The QLP Questionnaire: Alex Espinoza
"There was nothing I liked about dating... I’d never had a boyfriend until I met my husband when I was in my thirties. Until then, I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I am a queer writer with a disability. I was born in Tijuana, Mexico, to Purepécha parents from the state of Michoacán and raised in Southern California, on Gabrieliño-Tongva land. My debut novel, Still Water Saints, was published to wide critical acclaim. My second novel, The Five Acts of Diego León, was the winner of a 2014 American Book Award from the Before Columbus Foundation. Other awards include fellowships from the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference, the National Endowment for the Arts, and MacDowell.
I am the author of the nonfiction book, Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Pastime, and have written essays, reviews, and stories for the New York Times Magazine, Virginia Quarterly Review, Los Angeles Times, LitHub, and NPR. My short story, “Detainment,” was selected for inclusion in the 2022 Best American Mystery and Suspense Stories.
I live with my husband Kyle and teach at the University of California, Riverside—within Tongva, Cahuilla, Luiseño & Serrano original lands—where I am the Tomás Rivera Endowed Chair and Professor of Creative Writing. My newest novel, The Sons of El Rey, was published in June, 2024 from Simon and Schuster.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 53 years old. I live in Los Angeles. I grew up just 20 minutes east from where I currently live.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Queer.
What is your relationship status?
Married
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Yes. The one I’m currently in.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I guess it would be that all longterm gay couples are happy and successful?
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
It was a girl in junior high. We were at a backyard party and she asked to kiss me. I don’t know if I liked it or not. At that age everything was just…confusing.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
It’s both actually. I find that love is something that needs to be cultivated and worked on and developed over time through patience and compromise. When I met my husband of over 20 years, I knew instantly that he was “the one.”
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
It certainly does. We’ve been together for so long now that we’re basically of one mind!
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
It was gradual. Not like on television or in books or whatever. I came out first to a handful of close friends. For many years I was “hiding” my relationship with my husband—not knowing that I wasn’t fooling any of my siblings. When they found out and met him, they were all so casual about it that I thought to myself, “Why did I hide it then?!” It was quite entertaining.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
None. Zero. In my time, queerness and same-sex relationships were seen as abnormal and sinful. I came of age during the AIDS crisis, when gay men were getting sick and dying alone and afraid.
I remember Jack from Three’s Company, swishing about and making gayness all about perversion and wrist twirling and a source of humiliation. So the messages I gleaned were that gayness was a sin, that it would lead to ruin, and that people would poke fun of me.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships.
I recall the lyrics, “Contempt in his eyes as I turn to kiss his lips,” from the song “Why” by Bronski Beat. I thought, “Hey. That’s a man singing about kissing another man.”
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I’m not sure. I have a handful of close friends and then there’s my partner.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
We’re…close-ish. I come from a big family, so we’re all scattered about and busy and, since our parents have both passed, it’s hard for us to gather.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
There was nothing I liked about dating. I was born with a disability and have alopecia, so I didn’t think I was particularly attractive. The gay cis male world can be very superficial, so I was always made to feel inferior. I’d never had a boyfriend until I met my husband when I was in my thirties. Until then, I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
No.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
That true love requires communication and compromise. I’ve learned so much about myself over the years when it comes to love. I’ve matured alot and my views about things like love and commitment have definitely been tempered and stretched.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
No, I don’t think so.
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
He’s my husband, my soulmate, my best friend.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
Meeting his parents for the first time. We had just started dating, and I was nervous about the novelty of it all. I was the first serious partner he’d introduced them to, so he was also a bit jittery. We ended up having a lovely time together.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Absolutely nothing.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
No. Never have.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Don’t rush it. Enjoy the time together, and don’t fret so much.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
It’s possible. Just be true and honest with yourself and know with absolute clarity what it is that you want and don’t compromise.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: City of Night by John Rechy
TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, particularly the character of Willow
Movie: Working Girl, starring Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford
Song: “Move in the Right Direction” by Gossip