The QLP Questionnaire: Charlie MacCall
"As a trans guy, this is the first relationship I've been in where we've both said we prefer monogamy. I always felt like I couldn't turn down my partners on an open relationship..."
Have you struggled to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
My name's Charlie, I'm a classically trained musician working in New York City's local pop music scene by night and for a family law firm by day. I've played as an instrumentalist and worked as a producer for a number of different acts, including various local pop artists, the Gay Men's Chorus of NYC, multiple New York Pride events, and am about to launch my first solo project. You can find me under the name Pink Tailed Deer or @pinktaileddeer and listen to my music on SoundCloud.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I'm 34. I live in NYC and moved here right after college but grew up in New Hampshire. It's hard to imagine living full time anywhere but here.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I'm a gay trans man. For me, that means I transitioned from female to male, and that I like men (cis, trans, NB—all I care is that they're men or identify as masc). I also identify with the term “queer.” I know some in our community don't.
What is your relationship status?
Dating, I've been dating a guy for several months but we just recently decided to become committed, or “in a relationship,” with each other. Some might call that “longterm,” but based on the timeline that could be up for debate.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
Interesting question! I don't think there is such a thing as an ideal relationship status. All of them have their challenges and in certain situations or with the wrong person(s) may be very unideal.
“I've felt completely isolated in certain relationships and felt much freer and more loved once I got out of them and was single. I really think it depends on the people involved.”
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That only one of them would equate to loneliness. I've felt completely isolated in certain relationships and felt much freer and more loved once I got out of them and was single. I really think it depends on the people involved.
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
It was actually quite sweet, albeit confusing. I was sitting in a middle school classroom talking with a guy my friend was dating before school started. He said goodbye to go to his class before the bell rang, but suddenly leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I had never been kissed before period and was elated, but obviously I was scared of the implication.
Turns out he and my friend were open, and she was well aware of his feelings toward me. This led to a complicated experience and the realization that polyamory didn't work for me, but it was an early introduction to the idea of it being right for others.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
There's a lot of different types of love. When we talk about love for a romantic partner, I think of it more in regards to the feeling that grows over time. It can occur right after the butterflies start (and often does for me), but it's that feeling of wanting the best for the other person regardless of my own desires—unconditional love.
I know I've fallen in love with someone because I start to feel a willingness to sacrifice things I wouldn't for someone else, mostly because it no longer feels like a sacrifice. Things like happily reserving a Saturday to go support them at something they love instead of spending it how I might want to, or taking care of them when they're sick even though I might get sick too. I only feel that way when I begin to trust that they will take care of me and do the same in return. Figuring out how to make sure I honor my partner while not disrespecting myself has been a challenge throughout my life because of this, but I've gotten a lot better at it. I've been in an abusive relationship before so it's always something in the back of my mind.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
An intimate relationship fills a really important part of me, but I don't think it will ever fill everything on its own. I still have friends and others who I share certain interests and hobbies with that my partner doesn't share with me. Allowing each other space is just as important as making time for just us.
Despite that, however, the difference with a partner is that I still want to be around them (and have them around me) even when we're both doing things the other may not enjoy as much. I often draw or sketch while my boyfriend cooks or watches videos about new recipes. We share them with each other sometimes—even if we wouldn't normally be interested otherwise.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
When I was 17 and realized what the word “transgender” meant. Prior to that, I was planning to run away at 18 and find a cosmetic surgeon who would help my body match how I was feeling. I didn't realize prior that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. I had known since I was at least 12, so it was a huge weight lifted when I learned, but I realized I needed to tell everyone else in my life now that I had the words for it.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I liked a lot of artists who played with conventions surrounding gender. I got very into Japanese rock and Visual Kei specifically because it was cool for men to look as feminine as possible while they played hard rock music that would usually be associated with the most masculine of guys.
At that time, I didn't know any trans men represented in media at all, or even what one was. I came out to my dad by referencing Hillary Swank's character in Boys Don't Cry, which I only found out about after learning what “transgender” meant. I'm really glad that kids today have clear, unambiguous trans role models they can look up to.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships (this can be songs, TV shows, books, movies, etc.)
I watched a lot of the American version of Queer As Folk when I first started realizing I was a part of the community. It's pretty dated now, but it introduced me to the possibility of love between men in many different forms. I related a lot to Justin as a teenage artist, but I also appreciated how certain episodes of the show emphasized the importance of acceptance and love for all queer people—not just those who were capable of blending in with cis het folks. The fact that they didn't demonize sex workers or people suffering from addiction also always stood out to me even well before I knew what that really meant.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I'm fortunate that they love me and I love them. It's not always easy and they often don't understand why I might be uncomfortable with some of the things they say or do, but I always try to understand where they're coming from.
They love knowing I'm happy, and have been especially excited to learn about my latest partner. I hadn't dated anyone seriously for six years prior to this relationship, so I think they're especially happy I've found someone who loves me for me after so long.
What do you like about dating as a LGBTQ+ person? What do you dislike?
I've mostly dated cis men so that has been a challenge at times. My partners have mostly been great, and I've gotten to purely enjoy the pro's of guys dating guys: sharing clothes, being a little sloppy with chores sometimes, etc.
Despite the fun things, there definitely have been multiple times where me being trans comes up as an obstacle for my partner. I even had one partner where he behaved as if we were a heterosexual couple, though in reverse. He had an issue with me being roommates with other gay men, saying: “If I was a woman, would it be OK for you to room with other women?” My personal answer was, “Yes,” but I understood why he’d have an issue at the time. Ironically enough (or maybe not), he left me for one of my roommates.
I have dated other trans people as well. The first person I dated after coming out later came out as a trans woman, and we're still friends more than 16 years later. There's a certain level of understanding with dating someone who knows exactly what you've been through that feels incredible, but it’s hard to convey verbally.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
I've dated people from a variety of different cultures and races. Race has never factored into my decision to date someone, as that's always been based purely on the connection I feel and if it's reciprocated, but I've learned that there's a certain connection from not being recognized by American society as the archetype that's “supposed” to be considered the ideal—i.e. the white, cis, muscular posterboy—even when I think they’re insanely attractive (and hopefully vice versa).
Race and gender are obviously very different things, but I really appreciate being able to laugh or lament with my partner about stereotypes or fetishizations that are placed on us by others. That can apply to a lot of things though—body type, age, disability—and I'm sure trans people of color would have a lot more to say on that.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I feel like being trans and dating will always have its difficulties. Finding cis partners that are not just cool with it but love all of me—from my body to my mind—has been a struggle, but I've obviously been able to find it with a handful of really great people.
Trans partners allow for a more immediate level of intimacy due to an understanding we share and the fear of getting to know each other is also lessened, but we're both still people so we don't always click on everything automatically. There's also a lot less of us and I admittedly don't find myself in predominantly trans places too often. It can feel a bit like the two out gay guys in high school being set up by all of their friends even when they have nothing else in common.
All of that is probably in part why I was single for so long before finding my current partner.
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
He's my boyfriend. It's still pretty new, we just became “committed” three months ago, meaning that we became monogamous partners. We started dating six months prior to that though, so we've been taking it relatively slow.
“Dating as an adult,” in general, is kind of new for me. I was in a relationship for five years fresh out of college and broke up a little over a year prior to the pandemic, so only now have begun seriously dating again. I've had other sexual relationships in that time, but would probably have classified most of those as “friends with benefits” or people I was casually dating to see if a relationship would work out. We've had our challenges due to the conventions of gay dating and are continuing to work through them, but I'm really happy I ended up with the guy that I did.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
I think heteronormative relationships more often value monogamy, which I prefer in my own dating life. They don't necessarily do a good job of upholding it though, so as difficult as it has been to find a male partner who also values monogamy, it's been well worth the wait. Plus even in a community where non-monogamy seems to be the standard, I'd much rather navigate ethical non-monogamy than non-consensual polyamory.
I will say, as a trans guy, this is the first relationship I've been in where we've both said we prefer monogamy. I always felt like I couldn't turn down my partners on an open relationship when it inevitably came up because I was the first trans person they had dated and it felt unfair to ask them as cis men to forever give up on sex with other cis men. My heterosexual trans male friends have seemed to have an easier time with finding monogamous partners (though I definitely have hetero and non-gay trans friends who are poly or non-monogamous too and in happy relationships).
I've definitely learned to appreciate that sex isn't equal to love as a result and have found ways to boost my own self-confidence and the power to ask for what I want and need. It will probably be something I continue to work on for all of my life.
“When I first came out, I told everyone I was a top. To this day I have never been the top in any relationship whatsoever but a lot of people still assume that I am without me saying anything.”
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
When I first came out, I told everyone I was a top. To this day I have never been the top in any relationship whatsoever but a lot of people still assume that I am without me saying anything. Maybe it's because they consider me the more masculine partner, probably a side effect of trying to blend in as a trans guy. I used to be more self-conscious about this, and I think the guys I dated were too, but now I'm just really happy being myself and cracking jokes about societal expectations.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Be yourself, and don't try to hide who you are. I used to be stealth (i.e. letting people assume I was cis instead of trans), and it was actually much harder to find satisfying relationships as a result—both in terms of romantic relationships and friendships. I'm a lot happier now that I don't hide it.
If you're not comfortable though, or not in an area where you can be unapologetically open, don't worry about taking your time to find someone who will accept you for you in order to protect yourself. New York City is obviously a lot safer than New Hampshire ever was, but I still found loving partners prior to moving here by testing the waters before coming out to them.
BONUS
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Steven Chbosky. Can't say I recommend his other book, but I read this one on repeat as a teen.
TV Show: Yu Yu Hakusho. It was the first show I enjoyed as a teen that made me feel like an adult. Acceptance of death, finding a destiny beyond high school, growth well beyond expectations—the gay subtext between two of the show's strongest characters and a villain who canonically transcends gender didn't hurt either.
Movie: Amélie. I left notes to strangers for years after watching it without even realizing where I'd gotten the idea from.
Song: “Best To You” by Blood Orange. Probably my favorite artist of all time - his whole discography is fantastic.
Play, Musical, Other Cultural Artifact: Company by Stephen Sondheim. Each iteration I experience, from just listening to the score to each live interpretation I've seen, gives me a deeper understanding of human connection and human experience overall every time.