The QLP Questionnaire: Andy Barrow

"My divorce was heartbreaking—but not heartbreak. It was more sadness for causing pain to someone I loved and letting go of a life I thought I was leading."

Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.”
Plus, find out how to submit your original personal essay to The Queer Love Project.

We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading.

I grew up on Long Island with my bad-ass single mother. I was a really happy kid: a loving, if small, home; abundance of friends; excellent student; and loved the arts early on. I was also very fat until age 15, and I think so many of the best and worst and most-complicated parts of me stem back to the experience of growing up large. But I mostly had a good time with it, until I didn’t, and then put myself on a warped version of the Weight Watchers points system. Lost 60 pounds in three months; a really bizarre and formative experience to have as a teenage boy. I still wrestle with body, food, and self-image daily.

My debut novel, Peter in Progress, is out now!

---

What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 40. I live in New York, in the South Bronx, in the shadow of Yankee Stadium. I grew up on Long Island (Port Washington).

How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay

What is your relationship status?
Single. Divorced (from a woman).

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
You know, I’m less sure than ever. I often want for something longterm and hope to meet a man that I’ll build a life partnership with, grow old with. I’m not sure that I ever want to get married again, given what a hassle divorce was (and I had a comparatively amicable one!). But, more and more, I also consider a happy life design centered on self-love, deep friendships and meaningful—but not necessarily permanent—romantic connections. I want to remain open, and I don’t want to prejudge the value of a relationship based on how I want or expect it to end.

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
We focus too much on how relationships end and less on what they bring to us while they are active, or healthy, or serving their purpose. I know first-hand how unfinished we are—even as adults. If people are interrogating themselves and allowing themselves to evolve as fully as I believe they should, then it follows that even the most wonderful relationships can run their course. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Generally, I think we mourn romantic and platonic relationships that don’t survive or, at least, look back at them with some kind of sad, gray pall. We could celebrate growing out of relationships! And focus on gratitude for what they gave to us when they were meant to.

When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
This is tough to say, but if I’m being honest, holding a man’s hand at 36 felt like nothing I had experienced before with women. It electrified my whole body. I couldn’t believe it; I felt like a 12-year-old in my aging skin. But it was so different.

I realized that, with women, I had been doing a kind of learned performance, right down to sexual action, and presumed sexual gratification and pleasure. It wasn’t totally false, but it also wasn’t totally real; it was coming from films I had watched and books I had read. I was playing a part. But the minute that guy took my palm: Oh my god! I understood in an instant where all those scripts and novel scenes come from. It was a profound wake-up call.

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I think of love as a force that permeates walls between people. I also marvel at the fact that we’ll only ever experience life through our own singular field of experience (as far as we know). That’s true even when we’re in the physical proximity of others. Life is a a lonely enterprise by design. But love—of a person, or a moment in time, or a work of art—to me, that’s when you are somehow able to reach past your singular field and really feel that you’re experiencing life with someone, even if not through their eyes. Sometimes that’s the friend you call every morning. Sometimes it’s a man whose eyes you get lost in for one night only, under a disco ball or beside the Hudson River. Sometime’s its a passage in a novel, or a poem, where some stranger puts words to a feeling you’ve had so perfectly, that you feel seen by another.

Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I’m a very open book, and I love to share every part of myself, and to learn so much about somebody else. But I do bring a lot of privilege to that exchange, because I’m a part of a lot of privileged identity groups (I feel this even more sharply since coming out).

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
As I mentioned, I was 36(!). I came out to my therapist first; then to a few close friends, to get their advice on how to manage my situation. Remarkably, many of them told me to “try” with men before telling my wife. I understood their advice, but I ended up not doing that; fidelity was important to me, though I wouldn’t judge others for making different choices.

Then I told my wife. After I told her, it was a crazy parade of friends, family, coworkers. I didn’t have a clear plan, I mostly told people when I saw them in person.

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I think about this a lot, because I grew up in a liberal town on Long Island in the 1990s and 2000s, so I often wonder why I was asleep to myself for so long. There’s no clear or “good” reason why I didn’t realize/accept I was gay. But when I think about culture at that time, I remember that actually a lot of it was quite homophobic and, while there were some images of gay life (Will & Grace comes to mind), it still wasn’t a time when such images were flowering.

I’ve watched a bunch of shows geared at teens today (such as Heartstopper and Love, Victor), and I wonder if things might have been different had I seen such bold, positive, invitational representations as a kid. I think this generation benefits from the permission to explore and play and change. I felt like if I kissed a boy, my life would be over.

Andy (right) onstage with his audiobook narrator Michael Crouch (left)

Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
I’ve turned to so many films, novels, and shows as part of my midlife refashioning, and they have been instructive about gay life at so many levels, ranging from practical to profound. To name just a few: The Heart’s Invisible Furies; The Song of Achilles; Dancer from the Dance; Maurice; Heartstopper; Love, Victor; Pose; Queer as Folk (UK and US); Looking; Trick.

Do you have a “found family” or “chosen family”?
I’ve been amazed by how welcoming queer people have been to me. I really worried I’d be rejected, both romantically and socially, for coming out so late. But I’ve built so many genuinely great friendships here in the city. At first, they were a lot of dates-turned-friends. Then I joined MTG, a gay tennis league, and really connected with a group of guys there, and they have been a found family for sure. Now I’m finding a literary/creative community in places like the Publishing Triangle, Saints & Sinners, and Out/Play.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I’m very close to my mom. We talk every day. I have three half-siblings who I love. Plus, I have five nieces and nephews who are wonderful and growing up too fast!

What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
It’s fascinating because I have 1.5 decades as a “straight” man as a point of comparison. Mostly, it’s tons better. I find people to be more genuine, self-aware, fun, playful—willing to trust and go deep sooner—more active in their exploration of self. So I really enjoy dating “encounters” by and large. It is more fun!

What I dislike among gay men is the fickleness (I have a whole section about this in the novel). I do think there is a lot of poor communication and evasive/misleading behavior that is unnecessary. I prefer honesty and directness; ghosting, constant deferral, and excuses can get very dispiriting. And we all complain about it but seem to keep it up at the same time (I’m guilty of it, too!).

Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
I’m genuinely attracted to all races and ethnicities. I do love meeting and dating men from other countries because I find the cultural exchange to be invigorating.

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I’m so new! Some days, I feel like, yes, it’s a little concerning that I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, or anything that’s lasted more than a few weeks. But then I remember I’ve only been out for four years, and really only dating for 3.5 of those. So I’m trying to be patient with myself.

What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
I mentioned this earlier, but my whole thing is that we, as adults, are not as fixed or complete as we think we are. I think we are changing and evolving as much as teenagers. So relationships are not really about getting to know someone but, rather, being a part of someone’s ongoing journey as they are a part of yours. So they are way more dynamic than I used to believe. It’s sort of like quantum physics - you almost can’t look at a relationship at a fixed point on time; it’s already changing.

Have you experienced heartbreak?
That’s a hard one. My divorce was heartbreaking—but not heartbreak. It was more sadness for causing pain to someone I loved and letting go of a life I thought I was leading. But I felt much more visceral “heartbreak” a few months later when a guy I had been seeing for three weeks broke up with me. I sobbed like a teenager into piles of laundry for six hours. But I’m not quite sure that was heartbreak, either.

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
For me, it’s still magical to be body-to-body with a man, whether that’s sex or cuddling or anything in between. I don’t know if that’s because of where I am in my coming out journey, or that it was so deferred. But it still feels unbelievable to me.

Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
No. I don’t miss or want for that “world” at all. I think it is so heavy and laden with scripts and expectations that discourage people from paying attention to who they really are, what they want, and how they are changing. The grass is not greener. Trust me!

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I have not been. I see myself more as a partner to someONE; but I’m open to anything. How could I not be, given how I’ve surprised myself? It would depend a lot on the people, and I’d have to make sure that I had clarity on my own intentions, hopes, fears, so that I could communicate those honestly.

Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
At times. I have a tendency toward providing. I get a lot of joy out of “learning” someone, anticipating their needs and wants, remembering small things, finding ways to make their every day brighter. But every now and then, I’ll suddenly get upset or resentful because I’ll feel that my own needs aren’t met in equal stead; but it’s really not fair to the person because a lot of what I’m doing/offering has not been a demand or even request of theirs. And my original intentions were not tied to expectations of reciprocity. So I don’t like dipping into that mental space. Said otherwise, I’m often trying to figure out how to give a lot and be generous of spirit, in a way that is really healthy and participatory.

What is your philosophy about relationships?
I think they’re best thing about life, which can also make them the hardest. More fragile, contextual, and dynamic than we often believe them to be—but no less joyful or important for all of those things. I think for relationships to thrive, you have to pay attention, take people on their own terms, understand yourself and the other person and your connection as in flux. Relationships can be equally amazing, and good for us, whether they last or are fleeting.

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
This is so specific, but I was sort of hesitant to join a gay tennis league. At the time, I wanted to keep my tennis life separate from everything else going on with me, all the changes. But a new friend of mine, and my trainer, were both pretty insistent that I should do it. I couldn’t understand their dogma around it, but after I joined, I was so glad that I (finally) listened. I think they understood something about how hard it can be to make friends as an adult and that this tennis league could be the place I really get to know gay men outside of a dating-first context. And they were right!

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Just stay open—to yourself, first and foremost. Listen to life’s whispers about who you’re becoming next and what you really want right now. Be suspicious of every expectation and every script and stay humble about how well you know yourself. I think if you are in a listening stance, the universe will really gift you with amazing pathways, full of all kinds of love, many of which may surprise you.

---

BONUS:

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Books: The History of Sound; The Heart’s Invisibles Furies; The Color Purple.
And, of course, Peter in Progress!

TV shows: Fellow Travelers (Better than Heated Rivalry—my hot take!!!)

Movie: Contact

Music: “I Could Be Wrong” (the “Radio Edit” by Lucas & Steve Remix of Brandy); “Track 10” by Charlii XCX; “Only Love Can Hurt Like This” by Paloma Faith). “Go Deep” by Janet Jackson is my go-to feel good.

---