The QLP Questionnaire: Elizabeth Austin
"I love sharing almost all of myself with another person, but I am my first and longest relationship, and there are parts of me that I’m selfish about."
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I’m a writer, editor, consultant, and solo mom. I’ve been writing since I could scribble. Most recently, I’ve published with Time, Narratively, McSweeney’s, Harper’s Bazaar, and Ms. magazine. I’m a Sewanee and Hedgebrook fellow, and I’m an alumni of Courtney Maum’s Turning Points retreat.
I have a Substack where I share essays about my writing life, parenting two teens alone, and my family’s post-cancer years. I also run an interview series in which I ask writers and artists about the tools and process of their craft.
I’m co-editor of an anthology of collected narratives exploring the intersection of isolation and healthcare. I also offer classes through several external outlets and project-specific consultations through my website. I’m currently working through edits on my memoir about my struggle with alcoholism during my daughter’s cancer years.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 37, and I live in a small town outside of Philly in the US (Bucks County, for anyone who’s familiar.) I grew up mostly here, but also in Connecticut near the beach.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
When David Rose said he likes the wine and not the label, I felt it in my queer little soul. I’m pansexual, though I’m less likely to date or hook up with straight cis men. Sorry boys—as Paris Paloma says, you make me do too much labor. I often just say I’m queer.
What is your relationship status?
I’m single, though I’m a mom to two kids (their second parent has been absent for their entire lives). I always feel weird saying I’m single because, though I’m not currently in a relationship, I’m almost never alone.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
There are different ideals for the different phases of my life, I think. For right now, while I’m focused on supporting my kids as they approach adulthood, my ideal is single. At 13 and 15, my kids are in such an exciting, challenging, wild time in their lives, and I want to be fully present for all of it. I don’t have the energy to show up for my kids, maintain my writing, and pursue a relationship. It’s a relief to let one of those fall to the wayside (and it would never be my kids or my writing!)
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That single = lonely; and relationship = fulfillment. I know this has been said before, but it bears repeating. I’ve been single for the bulk of my thirties, and I can’t imagine living any other way. I have so many single friends who are in love with their lives, who don’t want the emotional responsibility of a relationship, and it’s not because they don’t know what they’re missing. They (we) know exactly what we’re missing, and we’re thrilled to choose otherwise.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first kiss was in the woods of my very artsy private high school. My best friend and I skipped class and snuck out to a spot on campus where everyone went to smoke, and the Assistant Dean came running down the trail. We smashed our cigarettes into the dirt and hid them with our heels, then started making out. We pretended that was what we were doing the whole time, and we got a talking to about skipping class but never got in trouble for smoking on campus (though I’m sure she knew what we were doing.)
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason? To me love is action. When I truly love someone, it’s something I’m doing—not just in the beginning when things feel light and fun and exciting, but through stress, inconvenience, illness, trauma, all the messes life throws at us.
For most of my life, I was indiscriminate with my love and caring, and I was often taken advantage of—so now my love is something closely guarded. I relish in the gut-jolt that comes with meeting someone special for the first time. That buzzy butterfly feeling you get when you can’t wait to know more of a person is such a thrill, but to me, that’s just a beginning. Ultimately, love is something I expect to work at and maintain over time.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I love sharing almost all of myself with another person, but I am my first and longest relationship, and there are parts of me that I’m selfish about. I wouldn’t begrudge my partner a low-key secret or two, and I expect the same in return.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I didn’t. My parents were deep into their divorce while I was figuring myself out as a preteen and teenager, and there wasn’t room for me to share whatever parts of my identity I was discovering. I just did whatever I wanted and expected people to deal with it, if they asked about it at all.
With my own kids, we don’t have “coming out culture” in our home. They know I’ve dated across the spectrum, but it’s not a discussion point. It’s as unremarkable as my hair color. For them, I don’t believe any part of their identity is something that needs to be announced or explained. My focus is on celebrating the parts of themselves they want to celebrate and supporting them as they grow into adulthood. All I’ve asked is that they give me a heads up before they bring anyone home for dinner, so I can make enough food.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I didn’t necessarily have role models, but there was content I consumed that made me feel less alone. I watched a lot of Queer as Folk (which I want to note isn’t the content I would choose for my children if they were struggling with their identities) and The L Word (better).
I was a theater tech kid and very weird and artsy, so there was RENT and Rocky Horror. There was the original Queer Eye cast and Ellen and Rachel Maddow and RuPaul. There was the seven-person GSA at my school; there were other queer kids. But LGBTQ+ role models—who I could look to for things like life or career paths—were few and far between. Queerness was just so othered. It was either the entire conversation, or it was completely avoided. I didn’t see a show or movie that didn’t make a character’s queerness a whole event until I was a young adult.
My high school French teacher was the closest I had to a real-world everyday role model. He had a partner. They had a dog. They chaperoned the annual school trip to Paris every Spring. Though I had a rough time in high school and wasn’t the student any teacher dreamed of having in their classroom, I remember him feeling very relatable: a queer person whose position on the gender and sexuality spectrum wasn’t the defining characteristic of their life.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
I did not grow up with healthy relationship role models, which is how I ended up alone with two kids at 22 (zero regrets about my kids, to be clear—my little family is thriving!)
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Yeah, I’m fortunate to have a wonderful circle of people who are the core of my support system. Aside from my kids, they’re the most important relationships in my life. Many of my closest friends trace back to high school: two of my best friends are sisters, and their parents were like surrogate parents to me through some very troubled years (and still today). Another of my closest friends helped care for my kids when they were little; she’s like a second parent to them. Now we travel together: I recently went to Ireland for a writing workshop and brought my kids along, and my friend took them around Dublin while I was attending lectures.
I also have my family, as in myself and my children and our pets. They’re a choice I make every day, in the sense that I’ve chosen to create the family I wished for when I was growing up. All the love and understanding and support I craved as a kid and teen I now try to cultivate with my kids.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I have a functional relationship with my biological family outside of my children, but we’re not very close. They’re the last to know about my accomplishments, my relationships, anything important in my life. There’s a lot of trust missing from those relationships, so they feel more like sand sculptures rather than foundational structures. I’ve never felt safe sharing parts of myself with them, and now at 37, I choose not to do the work to repair those relationships because I’m focused on other things that enrich my life.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I love that the bad dates are few and far between. Even if I’m not into pursuing a relationship with someone, we still always have a good time and often end up staying friends.
I dislike how unsafe it is, especially in areas outside of bigger cities. It’s unsafe everywhere, really, but I know from experience that there are places in the U.S. where I could go on a date and not get a second glance. That’s an impossibility where I live. There is nothing I dislike about dating as a queer person, but there is so much about the world I have to date in that I wish was different.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I live in a small town outside of Philadelphia, and it’s very homogenous. There aren’t many queer spaces outside of the city, and even the spaces in the city are centered around young single people. If I were interested in dating, I know I’d have a hard time, so it’s another reason to hold off until I’m able to move to a place where there is more of a community for me.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
How easy it is to fall into a bad one, and how powerful the sunk cost fallacy’s influence is. I’ve been in terrible relationships where the thought of “starting over” felt scarier than putting up with mistreatment.
I’m also often surprised at how wonderful it feels to have someone caring for and about you. When I’m in healthy relationships, I’m reminded that I don’t have to do everything alone—there’s teamwork; there’s reciprocation. There’s someone else to help hold the world together.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Yes, but most of my heartbreak has come out of expectations I’ve placed on people who clearly could never meet them. In that way, historically I’ve orchestrated my own heartbreak. I’m much more cautious and discerning now. If I sense I’m going to want something out of a relationship that the other person can’t provide—and it isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on—I’m quick to end the relationship.
I have a lot of tenderness around my teenaged and young adult self and her heartaches. Some of it was superficial, but others were emotional gouges that took years to scar. One of the closest people to me died during my first semester in graduate school, in 2015, and I went to pieces for a long time after. It was only in the last few years that I felt like that wound had become something I could live around.
I was devastated when my kids’ second parent left, but I think it was more to do with how afraid I was to raise two kids alone. At the time, I still linked my self-worth to other peoples’ interest in me. What did it say about me that the person I’d had children with didn’t want to be with me, or even stick around for them? This idea wasn’t exactly discounted by my extended family, so it took almost a decade to separate from it on my own. But now, as I watch friends deal with second parents who remain in their kids lives and wreak havoc, I understand what a gift it all was.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
Everything. There is everything good about being in a queer relationship. When I’ve been in queer relationships, whether long-term or short, I’ve felt more at home. There is a foundational understanding that I miss when I’m in anything other than a queer relationship.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
No. I’m so glad I’m not straight.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I’ve never been in one, and I don’t think I have it in me. I love celebrating people who function in multi-partner relationship dynamics, but personally I don’t feel it’s the model for me.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I have never been married. There was a time in my life when I felt that I should be, when my kids were babies and it seemed the only path forward was to marry their second parent. I grew up in a straight family, my brother has a wife, my other brother has had multiple girlfriends, and I had to grow into an identity that lay outside of that. It was confusing: I was making decisions based on who I thought I should be rather than who I am. I also grew up in a time before same-gender marriages were legal, so marriage wasn’t something I ever dreamed for myself.
When my kids were younger, I thought I might meet someone, date, get married, bring a stepparent into their lives, but then my daughter was diagnosed with cancer when she was eight. Dating was out of the question when she was sick, and though she went off treatment in late 2022, we’re still recovering. Both my kids have shared that they don’t want any more major changes in their lives for a while, and I’m with them. We’re all emotionally exhausted, and I have little to give to anyone outside our family unit and chosen family.
All that said, I have a “dream wedding dress” and a “dream wedding venue” and a “dream first dance song” so….make of that what you will. I’m 37, so I’ve got plenty of time, I hope, to see those dreams come true.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Healthy relationships are worth what they give, but they are work in the same way that children are work. It’s absolutely OK to have times in your life when you don’t have energy/attention/room for that work. I’m not someone who can be in and out of relationships all the time. I function more in seasons, and with stability: I’m either in for a while or I’m completely out.
Any good advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
“You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your identity.”
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Focus on yourself: your goals, your friends, any work that you love, any creative endeavors. Want love, but don’t wait for it. Don’t compromise and end up in relationships that take more than they give. Let love come to you and, in the meantime, pour everything you have into yourself. That’s the longest, most significant relationship you’ll ever have. It’s the greatest love you’ll ever find.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Below, please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: Imagine Wanting Only This by Kristen Radtke. I’ve read it so many times, the pages are flared out and there are coffee rings on the pages, but it never loses its edge or its beauty. The whole book is about processing the end—of your life, of the world, of everything you know—and it always puts things in perspective for me. I feel how small I am, how fleeting and precious my time is, and it becomes much easier to work through things that, just a moment ago, I was convinced I couldn’t.
TV Show: Love on the Spectrum. It’s more recent, but watching it has helped me process my own autism diagnosis. It’s both a heartache and a relief to be diagnosed with autism in your late thirties; it’s not like you grow up not noticing something’s up—and there’s so much care and respect and consideration in this show, it’s very comforting.
Movie: The Addams Family movies with Angelica Houston. What a spectacular celebration of standing tall in your peculiarities. What healthy family dynamics. 10/10, required viewing.
Song: “Somebody Loves You” by Betty Who. I’ve sung it so many times while crammed in a car full of close friends, and now it evokes so many wonderful memories for me. It’s an instant mood boost song, and a reminder that, yes, somebody really loves you.
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Cabaret. We put it on when I was in high school (it was a VERY relaxed, very artsy school…) and I probably watched the movie once or twice a month all through my troubled teen years. I took my daughter to see the new show last October and now she’s hooked on it. No regrets!
“My focus is on celebrating the parts of themselves they want to celebrate and supporting them as they grow into adulthood. All I’ve asked is that they give me a heads up before they bring anyone home for dinner, so I can make enough food.” Gorgeous.
Can you imagine what a beautiful place this world would be if all children were met in this way? 💕