The QLP Questionnaire: Mario Elías
"The biggest misconception is that other people’s opinions of what you do with your time, your emotional energy, and your sexual desires should influence you in a way that goes against how YOU feel."
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I am a multidisciplinary artist of Cuban and Syrian descent based in Chicago. Spanning fiction, nonfiction, and visual art, my work explores identity, memory, and cultural inheritance through a Queer lens. I’m the founder of The KindaSuper Project, a philanthropic initiative providing free photography and video services to underserved communities.
Beloved Disciples, out May 12th via Amble Press, is my debut novel!
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 37 years old, which as we all know, is Gay 23. I grew up outside of Chicago and live in the city proper again after nearly a decade in San Francisco. For manifestation’s sake, I’m required by the universe to say that I dream of one day owning a farm in Scotland to start a senior animal sanctuary.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I experienced the very standard “bi in high school” to “noticeably homosexual to strangers” pipeline many Midwestern Queer youth navigate. The beauty of the LGBTQ+ spectrum lies in the capabilities for us to settle into whatever transitional/ombre area feels right for us at the moment. I personally love to identify as Queer, because it encompasses my sexuality along with my gender expression in the truest way.
What is your relationship status?
I am married! Mike and I have been together for 14 years, married for almost 9 years. For the first five years of our relationship, we were not legally allowed to be married, so I always make sure to point that out when people ask. Our right to marriage equality is still very new and more vulnerable than ever.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Exactly where I am at. I love Mike more than anything in the world. He is my favorite person, best friend, and has always supported me and my art and every other crazy idea I’ve ever concocted (there are many). And I support him just the same. As Queer people, we don’t always have an abundance of examples to follow, and I feel like the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure we’ve been on has been hard and beautiful and always exciting.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The biggest misconception about relationship status is that other people’s opinions of what you do with your time, your emotional energy, and your sexual desires should influence you in a way that goes against how you feel in that situation. Whether you are in an unconventional relationship or you choose to not be in a relationship at all.
People will inevitably try to force their timelines and expectations on you and what your life should look like, but this is your journey. It’s your money, your time, your genitals. And it’s a big BYE to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first intimate moment was right after I turned 16, and I got my cousin’s old ‘98 Chevy Blazer. My best friend Maria and I fooled around in the backseat. We’d known each other since kindergarten, so it wasn’t weird at all. A few months later, I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend in that same backseat.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Love is a nuanced little creature. It can often hold us back or make us scared, propel us to do insane things, short circuit. But it also has the unique ability to shapeshift and change not only itself but us along with it. There are so many versions, iterations, and mutations of love.
Many of us are trained from a young age to constantly be searching for your “one true love,” and I feel like that really blinds us to all of the love happening around us every second of our lives. There is young love, love at first sight, unrequited love, friendships that grow into something else, romantic and platonic loves–the list goes on and on.
Ultimately, love is a limitless resource. There is truly no end to how many people and places and things (nouns!) you can give your love to. I think love should be defined by the boundless and limitless nature of our abilities to create and share it in so many different and beautiful ways if only we allowed ourselves to.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I overflow with love. When I feel it, I will always tell you, and you will have already known before the words left my mouth. There is no point in holding back how you feel. Life is so short! To love and be loved is the best feeling in the world. The negatives come when we put conditions on it or allow expectations and assumptions to poison it. I feel most whole when I am true to and honest about my feelings, especially in a relationship.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I’ve always known I was gay, but I came out to my friends when I was 16. I’d known most of them since we were in the single digit age range, and I had no doubts they would accept me.
Then I slowly came out to my family as opportunities presented themselves, culminating in me telling my dad at 20, after I had already been in a relationship for two years with my first love, Esteban. He also accepted me unconditionally, and all of my fears of being a Cuban disappointment disappeared. I am very privileged to have been surrounded and supported by all of them, and I am forever grateful to them.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
There weren’t many to be honest! And certainly none in my real world community. Will & Grace premiered when I was in third grade, and I vividly remember watching that with my family and constantly looking at them to see how they responded to the jokes and situations. I remember feeling sad watching it because Will and Jack never seemed to find anyone to love them (until Vince came along in later seasons, of course!). I turned to books in middle school and high school to find characters that I could identify with even if they were veiled in varying degrees of opacity.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Oh, honey, I was the kind of kid to stare out the window while it rains and sing my heart out. I’ve always loved female artists/vocalists, and the fact that their songs had male objects to the desires was likely a driving force, but my dad always had Salsa music, Disco and Motown playing. These are the trifecta for love, loss and DRAMA if you know anything about it.
In the age of LimeWire and KaZaA, I eventually pirated gay movies (sorry) that opened up a whole new world of passion and possibilities (like body dysmorphia!). The Broken Hearts Club, Beautiful Thing, Eating Out, But I’m a Cheerleader, Trick—I could honestly keep going. These films might not all stand up to the test of time, but they gave me my first dose of not feeling so alone.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Oh yes, and it has been essential to my survival in so many ways. I have a very large Given Family–on my dad’s side alone I have 16 aunts and uncles, and they all have children who now have children–and I love them beyond words.
But to me, your Chosen Family is one that you build as you are finally figuring out who you truly are, and they are there for the formative years much like straight, cis-people experience in their middle school and teen years. We have to delay so much to keep up with the lies to stay hidden/protected, and your Chosen Family are the first ones to see all of you as you truly are. Highly recommend. 10/10.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I’ve touched on this before, but I love my family very very much. I come from a very diverse background, and I attribute their acceptance of me as a direct result of this very wide world view.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
To be fair, I have never dated in the age of The Apps, so I think my old school view of dating as a Queer person might not feel relatable to many current daters. Though Facebook did exist, I didn’t have a smartphone yet, so I only accessed it via desktop LOL.
When I first started dating, it was still when you’d be scared for your well being, so you didn’t hold hands, you kept room for the Holy Spirit between you, you often went out in mixed groups, anything to not bring attention or put a target on your back. The ability to be more open and act freely now seems so beautiful, and I hope the toxicity of the apps doesn’t take away from that.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
Never. Though I must say that the other party’s response to this was always very important to me. My family is a wonderful mix of Latino, Syrian and Black people. My maternal grandmother was white, but her family mostly disowned her when she married my grandfather, so I do not have any room or willingness to allow bigotry or fetishism into my or my family’s lives.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I’m a serial monogamist. I want to feel secure, both physically and emotionally. Not everyone has that priority when dating, so I have had some wonderfully fulfilling relationships and some very damaging ones too. It’s all part of the journey, figuring out what you need and how that matches up with what the other person needs.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
We’re all just human. We come to a partnership with all of our experiences and expectations; the other person meets you with their versions of those things too. I always assumed I would meet someone, and there would be sparks and then happily ever after starts!
But the biggest joys I have experienced in my relationship have always come from meeting or exceeding my partners expectations, or finding a solution that honors both of our experiences. I can look back and see that all of the things I thought were non-negotiable for me were honestly irrelevant and obsolete within the first three years of being together. And by valuing what we came into the relationship with as survival/earned experience rather than baggage, you learn and grow with and from each other.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh yeah. In the moment, the heartbreaks seemed like the end of the life I was building toward. Each heartbreak was catastrophic. It wasn’t just the person; it was the whole future I’d arranged around them. But looking back, they taught me so much about myself and what I deserve and what I will and will not allow in my life.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
Our wedding contained thousands of moments I will carry with me until I die. To see both families, given and chosen, together dancing to Merengue, Salsa and Bachata. All of their smiles and tears as Mike and I turned around hand in hand after saying our vows. Our straight friends and family saying that it was the best wedding they’d ever been to (even years later we still hear this). The interactions between the two worlds were surreal and still get me choked up.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Ease of life! Quite often, I see heterosexual couples that just do not make sense, yet they are accepted without question. As Queer people we are constantly forced to make our own rules and navigate life outside of the typical/ordinary prescribed set of goalposts we were constantly exposed to. We have to put in an exponential amount of work to show people we are a family when, and I’m just being honest, I have never seen another straight couple that gets along or has as much fun with each other as most of the Queer couples I know. The love is palpable with The Gays.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I always dreamed of getting married and having kids, but I knew that was not allowed. I think that was one of the hardest parts to come to terms with as a young Queer person. Growing up with “don’t ask, don’t tell” and the Matthew Shepard murder on the news, I understood that I wouldn’t get to have the happy moments that the ordinary kids would eventually have.
Even a couple of years into my relationship with Mike, I never thought we would have the right to be married in this country. It’s scary to think what damage the current administration is doing to the LGBTQ+ youth that were born into a world thinking they would be accepted and then having those protections taken away.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Knowing that we are choosing the life that suits us has saved Mike and I from ever feeling like there is a predetermined role we have to fill in this relationship. We are aligned in the trust that we will both always make the effort and decisions that feel right for us.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
This life is yours. YOU get to choose everything you do. You will learn a lot of lessons, and the outcome will most likely not be exactly what you imagined, but at the end of the day, this life is an adventure that you are in control of. Don’t be afraid to follow your heart. Don’t be afraid to LOVE. Remember, it’s an infinite resource. Share it when you feel it.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Books: Singing From the Well by Reinaldo Arenas; A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham; Guapa by Saleem Haddad
TV Shows: In Living Color, Strangers With Candy, Downton Abbey
Movies: Labyrinth, Drop Dead Fred, C.R.A.Z.Y. by by Jean-Marc Vallée, Weekend by Andrew Haigh
Songs: “Young Hearts Run Free” by Candi Staton; “Lovin Is Really My Game” by Brainstorm; “Love Come Down” by Evelyn Champagne King; “Somebody Else’s Guy” by Jocelyn Brown
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: The Wiz, Hello Dolly, Singin’ in the Rain
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Jerry, Your goal to spread QUEER LOVE experiences continues. What a beautiful story.
Mario, Thank you for your QUEER LOVE story. Maybe I am wanting to read this into your relationship with Mike but in so many ways it sounds perfect. Not perfect in every actions and every day but perfect in loving each other no matter what.
Your definition of love is so important: "I think love should be defined by the boundless and limitless nature of our abilities to create and share it in so many different and beautiful ways if only we allowed ourselves to."
My husband died before same-sex-marriage became legal in the U.S. so we missed all that. I would have loved to have been able to celebrate with family and friens and to have seen "All of their smiles and tears as Mike and I turned around hand in hand after saying our vows." What an amazing photo you shared. We were able in the very early days of changing attitudes, to have a civil union ceremony in Vermont. It only provided benefits if you lived in Vermont but participating in the ceremony was political and very, very romantic.
Thanks, Fondly,
Michael
Happy almost pub-day Mario!!