Permission to Want What You're Not Supposed to Want
Moe Ari, the Love and Connection Expert at Hinge, shares ways to process attraction outside of your usual gender preferences—and how daters can embrace labels without being restricted.
I. Unexpected Attraction
I remember the moment I realized I was in love with my wife, Tiffany.
Back then, the world saw me as a femme-presenting woman. I hadn’t yet changed my name to Moe Ari, unearthed the language or courage to name the man I knew myself to be, begun the journey of gender truth, or chosen the expansive love that would guide me home.
Until then, I’d primarily dated men, as that was expected of me, being assigned female at birth. I’d had a few romantic relationships with women in college, but my first heartbreak came when a woman I liked ended things due to her fear of her family’s reaction. It took me years to open my heart again until I met Tiffany. After developing a two-year friendship and a beautiful sisterhood, I realized there were deeper feelings between us.
That’s where we’re starting this story because it’s a pivotal moment in my timeline when I faced the consequences and possibilities of wanting what I’m not “supposed” to want. Tiffany, a Black woman raised in the South, was not “supposed” to elicit the feelings and longing that she awoke inside of me.
It’s also similar to experiences we saw in our 2025 LGBTQIA+ D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends, and Expertise) Report at Hinge. After surveying over 14,000 daters, we found that daters are curious about unexpected connections. 45% of LGBTQIA+ Hinge daters have considered dating someone outside the gender or gender expression they’re typically attracted to. I remember sitting across from Tiffany one day, heart pounding, realizing I didn’t just admire her. I wanted her. Deeply. Fully. And that terrified me.
I wasn’t supposed to want her, not as a person assigned female at birth, in a religious Black family who sought approval through palatable love. Yet, this intense desire shook me to my core and revealed the cracks in the beliefs I once thought would protect me. Why did something so beautiful feel forbidden? In reflecting on this, I recognized my true self beneath years of performing for others, filtering my desires through the expectations of my parents, ancestors, and friends.
That moment was like standing at the shore of a vast ocean, with feelings crashing at my feet. I had spent years building sandcastles of safety, scripts about whom to love and how to present myself. Then Tiffany’s smile washed away my fortress, revealing uncharted depths. It was both terrifying and exhilarating as open water always is.
I had never truly learned that I was allowed to have a say in my joy. I’d inherited a silent contract: love who you’re told to love, see what you’re told to see, and remain the version of yourself that others can understand. But desire doesn’t negotiate terms, it simply arrives.
That moment with Tiffany didn’t just wake me up to love. It woke me up to myself, to a self not bound by the roles I was cast in, to a truth not defined by binaries or boxes, to a knowing that stretched far beyond identity politics and labels.
Consider the caterpillar: It inches along a single leaf for so long, believing its limits are absolute. Then it enters the chrysalis, a space of what seems like risk and dissolution. But the discomfort there is necessary; without it, the caterpillar would never discover the wings it was always meant to unfold. Tiffany’s love was my chrysalis.
And I stand today as Moe Ari, in deep gratitude for what Tiffany’s love awakened. I’m equally honored by the other loves who ushered home different pieces of me: the one who taught me to walk in my polyamorous virtues with an open heart and showed me how devotion can hold love’s multiplicity without fear.
These lessons helped me stop trying to define myself and simply be myself. Permission is not about perfection. It is about presence. I permitted myself to stop trying to figure myself out and started living the only way I know how: authentically, proudly, freely.
As the Love & Connection Expert at Hinge, I’ve seen this personal awakening reflected culturally. Daters today are rewriting outdated playbooks, leading with emotional fluency, and embracing fluidity without fear. They are discovering, as I once did, that desire outside societal scripts isn’t confusion, it’s clarity. It’s truth calling us home.
II. The Scripts + The Shame We Inherit
From an early age, we are guided into roles that dictate who we “should” be and who we “should” love. A friend of mine, for example, practiced “female postures” as a teen to attract boys, with head tilts and hip sways deemed “lady-like.” When she didn’t perform these behaviors, she was labeled more aggressive or masculine. She learned that her “softness” and “desirability” were tied to fulfilling societal expectations of femininity. Over time, she felt a deep ache of not knowing herself outside this performance, which brought her to tears upon realization.
What happened to my friend happens to all of us in some way, shape, or form. We are sorted by gender, praised for obedience, and shaped into pleasing, predictable versions of ourselves. This shaping is often framed as “good parenting,” “proper schooling,” or even “development.” But under the surface, it frequently flattens our authenticity.
I witnessed a grandmother with her grandchild in a department store. The boy, about five, excitedly reached for a doll and asked, “Can I get it?” Before he could finish, the grandmother snatched it away, saying, “Boys don’t play with dolls.” She repeated this message as they left. I could see his sadness and disappointment; he seemed upset to disappoint her and felt that his joy for the doll was not acceptable.
That moment haunts me, as it reflects how early we learn to betray our knowing in exchange for acceptance. Growing up as the youngest of six in a southside Chicago family, I was taught that hard work and education were essential. The expectation was to get As, yet I often prioritized my passion for reading over grades. I remember my third-grade teacher calling my mom because I wouldn’t stop reading in class. My mom’s reaction was unexpected; she defended my love for reading rather than reprimanding me. This taught me that pursuing our joy is worth it, regardless of expectations.
Fast forward less than 20 years later, when I came out as trans. My mother recognized my overwhelming joy about growing facial hair as validation of my truth. In both instances, it was my joy and desire that shifted the perceptions of those whose approval I once sought.
In hearing about my joy, I don’t want you to hear that my life was free from scripts, roles, and labels. In society, we are given roles to memorize and perform: the good boy, the loyal daughter, the strong one, the quiet one, the fixer, the muse. Our scripts tell us what we want and what to avoid. Like me, most of us memorize these lines long before we know what we truly feel. We learn to suppress the parts of ourselves that might not win approval, affection, or safety. And when it comes to love? We’re cast in roles so rigid they leave no room for who we are becoming.
Imagine a symphony where every instrument plays the same note in lockstep. There’s order, but no music. Our scripts are that single note, safe and predictable, but utterly devoid of melody. Authenticity is like a full orchestra, complete with the messy harmonies, flowing melodies, and rising crescendos that make a composition feel alive.
Picture your favorite music genre, mine is ’90s R&B. Imagine being told by someone you love that it’s not good music and you should prefer another genre. You’d likely feel angry and upset. If that person added, “Choose your music or lose this group,” what would you do? Many of us trade our authenticity for the sake of belonging, but true belonging comes from being accepted for who we are. Ultimately, this trade leads to shame instead of fulfillment.
Shame often arises from the gap between our true desires and what we've been taught. It tells us we are wrong for wanting certain things and triggers fears of rejection and abandonment. Beneath shame lies a longing to belong while remaining authentic. The longer we suppress our truth, the more our shame grows.
When you find yourself drawn to someone who defies what you were taught to want, whether it’s a gender, a body, a kind of softness, a type of presence, you may feel the rise of shame before anything else. It might show up loudly saying “you will lose everything if you let people see you as you are” or it might present as a more quiet story like “this kind of person is new so if we open up to them, we don’t know if this type of person will like us too”.
But let’s reframe that. Let’s get curious. Shame carries data, but it should never be the decision-maker.
The Next Time Shame Shows Up, Ask yourself:
Where did this “rule” come from?
Who benefits when I suppress this desire?
What would happen if I trusted my body, my knowing, my joy?
What would I choose if my voice were the only voice that mattered and got a say?
What would I choose if there were no consequences?
III. Breaking the Type Cycle
In our latest research at Hinge, we found that 55% of daters who considered breaking their dating patterns haven’t acted on their feelings. Among daters who have felt attracted to someone outside the gender(s) they typically date, but didn’t act on it:
50% doubted their own feelings
34% hesitated due to unfamiliarity with queer dating
25% feared rejection
If you’ve found yourself in “the type cycle,” or the tendency to rigidly adhere to dating preferences based on past patterns, experiencing an unexpected attraction can feel disorienting. In order to date outside of our usual type, we have to give ourselves permission. Self-permission is not just a skill. It is our ability to define ourselves on our own terms.
I worked with a client who frequently said “sorry” in meetings and even when ordering her latte, as she felt her needs were an imposition. Teaching her to say, “I’d like a latte, please,” helped her regain her voice.
That’s what self-permission is: reclaiming the quiet “yes” inside you that’s been muffled by years of “shoulds” and “should nots.”
Think of your inner permission as a garden. For years, the soil was trampled, overrun with weeds of expectation and indebtedness. Self-permission is the act of tilling that ground, planting seeds of your desires, nurturing your dreams, and watching them sprout from all of your hope and care.
As children, we intuitively knew what we liked. We danced when the music moved us. We reached out to people who felt warm. We said no without guilt.
But then came the conditioning:
“Be polite.”
“Don’t be too loud.”
“That’s not how boys act.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re not enough.”
Over time, we learned to distrust our impulses and began to perform for praise, questioning, “Is this okay? Is this version of me allowed to exist?” By the time we reached adulthood, many of us had perfected the art of external validation and lost the practice of internal truth-telling.
Over time, we learned to distrust our impulses and sought external validation, questioning whether our true selves were acceptable. Many of us became adept at seeking approval, losing touch with our internal truth. Thus, asserting our desires can feel radical. However, true self-permission is not recklessness; it’s about discerning what truly brings us joy. Trusting our longings can lead us to greater fulfillment.
That’s why it can feel radical to say: I want what I want. And I don’t need anyone to approve it. However, self-permission doesn’t mean reckless; it’s about discerning what truly brings us joy. What lights you up is also lighting your path to more fulfillment.
Ways to Begin Reclaiming Self-Permission:
Track where you learned to outsource approval. Who did you need to please to feel safe? Where did you learn that your worth was conditional?
Give your shame a name. Write it down. Talk to it. Make it a character you can relate to, not be ruled by. Get curious about it and why it does and says what it does. When you can offer it compassion, you’ll be offering yourself the compassion you have deserved for a long time.
Practice voicing your truth in small ways. Say what you want for dinner. Choose the movie. Wear the thing you thought you couldn’t pull off.
Build a sanctuary of people who don’t punish your becoming. Find those who honor your process. Who doesn’t need you to make sense all the time?
Remember that confusion is sacred. You are not late. You are not behind. You are exploring. That, too, is love.
Permission is not given. It is reclaimed. And once you begin giving it to yourself, the world shifts around you. You begin dating from a place of clarity, not codependency.
IV. Dating with Self-Permission
When you stop asking for permission to be who you are, everything about the way you date changes. You stop performing gender and start embodying truth. You stop trying to make people like you and start listening for resonance. Dating becomes less about chasing a fantasy and more about honoring a frequency.
A man I worked with in therapy years ago once confessed he’d never initiated a first message because he was scared of rejection. We reframed it: sending that first message wasn’t an act of bravery but an act of self-witnessing, declaring, “This is who I am.” He did, and quickly learned that people would match his courage.
Here’s the most powerful shift that comes when you start giving yourself permission to want who you want: You start asking different questions.
Don’t Ask:
Do they like me?
Do I fit their type?
Is this safe to admit?
Instead, Ask:
Do I like who I am when I am around them?
Can I breathe here?
Is there room for all of me to unfold?
When you date from self-permission, your standards change. You are no longer looking for someone to complete you. You are looking for someone to witness you. To grow with you. To love you not despite your contradictions but through them.
And you may surprise yourself. You may fall for someone who wasn’t on your radar. Someone who doesn’t check the boxes you thought mattered. Someone who calls you deeper. That is not failure. That is freedom.
Labels can be powerful, yet limiting. When used as flexible tools rather than rigid identifiers, they free us to evolve authentically. The beauty is that you don’t have to commit permanently to one version of yourself. You’re valid, even when changing, expanding, or letting go of labels. Your truth is fluid.
In dating, allow yourself to lead with curiosity, not fear of judgment. Share openly what feels true now, understanding that tomorrow, your truth may shift. Let relationships form around genuine presence rather than performance. Fluidity isn’t confusion; it’s authenticity in motion, a vital part of human evolution.
Final Thoughts…
To the one who has felt trapped in other people’s expectations.
To the one whose desire has been called dangerous, confusing, or too much.
To the one who is still figuring it out.
You are allowed.
You are becoming.
You are enough.
And the kind of love you long for?
It’s waiting for you to show up as yourself.
So here’s the invitation:
Want what you want. Choose who you choose. Trust the wisdom inside your longing. You don’t need permission. You just need to remember: It was always yours to give yourself.
 | A guest post by
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Love this!!