The QLP Questionnaire: Todd Almond
"Marriage is a place to be my full self, and I’ve luckily found someone that isn’t horrified by who that is. ... Find someone who says, 'What makes you horrifying doesn’t really bother me.' "
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I’m a writer/performer originally from a small town in Nebraska. For the past 25 years, I’ve made my living in New York City acting in theater, Off-Broadway, on Broadway (Girl From the North Country) and on television (Gossip Girl). I helped create Public Works and the Public Theater, a radically inclusive approach to American Theater, now in its 11th year, and growing internationally.
As a songwriter, I’ve been determined to make queer stories relatable. I grew up in the 1980s/’90s, so my gayness was unacceptable to my community and, honestly, to myself. But the strong queer leading me from within led me out and into communities that would help me bloom, both personally and creatively. I think so much hatred comes from fear and misunderstanding, and while I do think queerness is a different way of living from straightness, I believe people are people.
Todd Almond’s I’m Almost There is currently playing at Audible’s Minetta Lane Theatre through Oct 5, 2024. You can listen to him perform two songs from the show—“You’re Never Going to Believe This” and “Almost Halfway There”—here.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 47; I live in NYC; and I grew up in a small town in Western Nebraska. Tim and Gwen Walz were my teachers in high school. That story in the New York Times about them taking a gay student to an Indigo Girls concert—that student was me!
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay. But Queer aspirational, you know? I recognize the limits I’ve put on myself.
What is your relationship status?
I’m happily married to a wonderful man. We’ve been together for 17 years.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
I think it’s whatever works for people. I love being married, because of the emotional support. But it’s not for everyone. Marriage is a place to be my full self, and I’ve luckily found someone that isn’t horrified by who that is. That’s a big part of it. We’re all horrifying, you know? Find someone who says, “What makes you horrifying doesn’t really bother me.”
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The biggest misconception about a relationship is that the person you are in a relationship with must be singularly focused on YOU and only YOU in all ways for all time in every single conceivable way. I think a healthy relationship is about supporting one another, and not being absolutely possessive of one another.
I love my husband, and I love his way in the world. I want to support that. He wants to support my way in the world. Our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me, but I don’t want or need to control him. Honestly, I look at a lot of straight relationships, and the representation of straight relationships in media (which is most media), and I think, “Everyone just take a breath and stop trying to control each other. Support each other.”
Relationships aren’t about locking someone down, they are about lifting someone up. And, sure, it’s not easy all of the time, but it should be easy most of the time. You’ve got one life, you know, live it to your fullest, and if you want to share that life with someone, help them live theirs. You know?
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first real kiss was with a girl, in maybe 7th grade. I remember feeling exhilarated by the experience, but also that it wasn’t exactly right. Obviously. It was amazing. When I finally kissed a boy in college, I couldn’t sleep for several nights. That’s what I had been missing.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
If we’re talking about a relationship with a partner, love is devotion. I’m devoted to my husband. I always joke that falling in love was easy: I saw him and I knew. But, yeah, it takes work to keep it going. But knowing that something is important to your soul makes it easy to work at perfecting. It’s devotion like prayer is devotion. Or health. Or education. It is at your core, and so you care for you, you tend to it, and you protect it.
I say I love a lot of things and people, but I love my husband in a profound way. I will protect that love at all costs, and sometimes that means taking a look at my actions or making a claim for my needs. All of those metaphors are true: it’s a garden; it’s a religion; it’s a marathon.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
You can’t help but share every part of yourself. I mean, I don’t demand that my husband meet my every single need—he doesn’t like horror movies, I’m going to watch horror movies with someone, you know?—but I do demand that he accept and understand my every single need. Plus, you can’t hide in a relationship. Which feels nice. It’s like, here I am, and you’re still sticking around? It’s enough to make you cry.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
One friend in high school. College for the rest.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I was weirdly obsessed with Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, because I understood the gay subtext. But also Pedro on The Real World. He was so cute, and he was so in love. I really admired him.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
My So Called Life. That taught me about friendship. I loved that show.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Great, honestly. They’re wonderful people.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I was never very confident in my looks or body, so that was obviously hard. Especially in NYC. Jeeeeez. But also I think that was all on me, honestly. Confidence is sexy. I never had that. I wish I could go back and say to myself: “Be confident!”
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh, yeah. Like most young gay guys, I fell in love with straight boys who were nice to me. Ugh. Don’t do it. And my later heartbreaks were my fault because, really, I was falling for guys who weren’t nice to me! What was I thinking?
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
I’m just mostly happy all the time. We have fun together. We make each other laugh and we both love books and Kate Bush. That’s important. Not all of our tastes align, but some big ones do. So we still share things we both really love.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
No. Queerness if different. It’s better, from my perspective. Is that a terrible thing to say? I love being gay. I love the freedom that comes with it.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
It wasn’t relationship related, but it’s stuck with me. A director friend said to me, when an actor quit a show: “When people want to leave, let them leave.”
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Maybe just stay open. Don’t lock yourself into an idea of what you’re looking for. Don’t be judgmental. Think of how hard it is to be you, and then realize how everyone else feels that way about themselves, too.
Love isn’t like ordering a meal, substituting the things you don’t like for things you do. People are complicated; it’s hard to be a person. Maybe just keep looking at the world through a lens of forgiveness, and you’ll be open to someone with all of their faults.
Love can be a deep bond that is surrounded by imperfections. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. The love of your life is not perfect.
Love this - I knew Todd when I lived in New York in the nineties and he was working on Girlfriend, the show he developed with the songs of Matthew Sweet's album. It's been to gratifying to see his success! He always had a great outlook, and it's wonderful to see that's remained.
Given all the allegations swirling around Tim Walz, can you give more information and context regarding the Indigo Girls concert? Was this a typical thing for Walz to do, to take kids to concerts? Are you aware that this in and of itself is a violation of teacher ethical boundaries? Is there anything else about your relationship with Walz we should know about? Also see: https://wholisticnews.substack.com/p/confirmed-tim-walz-went-to-an-indigo-girls-concert