The QLP Questionnaire: Madeline Anthony
"I genuinely do not think I have one more ounce of heartache left inside me. Sapphic breakups should be illegal..."
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I’m a fiction writer with a day job in the publishing industry. My debut novel is currently out on submission so if you’re reading this send your good vibes my way! I started my career in journalism and have written for The United Nations Press Corps, News Corps, The Brooklyn Paper, and Curve. I also work with Planned Parenthood supporting their sexual assault hotline and paint a lot.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up
I’m a 31-year-old Scorpio living in Brooklyn! I’ve lived in the city for the past 11 years since college. I grew up in a small rural town in (very) Upstate New York—just outside of the Canadian border.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m a LESBIAN baby!! It took me so long to come to terms with that, so it feels good every time I get a chance to publicly proclaim it.
What is your relationship status?
I’m newly in a relationship. I think the scientific term is “down bad.”
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I love being in love. I’m something of a serial monogamist. As soon as I make the decision that I am GOING TO STAY SINGLE THIS TIME, I end up falling in love again. Which of course is beautiful. I’ve learned a lot about relationships and love along the way.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That being single is a horror and being in a relationship is the ultimate path to joy. I’m a writer who needs a lot of alone time to process the world and generally just to exist as a human being who feels whole, so sometimes being single is freeing because there’s no one to answer to and you can just focus entirely on yourself. There’s nothing more empowering than feeling completely at ease and at peace within yourself, your emotions not reliant on anyone or anything. It’s incredible and I think as a society we should honor people who choose to do life on their own more.
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I don’t remember my first kiss! And just realized this! Wow. Am I OK?
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
You can never force yourself to fall in love in the first place, but you can make the active choices, I think, to make sure you stay in love. I used to think true love was only about passion, but over time I’ve realized that choosing to be committed and devoted to someone is the other (vital) half of it.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out as a lesbian at 27 after identifying as a bisexual since adolescence. I had been dating only men after having one serious gay relationship in college. I was engaged to a man and broke off the engagement to come out as a lesbian. It was a huge turning point in my life—good thing I’m a writer and so I meticulously documented the whole thing (it's true what Nora Ephron said about everything being copy). I’m working on an essay collection now about the experience of breaking off the engagement and then manically dating half the women in Brooklyn.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager?
The only lesbians I knew about as a kid were Melissa Etheridge (who I eventually got to interview for work when she released her memoir!!) and Bianca from All My Children (if you know you know). The understanding I had at the time was that lesbians were on the fringes of society—something different and wildly intriguing to me but not something I could ever be.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I do! My close friends are literal family to me, we walk through this life side by side. They mean the world to me and I don’t know how I would have gotten through anything harrowing (particularly coming out, when certain biological family was not the most supportive) without them.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I’m particularly close with my mom, which made it especially hard when I came out because she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to marry my then-fiancé, or comprehend the fact that I would want to one day marry a woman instead. It took her a little while, but now she is fully supportive and accepting.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ+ person? What do/did you dislike?
I like how women and nonbinary people are *generally* very respectful about consent, etc. I also really love how, if there isn’t a passionate vibe but you get along well, you often end up just being friends instead.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
You can choose, in a sense, by being committed to making something work, to be in love. I’m starting to find the act of devotion itself to be very sexy. Is this what 30 feels like?
Have you experienced heartbreak?
I’ve experienced way too much heartbreak. In fact, I genuinely do not think I have one more ounce of heartache left inside me. Sapphic breakups should be illegal. After my first one, I literally threw my phone in the East River and got on a one-way flight to Turkey. It did end up launching my journalism career, but still.
Also—it’s a fiction that being the one to end a relationship absolves you from pain. That’s not true. Now you have pain and guilt. Yipee.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Absolutely not. I don’t mean to be a hater, but I will just say—having been in both kinds of relationships—there is really no comparison. If you want to come out but you’re holding back because you think you can muscle through a hetero relationship, I’m here to tell you that the gilded cage is a lie. When I was in hetero relationships, I felt like that unicorn from that famous French tapestry “Unicorn in Captivity.” Be free, fellow unicorns!
That said, I have unfortunately, as most gay people have, experienced homophobia and occasionally have felt threatened by men who clearly hate to see two women together (Women who don’t need them? How preposterous!). Physical safety and not ever having to worry about losing your basic human rights are of course very real things that are afforded only to hetero couples. I also find it deeply homophobic that two women can’t have a biological baby together, yet (though I think they are working on it somewhere in Japan, fingers crossed).
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
Personally: There ain't no way, but I have respect for people who can swing it.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be?
I’m excited to get married one day and, when I do, it will be to the right person.
What is your philosophy about relationships? And any advice?
Follow your instincts. Even if they don’t seem to “make sense.” They do. You’ll see.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: Written on the Body (or really anything else by Jeanette Winterson)
TV Show: The L Word. I don’t care that it’s cliché, The L Word is high art ,and I can filibuster on this topic for longer than Corey Booker.
Movie: Fried Green Tomatoes. Period.
Song: “I Wanna be in Love” by Melissa Etheridge.