Whether you practice ethical non-monogamy, have embraced a polyamorous lifestyle, or strive for some sort of monogamish balance, figuring out the rules—and reasons—for making it work is a process.
Folks have prolly heard enough from me but my wife and I make it work with some basic ground rules and courtesies.
Obviously I use protection. She would prefer I have a steady other just to reduce risk but that’s easier said than done. She is undecided on how much she wants me to share so I err on the side of not sharing much; she knew when I was with my ex-bf what I was up to but otherwise I’ll just say I’m meeting up with a friend.
It worked out really well this past week as my wife usually takes our oldest to her theater rehearsals as she is the theater nerd between us. However, that would mean she had to miss a good portion of the prez debate. I offered to drop her off so I could meet up with a guy right after. She was elated. And I had no idea Teresa in the debate so it kept me from having to hear TFG’s voice.
There was a time when both my husband and I were possessed of more magnificent libidos: we reached an agreement on opening our relationship.
We adopted a model that I pretended was Japanese—I met my husband in Japan and had witnessed non-monogamy in great detail before falling in love. The model was thus: as long as neither he nor I found out about the dalliances the other had, they were okay.
But that wasn't wholly Japanese in practice. It was more of a salve for my jealousy.
I, too, had grown up thinking that love and marriage were meant to provide one another with everything. And when I went a-humping, I was secure in knowing that my fast-food romances merely scratched a physical itch.
But when my husband did the same (I always knew—he turned his phone off), I spiraled into envy. Was his one-time inamorato more handsome? Better equipped? What was *I* lacking, and would that lack drive my husband away from me eventually?
Talking about it seemed impossible. I *knew* I was irrational. I also knew that there was an aspect of catch-up at play. When my husband and I first met, I had had a decade of erogenous exploration in my Bank of Experience. He barely had two years. Sauce for the gander, I hear you say.
A mental realignment began when we married eleven years ago when we were twenty years into our relationship. And, perhaps more importantly, when my symptoms of morbid anxiety, at last, subsided nine years ago (when my husband, at last, had a US green card, I, at last, had a full-time job after nine years of freelance hell, and we, at last, owned a home once more), the jealousy began to ebb.
Every day, he makes a choice, as I make mine. Every night, he is beside me, and I am beside him. He loves me, and I finally, finally get it.
This is so lovely to read, Brian. I understand the security aspect for sure. Funny enough, it was having a loving and trusting partner that allowed me to finally be free exploring all the things. The "safety net" is real but I also know that jealousy can be an inescapable monster and rears its head often
Folks have prolly heard enough from me but my wife and I make it work with some basic ground rules and courtesies.
Obviously I use protection. She would prefer I have a steady other just to reduce risk but that’s easier said than done. She is undecided on how much she wants me to share so I err on the side of not sharing much; she knew when I was with my ex-bf what I was up to but otherwise I’ll just say I’m meeting up with a friend.
It worked out really well this past week as my wife usually takes our oldest to her theater rehearsals as she is the theater nerd between us. However, that would mean she had to miss a good portion of the prez debate. I offered to drop her off so I could meet up with a guy right after. She was elated. And I had no idea Teresa in the debate so it kept me from having to hear TFG’s voice.
There was a time when both my husband and I were possessed of more magnificent libidos: we reached an agreement on opening our relationship.
We adopted a model that I pretended was Japanese—I met my husband in Japan and had witnessed non-monogamy in great detail before falling in love. The model was thus: as long as neither he nor I found out about the dalliances the other had, they were okay.
But that wasn't wholly Japanese in practice. It was more of a salve for my jealousy.
I, too, had grown up thinking that love and marriage were meant to provide one another with everything. And when I went a-humping, I was secure in knowing that my fast-food romances merely scratched a physical itch.
But when my husband did the same (I always knew—he turned his phone off), I spiraled into envy. Was his one-time inamorato more handsome? Better equipped? What was *I* lacking, and would that lack drive my husband away from me eventually?
Talking about it seemed impossible. I *knew* I was irrational. I also knew that there was an aspect of catch-up at play. When my husband and I first met, I had had a decade of erogenous exploration in my Bank of Experience. He barely had two years. Sauce for the gander, I hear you say.
A mental realignment began when we married eleven years ago when we were twenty years into our relationship. And, perhaps more importantly, when my symptoms of morbid anxiety, at last, subsided nine years ago (when my husband, at last, had a US green card, I, at last, had a full-time job after nine years of freelance hell, and we, at last, owned a home once more), the jealousy began to ebb.
Every day, he makes a choice, as I make mine. Every night, he is beside me, and I am beside him. He loves me, and I finally, finally get it.
This is so lovely to read, Brian. I understand the security aspect for sure. Funny enough, it was having a loving and trusting partner that allowed me to finally be free exploring all the things. The "safety net" is real but I also know that jealousy can be an inescapable monster and rears its head often
tell us the good, the bad, and the ugly of your open relationships!