My husband and I first met when I was living in Japan, and we spent our first five years as a couple there. That said, we did NOT live together in Tokyo. His parents would have raised objections—his father already considered me the foreign devil who had corrupted his firstborn—but I gave him a key and allowed him to spend as much time at my place as he wanted. We both had demanding jobs, but I think he spent eighty to ninety percent of his nights and weekends with me.
When I left Japan in 1998, it was because a) I had been headhunted to an incredible job in the Seattle suburbs and b) my husband promised to follow me. It took him many months to navigate his way into a student visa, but we finally began our real cohabitation in November of 1998. Culture shock was not our friend during the first several months, but our luck held: we had only had one serious argument during our five years in Tokyo, and in the twenty-five years we've been together in the Pacific Northwest, I think we've only had another three serious arguments.
The best thing about cohabitation? For me, it's hugs on demand. My husband is Japanese, but he took to physical expressions of affection very early on, and a good six-second (or longer) hug helps both of us recharge and refocus.
The worst thing? Trying to retrain myself to get over his quirks. His leaving the potholder on the kitchen counter (when I always put it back) or the way we play chicken over using the last of the toilet paper (and thereby needing to replace the roll) are not *his* problems. My reactions, my huffy indignations, are all on me.
Recommendations: Think about legal and financial issues upfront. Get a bank account in both of your names. File taxes jointly. Create a paper trail for your relationship.
If you can afford it, get outside help for things that can stress your relationship. Is money an issue? A financial advisor can help. Are there cross-cultural issues? A therapist for one or both of you can afford you space to vent. Moving? Get movers.
Let each of you have friendships outside of the relationship. Demonstrate your trust.
also I used to tell people, two of the most "traumatic" moments that are tests for a young relationship are moving and traveling together. If you can get past those two hurdles (the stress of moving! the bickering of traveling!), then you're probably set and can get through most of the other mishegas.
Someone once gave me valuable advice about moving in together, especially when it involves moving into a partner’s existing home: make sure to create a space that truly feels like it belongs to both of you. This means redecorating together and investing in some new furniture, like a bed, if possible. Nothing disrupts a relationship faster than one person feeling like they’re just “renting space” in someone else’s home. It won’t feel like a shared space if you’re only given a closet for your clothes and half the bathroom vanity, while the rest of your belongings are relegated to the garage, waiting for a potential breakup or simply gathering dust. It’s essential that both partners feel equal ownership of the space to avoid feeling like a guest in someone else’s life. Go through all of your things together and incorporate. Commit to the new life you’re building together.
Since the pandemic, my wife and I and everybody have had to re-imagine how we inhabit our space. We both work from home (and I'm a Zooming therapist, the worst person to be stuck all day in an apartment with!) and being stuck together all day in a 1.5 bedroom was not what we'd anticipated. Having separate time to enjoy the apartment alone and going to our separate spots in the apartment to work, has been essential. It's hard to differentiate from each other while living in an NYC apartment, but talking about how to be separate while together is important!
It may seem *outside* of the domestic/logistic side of cohabitating but I think people may be surprised at the conversations it opens up about what we need, where we need more support, and/or where things might be feeling “prickly.”
My husband and I first met when I was living in Japan, and we spent our first five years as a couple there. That said, we did NOT live together in Tokyo. His parents would have raised objections—his father already considered me the foreign devil who had corrupted his firstborn—but I gave him a key and allowed him to spend as much time at my place as he wanted. We both had demanding jobs, but I think he spent eighty to ninety percent of his nights and weekends with me.
When I left Japan in 1998, it was because a) I had been headhunted to an incredible job in the Seattle suburbs and b) my husband promised to follow me. It took him many months to navigate his way into a student visa, but we finally began our real cohabitation in November of 1998. Culture shock was not our friend during the first several months, but our luck held: we had only had one serious argument during our five years in Tokyo, and in the twenty-five years we've been together in the Pacific Northwest, I think we've only had another three serious arguments.
The best thing about cohabitation? For me, it's hugs on demand. My husband is Japanese, but he took to physical expressions of affection very early on, and a good six-second (or longer) hug helps both of us recharge and refocus.
The worst thing? Trying to retrain myself to get over his quirks. His leaving the potholder on the kitchen counter (when I always put it back) or the way we play chicken over using the last of the toilet paper (and thereby needing to replace the roll) are not *his* problems. My reactions, my huffy indignations, are all on me.
Recommendations: Think about legal and financial issues upfront. Get a bank account in both of your names. File taxes jointly. Create a paper trail for your relationship.
If you can afford it, get outside help for things that can stress your relationship. Is money an issue? A financial advisor can help. Are there cross-cultural issues? A therapist for one or both of you can afford you space to vent. Moving? Get movers.
Let each of you have friendships outside of the relationship. Demonstrate your trust.
This is lovey and amazing and I'm so happy you shared this story and details. Thanks, Brian!
also I used to tell people, two of the most "traumatic" moments that are tests for a young relationship are moving and traveling together. If you can get past those two hurdles (the stress of moving! the bickering of traveling!), then you're probably set and can get through most of the other mishegas.
Someone once gave me valuable advice about moving in together, especially when it involves moving into a partner’s existing home: make sure to create a space that truly feels like it belongs to both of you. This means redecorating together and investing in some new furniture, like a bed, if possible. Nothing disrupts a relationship faster than one person feeling like they’re just “renting space” in someone else’s home. It won’t feel like a shared space if you’re only given a closet for your clothes and half the bathroom vanity, while the rest of your belongings are relegated to the garage, waiting for a potential breakup or simply gathering dust. It’s essential that both partners feel equal ownership of the space to avoid feeling like a guest in someone else’s life. Go through all of your things together and incorporate. Commit to the new life you’re building together.
love these suggestions!
Since the pandemic, my wife and I and everybody have had to re-imagine how we inhabit our space. We both work from home (and I'm a Zooming therapist, the worst person to be stuck all day in an apartment with!) and being stuck together all day in a 1.5 bedroom was not what we'd anticipated. Having separate time to enjoy the apartment alone and going to our separate spots in the apartment to work, has been essential. It's hard to differentiate from each other while living in an NYC apartment, but talking about how to be separate while together is important!
separate time is essential and yet people seem to think it's selfish and don't allow for it. Great thing to reinforce!
We ask each other every day-
How’s your head?
How’s your heart?
How’s your body?
It may seem *outside* of the domestic/logistic side of cohabitating but I think people may be surprised at the conversations it opens up about what we need, where we need more support, and/or where things might be feeling “prickly.”
great stuff! thanks for sharing!