The QLP Questionnaire: Chad Beguelin
"There were no positive role models when I was growing up. I’m somewhat jealous that kids have shows like 'Heartstopper.' It’s one of the reasons I decided to write 'Showmance'."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I’m a six-time Tony Award nominee and my Broadway writing credits include The Prom, Aladdin, Elf and The Wedding Singer. My debut novel, Showmance, was just published by Penguin Books.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 55 and live mostly in Bridgehampton, NY, but my husband and I have apartments in New York City and Miami. I grew up in a small town called Centralia, Illinois. It’s about an hour from St. Louis, Missouri.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
As a gay man.
What is your relationship status?
I’m married to my husband Tom and we’ve been together for 30 years.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I’m very happy being married.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I’m often surprised at the pushback some people give when they find out that Tom and I are monogamous. I’ve had people tell me, “Well, that never lasts.” or “Why are you being so heteronormative?”
For Tom and me, we just prefer to keep sex as something special between the two of us. Perhaps someday that will change, but it’s worked so far and I have no desire to go looking for any action outside of our relationship. I’m always kind of surprised when we get judged for it.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
The first guy I kissed was my first boyfriend. We met my freshman year at NYU. I remember that first kiss and how electric it felt. It was nothing like kissing girls, which I had done in high school. It was thrilling, and I realized this was how I was supposed to feel when kissing. It confirmed for me right on the spot that I was gay.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I fell in love with Tom at first sight. I was doing a directing internship at Juilliard and was an assistant director on Uncle Vanya. I went out with the cast after rehearsal one night to a gay bar called,The Works. Tom walked in, and I was absolutely smitten. I worked up my courage and walked up to him and said, very cheesily, “You’re cute. Why aren’t you talking to me?” Thankfully the music was too loud for him to hear my lame line.
We started talking and ended up sharing a taxi home with some actors from the show. We dropped Tom off first and, by the time I got to my apartment, there was a message on my answering machine. (This was before cell phones and the internet.) It was Tom saying, “I was afraid if I didn’t call you now, I’d chicken out, but I really loved meeting you tonight.”
I called him, and we talked on the phone until the sun came up the next morning. We arranged to meet each other a few days later and quickly moved in together. So I think love can happen at first sight, but I know that, over the years, we’ve had ups and downs and love takes work. It takes being patient and accepting and forgiving.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
Tom and I are extremely close and share everything. I couldn’t keep a secret from Tom if I tried, because I always want to know his thoughts on everything.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out my freshman year to my family. It was a very different time and, while they weren’t upset, I could tell they were confused and not sure how to handle the information. I remember sending my mom a book about accepting your gay children, or something like that. At the time, she said it was very helpful. Now everyone is completely accepting of me and they love Tom almost more than they love me. Which is amazing.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
There were no positive role models when I was growing up. I’m somewhat jealous that kids have shows like Heartstopper. It’s one of the reasons I decided to write Showmance. I wanted to contribute to the positive stories that are being told these days.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Very early on in our relationship, Tom and I were watching some morning show and and therapist said that the most important words in a relationship were “Thank you.” Tom and I took that to heart, and we thank each other a million times a day. “Thanks for walking the dog.” “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher.” It definitely has helped us to remember to appreciate each other.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I have several close friends.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
I’ve been nominated for a Tony Award six times and never won. (Always a bridesmaid…) After each ceremony, Tom and I come home and take off our tuxes, put on our “sleepy time clothes” and play with our dog. And every time I think, this moment, being here with the guy I love and the dog I cherish are the real reward. It’s true. Just please don’t tell the Tony voters.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Tom and I are good at very different things. He’s a CPA, so he handles the taxes, the finances, etc. I’d be completely lost without him. I’m the very bad tech guy, but I play that role because Tom sometimes can’t even figure out how to turn on the TV. Tom loves to cook, and I love to bake. So whoever is best at something is charged with taking on that “role.”
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: Showmance (naturally.)
TV Show: Heartstopper
Movie: Maurice
Song: “We Walk the Same Line,” by Everything But the Girl
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: The Prom (naturally)
