The QLP Questionnaire: Emillio Mesa
"I prefer to concentrate on one person at a time. People are a lot of work, and so am I."
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Hi! I’m an award-winning events producer and dinner party host. I have written for The New York Times, New York magazine, HuffPost, and others. Currently, I am working on a memoir about meeting my mother at the age of six, her four marriages, and how it affected me as a growing queer, brown immigrant. At the same time, I am looking for new career opportunities in New York City. My handmade, fork-crimped empanadas and passion fruit martinis are always crowd-pleasers at gatherings.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 44.5 years old and was born in the Dominican Republic. Recently, I moved back to New York City after spending 10 years in San Francisco. I was brought to the U.S. when I was 6 years old and was raised in the Bronx. At the age of 11, I returned to the Dominican Republic until I was 16, when I came back to the U.S. to complete high school and attend college.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m Queer.
What is your relationship status?
I’m single.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Married.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The idea that being single means we’re all going to clubs and hooking up via the apps.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I had my first consensual kiss at 16, with someone who also played baseball. We were on the same team (pun not intended). And it was sweet and sweaty, after a game, in the locker room after the other players left.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason? Love is trust. If you don’t have that, a relationship is just a weak connection. It's what allows people to open up and share their true thoughts and feelings, creating a safe space for being vulnerable. It takes a lot of work to build it, but it can only happen if both people believe in each other. Without trust, love just feels uncertain, fragile, and you're left waiting for a painful breakup to happen.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I’m an open book and love sharing my thoughts and experiences. While I’m perfectly happy on my own, I would enjoy sharing my life—with all its ups and downs—with someone special. It would be great to build a connection filled with joy, laughter, and trust!
When did you come out to family, friends, and others for the first time?
My mother made me come out to her. It was after 9/11, and my grandmother, her mother, died. It was at an Italian restaurant in NYC. They served a great grilled octopus, which we both love, with lime. It was like a telenovela scene, and it’s part of a NYTimes essay that I wrote, “Fortunate Son.”
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
No. The first time I ever saw two men kiss was in Madonna’s Truth or Dare movie, when I was 15.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
The movie Jeffrey is significant to me because I’ve always had a huge crush on Sir Patrick Stewart and Michael T. Weiss, who starred in the show The Pretender. It taught me that I needed to find a different scene for myself, as the Chelsea gym, muscle, and club culture weren't for me. Instead, I explored SoHo and the Lower East Side.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Bryan, my best friend and brother, taught me to come out to myself and took me to Gay Pride for the first time—we’ve been in each other’s lives for 25 years. Melissa and her husband, Ryan, who have always provided me with understanding, support, laughter, and a bonus family. Carly Sommerstein, who’s unwavering understanding and personal insights, have been a crucial part of my life. I also want to mention, Susan Shapiro for her invaluable writing advice with tough love; she made me realize I have stories to tell and that they’re valid. All of these incredible people hold me accountable, love me for who I am, and challenge me in the best way, because they believe in me, and have always been available to me when I needed them most. What more can a person ask for?!
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
When I was 27 years old, I had a Kabbalistic-Astrological reading. The rabbi told me, “Saturn represents the father, and he is turned away from you. This means that you could have lit yourself on fire, and he still wouldn’t have noticed. On the other hand, your mother represents the most difficult and complex relationship you will ever have.” He was right.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
Dating has never been my favorite experience. It's always felt like a two-sided job interview. The only two “relationships” I've been in developed naturally; we met in social settings, spent time together, and let things unfold from there. I have a strong aversion to the façades that some guys put on, as if I won't eventually see through them. Lies are not just pointless. They drain time and energy that could be better spent on genuine connections. So why waste it?
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
No. I’m equal opportunity. Personally, I find myself particularly drawn to Jewish men and Eastern Europeans. I truly value the unique perspectives that come from diverse experiences, especially when there's mutual respect. It's enriching and exciting to explore connections that challenge my own background and broaden my understanding of the world.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
Dating has never been the issue. It's always been about trust and communication. I'm very clear about my intentions and believe in maintaining an open dialogue. However, it has been difficult to find someone who feels the same way. Often, people lie to get close to you, making you believe they want the same things you do. Then, once they think they have you, the mask comes off.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
A true relationship is not something that is given freely. It must be earned through mutual respect and effort. It's crucial to understand that it's based on equity rather than equality. This means that each person contributes in a way that acknowledges their unique strengths and circumstances, ensuring that the relationship is balanced and fair. It’s about recognizing and valuing each other's individual contributions, creating a partnership where both parties feel loved, respected, and fulfilled.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Once. With “The German.”
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
It has evolved into genuine intimacy, founded on trust, only with the right person. One should never take risks with their physical and mental health.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
When I was with the German, we maintained a home together. We cooked, cleaned, and hosted dinner parties. However, the most important moment came when I prepared a Dominican meal for his parents, who visited from their small town east of Berlin. What made that experience even more special was that almost a year later, they did the same for me in their country and hosted me in their home.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
No. Everybody’s looking for something.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
No, be free and be yourself. However, I prefer to concentrate on one person at a time. People are a lot of work, and so am I.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I am at a point in my life, now in my forties, where I truly desire to get married. I believe marriage is a significant commitment in a relationship, symbolizing that two people have wholeheartedly chosen each other and are ready to unite their lives. It’s about creating a family with someone who not only chooses you but is also willing to make that bond official with family, friends, society, and the government.
My journey has been challenging. In my first relationship, I experienced love with too much passion and no mutual goals, but I was much younger then. In my last, I wasted too much time in a volatile situation where I was not valued. Despite giving my all, I faced vilification and betrayal from the person who was supposed to stand by my side. There were always four people in that relationship: me, him, alcohol, and his business partner. However, I am ready to embrace a new chapter—one where I invest in the right partnership and build a meaningful future together.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
I don’t subscribe to predefined roles. We should uplift one another. I’ve never believed in a 50-50 partnership. We each contribute 100%, bringing different strengths to the table to achieve greater heights! It's fundamentally about equity, not equality. For example, let’s say your partner makes $200,000 a year, while you make $90,000 a year, but you split everything 50-50. In this case, your partner will always have the upper hand because you’ll never be able to catch up. Will you ever be equal? No. However, you can be fair by dividing expenses based on each person’s income.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Make it a priority to always express your love in every way possible while you still have the opportunity—whether through kind words, thoughtful gestures, surprise gifts, or cherished moments together. Funerals are for the living.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
Always be kind. That’s what we remember.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
The only advice I can offer is to first understand and connect with yourself in every way. This is the most important relationship you'll ever have. If you can find someone you still want to be with after a heated argument, make sure to hold on and nurture that relationship- it's rare.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice. I knew it was gay-coded at 15 years old, and it turned me on to reading.
TV Show: Six Feet Under. Incredible dark humor, complex characters, and its unflinching portrayal of the human experience, and the finale is one of the best in TV history.
Movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The land of imagination and the factory of seven sweet sins.
Song: “This Used to Be My Playground” by Madonna. It’s like an adult lullaby: Listen to the lyrics.
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Angels in America. It taught me to have protected sex.
Beautiful
I love this so much. Beautiful.