The QLP Questionnaire: Kate Walter
"When I first came out, there were no gay rights, no gay or lesbian marriage. I liked the freedom to make it up as we went along. It felt rebellious."
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I’m a writer of creative nonfiction and the author of two memoirs and many essays and columns. I’m also a teacher. I taught Personal Essay Writing at NYU and Critical Thinking at BMCC. My books, Looking for a Kiss: A Chronicle of Downtown Heartbreak and Healing, and Behind the Mask: Living Alone in the Epicenter, are both available online.
I’m retired from full-time teaching but currently teach a memoir writing class at a senior center. I live in Westbeth Artists Housing in the far West Village, a very creative place. I attend a weekly singing class and a meditation class, both are free and held in Westbeth.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 76 and grew up in Paterson, New Jersey. Moved to Manhattan after I came out at 25. So I’ve been living in the City for five decades. I love living in Manhattan but also spend a lot of time at the Jersey Shore where I inherited a small bungalow.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m a gay woman, a lesbian.
What is your relationship status?
I’m currently single after my 26-year relationship ended. I’m not currently dating, but I’d like to have one more good relationship before I die.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Being in a committed relationship but having separate apartments would work for me at this point in my life.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
There is a misconception that you will not be lonely if you are in a relationship.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I have kinda blocked out my fumbling attempts of having sex with men (I thought that was what I was supposed to do). I remember my college classmates talking about their boyfriends and thinking what is wrong with me? I don’t feel that way. I got depressed. It never occurred to me I was gay. But the first time I made love with a beautiful woman (post college), it was fantastic, and I knew I was gay.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
It’s both. It starts with strong feelings but then you have to work on the relationship.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I think it is important to maintain a strong sense of self when in a relationship. In the past, I let myself be too controlled by my former partner. I bent over backward to make her happy, and I lost parts of myself.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
In my twenties. First I came out to my friends and my brother and then to the rest of my family. My parents were very religious Catholics. I went to Catholic schools all the way through college, so coming out to them was not easy. My father was really upset. That scene is in my first memoir. My mother became more open and accepting after he died.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
There were no queer role models when I was growing up in the 1950s and ‘60s. If there were, I probably would have come out sooner.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
I remember seeing the first West Side Story movie as a kid and that really got to me. I was sobbing.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I have close friends as well as a great support network in my building.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
My parents are deceased. I now spend major holidays with my sister and her family in New Jersey. I spend time at the beach during summer with my two siblings and some of their kids and grandkids.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
When I first came out, there were no gay rights, no gay or lesbian marriage. I liked the freedom to make it up as we went along. It felt rebellious. While it’s important to have rights, parts of our queer identity got submerged when gays and lesbians wanted to blend in and be more like straight people.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I think it is harder to date when you are older because you are more set in your ways.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
Nothing lasts forever.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Yes! Read my memoir: Looking for a Kiss: A Chronicle of Downtown Heartbreak and Healing. My book details how, at the age of 57, my partner of over a quarter of a century dumped me. I was left broke and brokenhearted. Beyond the emotional pain, I had to deal with having no legal and financial rights. This was before gay marriage. We were domestic partners but that meant nothing once we broke up. I did an interview with Next Avenue that explains this.
Then, there was the general insanity of navigating the New York City lesbian dating scene. The book is about how I rebuilt my life.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy but I like having companionship and sex.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
It is not impossible. I’ve been in love at least four times in my life
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Books: Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown, Sappho Was a Right on Woman by Sidney Abbott, Lesbian Woman by Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon. These books were helpful to me when I was coming out. I have not read them in years, and they may seem dated now.
Songs: “The Power of Good-Bye” by Madonna, “Bring Back the Love” by Bebel Gilberto, “Chelsea Morning” by Joni Mitchell
Albums: Mother’s Spiritual by Laura Nyro; Ladies of the Canyon and Court and Spark by Joni Mitchell; Hounds of Love by Kate Bush.
Great interview and subject❣️