The QLP Questionnaire: Dusty Brandt Howard
"I love cruising, a glimmer of eye contact shot across the room that can set your body on fire. ... I love how honest queer desire is, unburdened from the repressive rules of traditional dating..."
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I’m a writer and a fighter who grew up as a poet on the Front Range of the Rockies. As I got older, I realized the power of full and complete sentences and have since ripened into a personal essayist and lover of creative nonfiction.
I’m the author of the BOYS LOVE POETRY newsletter on Substack, and my work has also been published in journals and magazines, including The Lifted Brow, THEM, Cleaver, Foglifter, and Decent. I’m currently hard at work on my first book, Trust No Man, a memoir about how to trust yourself as a masculine person in a patriarchal world.
When I’m not writing or teaching, I’m playing soccer, hiking, camping, building fires, road-tripping, giving unsolicited advice, or spending idle time with my beautiful family in Colorado.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up
I’m 33 in July. I live in Colorado, in the same city I grew up in after spending 14 years living a very exciting queer life in big cities all around the world.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m a trans masculine queer guy.
What is your relationship status?
I am happily engaged to my drop dead gorgeous fiancée and getting “gay married” later this year.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That you are miserable if you are single and happy when you aren’t. Some of the worst shit I’ve ever been through happened when I was in a relationship that was “couple goals” on Instagram, and some of my most grounded, beautiful, and transformational experiences happened when I was single. Don’t let time pass you by wishing your life was one way or the other. Make the most of what you have when you have it.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I made out with my best friend and first crush Nik in a fort in his bedroom during a sleepover when I was nine years old. He taught me how to french kiss, and I liked it. We skateboarded around together, stole honey sticks from the neighborhood organic grocery storm, and did trick-jumps off his bunk beds in piles of pillows—typically boy shit. His mom was Swedish, so she didn’t care. My mom freaked out when she found out because I was nine. No more sleepovers at Nik’s house after that. We actually broke up because the only other dykey tomboy in my grade ran over to me during recess and asked if I was in love with him and when I said, “No? I don’t know?” (remember, I was nine), this kid ran back over and told him we were over.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason? Love is a verb. Love is a river flowing free between two people. You should never feel like you’re swimming alone upstream. It takes work, sure, but any work you put into the right kind of love should come back to you tenfold. You fill my cup, I fill yours. There is no keeping score. Love makes you feel like you can do anything with that person by your side. Love is a compromise that doesn’t feel like compromising. Love is a choice that you recommit to each day, something that you wake up and say yes to having with another person.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I actually have a very sweet and close relationship with both of my parents. My partner and I are getting married on 5/25/25, the same day as my parents got married 40 years ago.
My dad finished out his law career at the age of 72 with his pronouns in his email signature. Yesterday, my mom texted me a picture of a cardboard sign where she wrote in big block letters the words: “Remember Sam Nordquist” to put in the garden of her front yard for the whole neighborhood to see.
My parents have always listened to me, even if they haven’t always understood me. They refused to let anything get in the way of our relationship, and I can only hope that I will be half as good a dad to my kids as my parents were to me.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I love cruising, a glimmer of eye contact shot across the room that can set your body on fire. I love swimming in the deep end right away with a new queer crush, never coming up for air. 60-hour first dates, astrological dirty talk, nothing is off limits. I love how honest queer desire is, unburdened from the repressive rules of traditional dating and timelines.
There were downsides, too. Trauma-bonding wasn’t very cute but seemed likely to happen. I also remember feeling a lot of desperation and scarcity in dating as a young queer person, afraid that any new connection might be my last. I felt a pressure to make things work in case no one else would come along. As a trans person, I had to learn how to be careful about who I trusted with my body and let into my world. I hated online dating, but (as the universe would have it) that’s how I found my partner and fiancée.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh yes I have. My first heartbreak happened at 16 when the first girl I was in love with broke things off with me because she didn’t want her boyfriend finding out that we were secretly dating. He was a lifeguard, and it rained that whole summer. I dated a lot of straight girls when I was younger who made exceptions for me, which makes sense now that I am trans but was extremely painful growing up.
For a long time, I felt like I never measured up to cis boys. My self-esteem got a lot better once I started exclusively dating queer people. I found it easier to love without losing myself. I will say that every heartbreak has led me to exactly where I need to go. I do believe there is some kind of divine intervention at play, a big palm guiding my heart like a ship in the sea.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
Doubling the number of fashionable outfits in your closet. The sex is unparalleled. Gender roles are fluid. Growth is prioritized over comfort. You get to have everything you’ve ever wanted and more.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I am getting married in less than 90 days! Honestly, it’s been a whirlwind to have met my ride or die, partner in crime, absolute dream of a fiancée and soon to be wifey, AJ. We met a little over three years ago on Hinge, even though I was totally burnt out on online dating and AJ had been intentionally single for the last few years. I thought that my chances of meeting a life partner were slim.
Not only did I want to find a femme with big hair, a big heart, and big opinions, who loved masculinity, was attracted to trans guys, wasn’t an alcoholic, and wanted kids someday, but I also wanted to date someone who had actually worked on themselves. Not just someone who re-posted Instagram-therapy memes but had actually been through some shit, learned some lessons, done some real fucking growth. Finding a person who met even half of those standards sounded like an impossible task, yet I knew that I wouldn’t accept anything less. And then, it happened.
We met at a cocktail bar in our neighborhood and every day after was a landslide of green flags. I used to think love was a test, some grueling act of devotion, a struggle against all odds. But life felt strangely easy with her by my side. A quiet slice of something peaceful. I laugh all the time, even when I’m mad. That’s how I knew. I don’t need to work so hard at it anymore. I can just show up and be loved in the way I’ve always wanted to be. So yeah, I’m locking it down.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Keep going. Stay open. Know your worth. You have so much more of your life to live, so many more people to love. Every relationship that doesn’t work out will get you that much closer to the one that does. Don’t let life pass you by waiting to be in a relationship. Appreciate what the moment has to offer you. Love up on your friends. Love up on yourself. Back yourself. Understand what you bring to the table. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Be content with who you are outside of a relationship. Don’t look for a partner to complete you. Be patient, be consistent, and you will find your person.
Dusty Brandt Howard is the author of BOYS LOVE POETRY on Substack,
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and and Love by bell hooks
Movie: The Aggressives or honestly Titanic still slaps every time.
Song: “I Know a Place” by MUNA
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Fun Home, the musical theater adaptation of Alison Bechdel's 2006 graphic memoir.