And the same applies to any gender.

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Keep fishing. And be clear about what you’re looking for.

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BONUS:

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Books: Alison Bechdel’s Dykes To Watch Out For (a comic book series that ran from the 1980s to the 2000s). [Editor’s Note: It’s also now available in an audio format.]

Movies: Nyad, starring Annette Bening and Jodie Foster.

Song: “Everything I Need” by Melissa Ferrick

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