The QLP Questionnaire: Edgar Gomez

"I was definitely brainwashed by every rom-com I watched into believing that I needed to find a rich dude to 'rescue me,'" the author explains about his pop culture influences.

Have you struggled to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.

Edgar Gomez (all pronouns) is a Florida-born writer with roots in Nicaragua and Puerto Rico. His debut memoir, High-Risk Homosexual, received a 2023 American Book Award, a Stonewall Israel-Fishman Nonfiction Book Honor Award, and the Lambda Literary Award for Gay Memoir. Gomez’s sophomore book, a darkly-comic memoir about growing up poor in early 2000’s Florida titled Alligator Tears, will be out in February 2025 from Crown. His work has been supported by the New York Foundation for the Arts, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the Black Mountain Institute. He lives in New York and Puerto Rico. Find him across social media @OtroEdgarGomez.

1. What is your age, and where in the world do you primarily live?

   I’m 32. And I live in Jackson Heights, New York, and San Juan, Puerto Rico. 

2. How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?

   Gay or queer, nonbinary.

3. What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)

   I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years.

4. When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?

   One of my earliest was in middle school. We had this class where they taught us stuff about computers, like how to use PowerPoint, and I remember during class I used to sit on one of my boy classmate’s laps and he’d hold me in this really intimate way, like I was his girlfriend. Sometimes we’d laugh like it was a joke, but most of the time we didn’t. Because we were both skaters, we sort of got away with it… like we got away with wearing tight jeans and having long hair and things like that.

5. Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?

   Yes and no. As a kid, I had a couple of obviously gay celebrities that I was obsessed with–people like Juan Gabriel and Walter Mercado, Ricky Martin for a while too (lol)—but they were all also deeply closeted. And so the lesson I got from them was that if I wanted to be successful, I’d either have to hide or lie. I mean, these were literally the times of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell… There were representations of us in movies like Mean Girls, but those things were hard to find… I did love Noah’s Arc and Queer as Folk when I got to high school though. And this Logo series, Jeffrey and Cole Casserole.

6. Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships (this can be songs, TV shows, books, movies, etc.)

   I was definitely brainwashed by every rom-com I watched into believing that I needed to find a rich dude to “rescue me.” Maid in Manhattan. Closer. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. But at the same time, I also really loved movies where women learned karate and beat their shitty ex-husbands up—Enough, Double Jeopardy—so I think it all balanced out.

7. How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?

   Both. I think love is when you want someone to be happy and comfortable, and that it’s extra nice if that happiness and comfort coincides with your own. 

8. Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?

   I did for a long time, even though I’ve always gone on a lot of dates and had tons of 1-2 month “boyfriends” and situationships. If I had to guess why, part of it had to do with a subconscious fear I must have had when I was younger about getting “too serious” with a guy. It’s not that I didn’t want anything serious, but that I was scared of having to introduce someone to my family, of being accountable to another person, having to split my time with them, and of being judged for being broke and not being able to keep up. I mean, when I was budgeting my groceries with $20 a week and working three jobs, the thought of having to explain to another person that I couldn’t afford a movie date, or that I couldn’t request a night off just… embarrassed me. So I never got very far with anyone.

   

9. What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?

   I used to believe that I was looking for someone who was my 100% match. Somewhere down the line, I started to think that if my partner didn’t have my same interests and tastes, if we didn’t come from the same backgrounds, that we’d be incompatible. I do still think having some common ground is important, but I’ve also realized how dull it is to date someone who is exactly like you. It’s more important to me now to be with someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone, who can teach me about things I don’t know about. It’s so much more fun and interesting that way.

10. Have you experienced heartbreak? 

    I have cried in many McDonald’s parking lots, yes.

11. Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?

    I used to HATE the idea of living with someone and sharing space. I like my privacy. I like hiding in my room for hours and coming out at midnight to eat a popsicle over the kitchen sink. I thought having a boyfriend would interrupt my precious little routines. Like the 20 minutes I need to spend every night putting on my creams. Or laying in bed watching old Miss Continental videos for days straight. I thought it would be exhausting, and I’d always have to put on airs.

    Something that makes me happy about my current relationship is not feeling that pressure at all. In fact, I feel more comfortable and free than before. And maybe it’s not terrible to be with someone who would like to have a meal at a normal time every now and then.

12. Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?

    I would like to get paid more…

13. What is your philosophy about relationships? 

    Honestly just go for it, worst case you can just get a divorce!

14. Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?

    Honestly just go for it, worst case you can just get a divorce!

15. Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?

    Yes, it can be really, really hard, but I promise it is not impossible. It happens every single day to all kinds of people, no matter what they look like or where they come from. So if that’s what you want, then keep trying and your time will come. But it’s not going to happen by sitting around wallowing.

    If you want to meet someone, you have to go where people are, whether that’s on Grindr or volunteering at a community garden or taking a cooking class or at the club. And if you don’t meet them that first day, that’s okay, try to enjoy the flirting and the growing and the learning how to make tiramisu and the making out with sweaty randos on the dance floor. That stuff means something, too. 

BONUS: 

We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

1. Book: I Am Not Myself These Days by Josh Kilmer-Purcell

2. TV Show: P-Valley

3. Movie: Y Tu Mamá También

4. Song: “FruityBoy” by Villano Antillano

Each week, The Queer Love Project publishes an original essay. Want to submit your essay and add to our growing archive? Find our submission guidelines and more here.