The QLP Questionnaire: Lovell Holder
"None of us have ever met all the people who are going to love us. That’s not just romantic love. That can be the love of a future best friend or even the love of a child or niece or nephew."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
My name is Lovell Holder, and I’m a gay filmmaker, whose movie Lavender Men is currently on the festival circuit and coming to theaters in 2025. Some of my past movies include Peak Season, Midday Black Midnight Blue, Working Man, The End of Us, Loserville, and Some Freaks—all of which are out there and available!
If you want a quick little taste of my work though, you can check out my short “You Say Hello” on Directors Notes for free. Lastly, my first novel, The Book of Luke, will be published by Grand Central Publishing in December 2025, and it’s a very gay story set in the world of reality TV, which I can’t wait for people to read!
Lavender Men, a new film directed by Lovell Holder and written by Holder and Roger Q. Mason, based on Mason’s critically acclaimed stage play, screens at the Micheaux Film Festival in Los Angeles, Calif., on Saturday, October 26 at 2:20 p.m. at the Culver Theater.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 38, and I divide my time between Los Angeles and Charlotte, North Carolina, where I was born and raised.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m gay.
What is your relationship status?
I’m currently single.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I’d love to be in a long-term partnership, and I’m definitely open to marriage. But the whole point, I suppose, is that two people have to agree to use that term, so if I was with someone who was all for the commitment but not so much the label, that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I’d argue the biggest misconception about being single is those who are are constantly trying not to be. I’ve definitely had periods where I was actively looking for a relationship, but I’ve also had moments (either due to professional commitments or what not) where I’ve been relieved and grateful that I did not have another person whom I owed anything to at that time.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I’d certainly had experiences with girls prior to this, but since we’re zeroing in on queer love specifically. My first kiss with a guy (separate from onstage acting roles) would have been my junior year of college. And the bummer of it was that I didn’t have too much of a say in the matter.
An upperclassman—who was very drunk at the time and, as far as I knew, very straight—grabbed me in a totally public room at a party and quite aggressively kissed me before running off. At the time, the whole thing was so shocking (for me as much as the people surrounding us) that I didn’t fully realize until years later that that was my first gay kiss. Honestly, I think I’ll always resent that guy for being my first: He’s definitely not whom I would have chosen. Even separate from this encounter, he always behaved like a total douchebag.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason? I think the answer to what “love” is warrants as many answers as there are relationships. I’ve definitely had someone where the connection felt almost rooted in biological chemistry, to the point where we would know when the other person entered a crowded room even with our backs turned.
By the same token, there have been other people for whom my attachment very much developed over time. Of course, this is specifically romantic love I’m referring to here, but I’d argue that my definition of other types of love falls under the same umbrella, which is to say: “Love is a deep personal commitment to another person that is most successful when both parties are directing the same level of energy to the relationship—and both parties feel that commitment exactly how the other person means them to.”
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
Looking at my last relationship, ironically I think we became closer once we broke up. We were perfectly fine as a couple, but we are fantastic as exes. I think that we both wanted very different things in life (and knew that), and that innate hurdle caused us to put up more walls during the relationship itself.
Once the parameters had changed though, we were able to be ourselves around each other more fully and grow into the roles where we could most fully support each other. In this case, dear friends who have now been platonic pals longer than the six months that our romantic relationship lasted.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out to a friend for the first time at 18. It did not go well, so then it was another two years before I came out to other friends—and it went much better. I always maintained, even then, that I would always answer the question of my sexuality honestly if I were asked. It’s just that no one ever did—which at the time was totally fine.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I grew up in the South in the ‘90s/early 2000s, so out role models were limited just by virtue of the community I was in. I think some of the primary core texts that influenced me in terms of queer characters were the shows that aired on the WB, specifically Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek, Felicity…
I also think MTV shows like The Real World, Road Rules, and The Challenge made a major impact as well that still lingers for me in terms of queer representation, as much for the queer young people spotlighted but also the straight allyship they received on those shows.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships.
In addition to the pieces flagged above, I’d also cite Michael Cunningham’s book The Hours and the subsequent film adaptation. I think that opened up a lot for me when I encountered both at 16, both as a gay man but also as a future gay storyteller.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I admittedly sometimes bristle at this term as I feel it’s become a little overused and corporatized in our current cultural dialogues. As an only child, however, I think I’ve always felt like my closest friends are family; they are the brothers and sisters that I never had biologically.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I’m very close with my parents, who could not be more wonderful and supportive.
What do you (did you) like about dating as an LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I think dating can vary so much based around what city you’re in at a given time. For example, the biggest thing that I’ve found frustrating in LA is that it doesn’t feel like a city that rewards commitment, just because everyone’s always thinking something better could be around the corner. That said, the positive side of that is that it does always feel like there are new people to meet, just by virtue of how many people are moving there, etc.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
No, I’ve had the pleasure of going on dates with gentlemen of virtually every background and demographic.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
Most definitely, and I think anyone who didn’t answer yes here would be lying. Everything’s difficult—being single or maintaining a relationship—which isn’t a bad thing. There’s great worth in challenges, but I wouldn’t trust anyone who blanketly said either was easy.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
There can be great lessons and value in a relationship, even if it doesn’t last forever. As Carrie Bradshaw once said: “Some love stories are short stories.”
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Yes, of course—and again, I’m not sure I’d trust anyone who hasn’t. If they hadn’t, they’re missing a core developmental element that allows you to empathize with people and understand the world.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
I think I tend to underestimate how lovely and simple it is to simply sit on the couch together watching television or reading in silence. Moments of stillness have historically always caught me off-guard by how special they are.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Maybe it’s just because I’m answering these questions in the weeks leading up to the 2024 presidential election here in the U.S., but I’d say I’m envious of absolute legal protection, as opposed to feeling like certain rights could always be taken away.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
I never want to be in a relationship simply for the sake of having one. Maybe it’s just the product of being an only child, but I’m very comfortable with solitude, so I don’t need someone there unless they’re a true and genuine positive addition to my life. I’m not in the habit of collecting pieces of driftwood, as it were.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Hmmm… I’d say that none of us have ever met all the people who are going to love us. And that’s not just romantic love. That can be the love of a future best friend or even the love of a child or grandchild or niece or nephew.
On Lost, a character once said, “The end only happens once, everything else is just progress.” No matter how disheartening a given moment might be, change will inevitably come, new people will enter your story, and—frustratingly, but magically—you’ll never see it coming.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: A recent book I absolutely adored was Underburn by Bill Gaythwaite. It’s a beautiful, funny, well-paced novel about generational healing. It deserves a chorus of admirers!
TV Show: If you haven’t watched Hacks yet, what are you waiting for? Jean Smart can do no wrong. She won my loyalty early in childhood with Homeward Bound, and she hasn’t lost it.
Movie: It’s a deep cut, but if you’ve never seen the movie Mean Creek, it’s a breathtaking portrait of teen struggles. A brutal but deeply humane film.
Song: Anything by Florence + The Machine is always high on my list, but if you’re working on something (or through something) it’s hard to beat the collective catalogue of The National, as their lyrics are so hyper-unique you can project any personal experience upon them. And I only started listening to them because Florence posted about them, so her tastes are clearly beyond reproach.
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: I truly don’t believe it’s possible for there to be a bad production of Into the Woods. It is perfectly conceived (the original musical, not the Disney adaptation—to be clear), and I will watch it live in any form at any opportunity. The magic of Sondheim, in every sense of the word.