If red flags are like fire alarms going off on the whole block, instead of getting out of the house, I just found ways to disconnect the power and talk over it like nothing was happening.
I could relate to so much here. Your candor and clarity shows you have really done the hard work to break patterns and understand what we do (and don’t do) when we feel utterly unloveable.
This is beautifully written, Bob. Your metaphor of the mouse kept alive just enough to continue to “play” but not flee gave me chills. There are so many moments in the piece I could point to and applaud but for now just deep thanks for your gift to all who read this. ❤️
Thank you, that means so much. I remember the first time I heard that metaphor in another context, and I immediately realized it was the most succinct way to describe what I was going through. People on the outside often don’t understand why you don’t ‘just leave.’ But when you’re in it, you can barely catch your breath—so dazed and confused that there’s no time for reflection to even ask, ‘Is this relationship good for me or not?’ I believe a sign of a healthy relationship is one that allows space for reflection and continually coming back to why you want to be together.
Wow, that was truly an emotional and inspiring piece! Your writing is phenomenal. Every word just sucks you in further. It breaks my heart what you’ve had to go through but also inspiring because it’s all made you the fabulous person you are. And knowing where you are now just makes your story that much better. I so look forward to reading more about your life and the life you share with your new amazing husband.
Bob, thanks for sharing. It must have been such a journey to organize those thoughts and get it down. But you can see in that path that it led you to the man that you are and the relationship that you have found.
It’s been both cathartic and liberating, which is why I’ve started chronicling my stories on my Substack page. The process of organizing my thoughts is its own journey—it takes a lot of work, but in that work, I find some of my best healing. It feels so good to share openly, without secrecy. It’s therapeutic and also a great creative outlet. Thank you for reading! XO
I can relate to your experiences with love Bob. It took me a lot of years, therapy and work on myself to realize I was enough too. And then voilà - the relationship appeared that I had desired all along with a gem who loves me for exactly who I am. Yay for both of us! I love seeing you so happy, enjoy reading your essays and hope you continue writing. You have a good heart. ❤️
I love seeing and hearing the joy in your posts as well. It's long overdue and so well deserved! If you ever feel like writing and sharing more of your journey, let me know. I know you have so much to say, and it’s a story that deserves to be heard. XOX
Funny you should say that because I’ve been planning to start a Substack for a while. I used to do a lot of freelance writing and blogging but health and life have gotten in the way. I’m determined to carve out a space to start writing again though.
This is such a hard and also beautiful piece of the tapestry of your life story. After going through my own divorce I resonate with it very much. Thank you for pouring your soul out so that we may relate and be a witness for each others struggles and triumphs.
Thank you for taking the time to read and share. I’m always amazed by how similar our stories can be, especially the traumatic ones. They feel so unique while they're happening to us, until we hear ten songs in a row on the radio singing about the same thing. I find comfort in that because it makes me feel less foolish or alone in my choices. The same when I read nice comments like this :-)
You’ve been brighter than the sun since I met you, my heart is so happy that you finally see what we all have since day one. Love you to the Island of Tuwanga and back! ☀️💛
You are such a shining gem and my life was forever changed from the moment we met! Keep shining, keep sharing, keep knowing YOU are more than enough ♥️
This is a beautifully written piece and you are incredibly brave for sharing your truth so publicly. It is clear from this story that you have a huge heart and want nothing more than to give (and receive) love. While I am sure this journey was painful, it sounds like it has led you to a good place. I really hope you we hear more from you! (Speaking of hearing more, you breeze through speaking about your husband in this piece - can I urge a part II to focus on your new journey of love?)
Thank you for the kind words. I was nervous about sharing this story. It's mine to tell, but I never wanted it to feel gratuitous or focus solely on what I went through. Instead, I wanted to explore why I went through it and what I’ve learned so I don’t repeat the same mistakes. It means a lot that these comments reflect that intention, rather than making it feel like a Jerry Springer episode. And I agree, I'd like to be writing about my current love too :-)
Thank you so much for sharing this, Bob. The part that really struck a familiar chord for me was feeling “unlovable.” That, too, is what kept me trapped, at least in the beginning of my toxic relationship.
Since reading this, I’ve been ruminating about what must have created such feelings in us. Knowing how different our experiences were with the grown-ups in our young lives, I think it probably had more to do with the culture of the time. Examples of gay men leading happy, healthy lives didn’t exist for us then. I only remember seeing over & over how shameful it was to be gay. So, it makes sense that the shy, sensitive souls among us became easy targets for bullies. Each little dig and insult chipped away our self-worth so much that the slightest compliment from someone we fancied sent our spirits soaring so high we could no longer see the most glaring warning signs.
It’s so nice to see that you’ve found ways to restore that self-worth. It’s even better to see what a shining example you are of a gay man indeed leading a happy, healthy life. 😊💙
I think I have a few more essays in me chronicling my years of feeling unlovable if you ever want to collaborate. Thank you for your beautiful share and support. XO
Thank you for sharing your heart in this. I am one of those friends who remembers you saying that about yourself when you first started dating, and it broke my heart for you. I hate that you had to go through all of that pain, but I am so happy to see you thriving and knowing your worth now. You deserve all the good things. love you ❤️
I could relate to so much here. Your candor and clarity shows you have really done the hard work to break patterns and understand what we do (and don’t do) when we feel utterly unloveable.
Thank you. We do so much work and yet there's always still so much work to do. The key is to not get exhausted by the work so we keep going!
This is beautifully written, Bob. Your metaphor of the mouse kept alive just enough to continue to “play” but not flee gave me chills. There are so many moments in the piece I could point to and applaud but for now just deep thanks for your gift to all who read this. ❤️
Thank you, that means so much. I remember the first time I heard that metaphor in another context, and I immediately realized it was the most succinct way to describe what I was going through. People on the outside often don’t understand why you don’t ‘just leave.’ But when you’re in it, you can barely catch your breath—so dazed and confused that there’s no time for reflection to even ask, ‘Is this relationship good for me or not?’ I believe a sign of a healthy relationship is one that allows space for reflection and continually coming back to why you want to be together.
Wow, that was truly an emotional and inspiring piece! Your writing is phenomenal. Every word just sucks you in further. It breaks my heart what you’ve had to go through but also inspiring because it’s all made you the fabulous person you are. And knowing where you are now just makes your story that much better. I so look forward to reading more about your life and the life you share with your new amazing husband.
I’ve only made it this far thanks to the love and support from people like you. So, thank you—always—for being there. XO
Bob, thanks for sharing. It must have been such a journey to organize those thoughts and get it down. But you can see in that path that it led you to the man that you are and the relationship that you have found.
It’s been both cathartic and liberating, which is why I’ve started chronicling my stories on my Substack page. The process of organizing my thoughts is its own journey—it takes a lot of work, but in that work, I find some of my best healing. It feels so good to share openly, without secrecy. It’s therapeutic and also a great creative outlet. Thank you for reading! XO
I can relate to your experiences with love Bob. It took me a lot of years, therapy and work on myself to realize I was enough too. And then voilà - the relationship appeared that I had desired all along with a gem who loves me for exactly who I am. Yay for both of us! I love seeing you so happy, enjoy reading your essays and hope you continue writing. You have a good heart. ❤️
I love seeing and hearing the joy in your posts as well. It's long overdue and so well deserved! If you ever feel like writing and sharing more of your journey, let me know. I know you have so much to say, and it’s a story that deserves to be heard. XOX
Funny you should say that because I’ve been planning to start a Substack for a while. I used to do a lot of freelance writing and blogging but health and life have gotten in the way. I’m determined to carve out a space to start writing again though.
This is such a hard and also beautiful piece of the tapestry of your life story. After going through my own divorce I resonate with it very much. Thank you for pouring your soul out so that we may relate and be a witness for each others struggles and triumphs.
Thank you for taking the time to read and share. I’m always amazed by how similar our stories can be, especially the traumatic ones. They feel so unique while they're happening to us, until we hear ten songs in a row on the radio singing about the same thing. I find comfort in that because it makes me feel less foolish or alone in my choices. The same when I read nice comments like this :-)
Thank you for sharing this with the world. Your bravery in your words will inspire many people to find their voice. ❤️
You are so kind. Thank you! X
beautiful
Thank you!!! XO
What a powerful piece - so happy the path you took led to such a perfect, peaceful and joyful place.
Wishing all the same for you xo
You’ve been brighter than the sun since I met you, my heart is so happy that you finally see what we all have since day one. Love you to the Island of Tuwanga and back! ☀️💛
I love you!! Thank you for always riding along with me xo
You are such a shining gem and my life was forever changed from the moment we met! Keep shining, keep sharing, keep knowing YOU are more than enough ♥️
Love you! Thank you so much for your support... from the marriage to this essay and everything in between. Means more than you know! xo
I relate so much. 🥰
Thank you for sharing.
and thank YOU for taking the time to read!
This is a beautifully written piece and you are incredibly brave for sharing your truth so publicly. It is clear from this story that you have a huge heart and want nothing more than to give (and receive) love. While I am sure this journey was painful, it sounds like it has led you to a good place. I really hope you we hear more from you! (Speaking of hearing more, you breeze through speaking about your husband in this piece - can I urge a part II to focus on your new journey of love?)
Thank you for the kind words. I was nervous about sharing this story. It's mine to tell, but I never wanted it to feel gratuitous or focus solely on what I went through. Instead, I wanted to explore why I went through it and what I’ve learned so I don’t repeat the same mistakes. It means a lot that these comments reflect that intention, rather than making it feel like a Jerry Springer episode. And I agree, I'd like to be writing about my current love too :-)
Thank you so much for sharing this, Bob. The part that really struck a familiar chord for me was feeling “unlovable.” That, too, is what kept me trapped, at least in the beginning of my toxic relationship.
Since reading this, I’ve been ruminating about what must have created such feelings in us. Knowing how different our experiences were with the grown-ups in our young lives, I think it probably had more to do with the culture of the time. Examples of gay men leading happy, healthy lives didn’t exist for us then. I only remember seeing over & over how shameful it was to be gay. So, it makes sense that the shy, sensitive souls among us became easy targets for bullies. Each little dig and insult chipped away our self-worth so much that the slightest compliment from someone we fancied sent our spirits soaring so high we could no longer see the most glaring warning signs.
It’s so nice to see that you’ve found ways to restore that self-worth. It’s even better to see what a shining example you are of a gay man indeed leading a happy, healthy life. 😊💙
I think I have a few more essays in me chronicling my years of feeling unlovable if you ever want to collaborate. Thank you for your beautiful share and support. XO
Thank you for sharing your heart in this. I am one of those friends who remembers you saying that about yourself when you first started dating, and it broke my heart for you. I hate that you had to go through all of that pain, but I am so happy to see you thriving and knowing your worth now. You deserve all the good things. love you ❤️
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💜
This hit on so many levels right where I needed it. Thank you so much!!!
That means a lot. Thank you 💜
for real. I definitely had some triggering moments while working with Bob on this essay