The QLP Questionnaire: Michael Narkunski
"I remember, overall, the message was being gay was bad, and even Ian McKellen saying the phrase 'deja vu' in a TV interview was gay and bad."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
Hi, I’m the co-editor of the Queer Love Project and a Los Angeles-based New Yorker whose essays deal with my homosexuality, relationships, mental health issues, growing up in the forgotten borough of Staten Island, and the occasional game show disaster. I also write plays and teleplays, often still about these things.
My essays have appeared in Out, Narratively, Hippocampus, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Southeast Review, and two LGBTQ+ anthologies. My plays have had readings and performances presented by Dixon Place, New Ambassadors Theatre Co., and the Philadelphia Artists’ Collective. I hold a BFA from NYU Tisch, MFA from Stony Brook University, and currently work at Book Soup in West Hollywood while finishing up my memoir, Bad Homos Have Macaroni Hearts. IG: @mikenark; and more at: michaelnarkunski.com
What is your name, age, where in the world do you primarily live?
Michael Narkunski, 37, Los Angeles.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay. Very gay. A gold star gay!
What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other) Understanding that for some it can be “complicated,” feel free to use whatever terms make sense and as much details as you feel comfortable sharing.
I’m engaged to be wed.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
No major ideal in a vacuum. I was single for most of my twenties and mostly “enjoyed” that chaos-ish. But I was lucky and found the perfect person to commit to, and grow with, and wrangle me, and life definitely feels like a two-person job (at least to my fragile being). So, being in a long-term couple is by far the ideal in that regard.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I think people think once you’re settled, you are settled. Which is both a yes and a no. But I think there is often a pressure to feed into that narrative too much, and then you can feel lonely or abnormal on the days or weeks where you feel quite unsettled (especially with an anxiety/OCD brain like mine). Within any long-term status, we remain complex and human. There is a spectrum of emotions and doubts and desires, which as Asya Graf pointed out in her recent essay, queers are often keenly aware of.
At the same time, I cringe at the “being a couple is a lot of work” adage. I think it can be quite easy with the right person, and that should be the goal, that life is made easier and better with the right teammate. I get there needs to be that reality check that it’s not all kittens and rainbows. But too much stress is too much stress, and especially in nascent relationships, when I hear about tons of drama, I’m quick to advocate for a break-up or step back (although, I’ve definitely been there).
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first boy kiss was in college. I didn’t like him all that much, but I was determined to break the seal. I was already out for years without any proof of concept, so I was going crazy.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Sometimes I see a dog or book cover or Insta-gay and I’m like, “I love you” in my head. It’s pure and natural and spontaneous, and at the same time, completely false. Because if I pet the dog and it bites me, or I open the book and it’s lame, or I click on the profile and I hear about some workout routine, the love is instantly obliterated. Real love, for me, is about affirming and bonding and supporting each other way beyond any initial “strong feeling.” It’s about getting to a point where the daily reality of your relationship even exceeds any feeling or projection or hope you may have had in your head, because it’s flawed and unconditional, and ultimately, life-defining.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
From the ages of 14-18, in different waves and variations. But to friends first, over AOL Instant Messenger, my teenage lord and savior.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I remember, overall, the message was being gay was bad, and even Ian McKellen saying the phrase “deja vu” in a TV interview was gay and bad. We weren’t even sure he was actually gay, but my father and child-me agreed he was gay anyway, for saying that. Ellen’s coming out helped a lot, though, and was always a touchstone in the back of my kiddie mind. And when I came out to my dad, she already had her talk show, and was out and happy, instead of canceled and in obscurity (I mean, the first time around), so I think he mostly connected my gayness to hers and reacted well. Queer relationships, though, still remained a mystery to me until Willow and Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and we all know how that turned out (spoiler: bad).
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships (this can be songs, TV shows, books, movies, etc.)
Again, nothing gay, but Roseanne sticks out to me. Sarcasm and teasing mixed with affection and love between Dan and Roseanne became my model, since I didn’t really have a healthy model at home, even for a straight relationship,
Also, speaking of Buffy, there was at least Spike’s speech toward the end of the series that stuck with me at 15: “When I say ‘I love you’ it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.” I think, when I felt this from my own partner, and I felt it back for him, I knew I hit the jackpot, even if it took awhile for me to make the connection.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Not really. Just maybe my one previous boyfriend—who I still love too, but in a platonic way.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I liked, after years of desire-repression, being able to simply express that desire. That discovery that men existed who actually wanted me back. That it’d be a rush and a thrill, to find someone hot, to have a drink, go to dinner, go home with them. We all know from our straight friends, there’s a lot less mystery and confusion involved on the whole. Gay men dating other gay men usually know the score with each other in some way or another. I don’t just mean sex, but they also automatically have a big thing in common and “get” it. Even if it’s not ultimately a match.
That said, gay men could still be awful, and there could be a major disconnect between us, especially in NYC, where I lived. There was a lot of competition. A lot of ego. A ton of attitude and rudeness on the apps and in the bars. I was once having a post-coital drink at a bar with a dude, and he kept looking around. When I asked why, he pointed in the distance, I turned, and by the time I turned back, he was gone.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
Like I said, the shared experience of just being gay, I think, is hugely bonding and a big foundation for our particular relationship. It leads to greater appreciation and joy, that we get to do this, that we found each other, that it’s not a foregone conclusion and what society encourages and has always encouraged. Also, we derive pleasure from just both being gross boys who are bitchy and oversaturated with pop culture.
Other than that, every day is an extreme joy because my partner is just an endlessly entertaining delight. I feel like we are basically starring in our own sitcom every night. And according to a synesthetic tea witch who made us a custom tea blend—which she titled “Are You Real?”—we walk around with a pink bubble glowing around us. I mean, a little on-the-nose, but I’ll take it.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
I do wish there was even a fraction of the same shared cultural understanding and encouragement that straight couples get. I also wish I could see how we’d individually flourish if gay people didn’t have to be the butt of the joke, or debated on the internet every day, or if every time a gay couple is on TV it’s part of the story that they’re GAY! It’s a lot of pressure and unrealistic to our lives and the way I see myself in my head.
There was a sketch on I Think You Should Leave with a gay couple at a party, but them being gay had nothing to do with the sketch, it was just, as usual, Tim Robinson’s weird behavior making things weird. It could’ve worked as a straight couple—probably “better.” But they made that choice, and it was definitely a crazy feeling just watching something for once that somewhat reflects the way your life looks, yet without it being about that, and it made me sad that it was just a glimpse. (Or maybe it happens all the time on Modern Family, and I just missed it.)
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
It’s not true, but my partner jokes that I’m “the least submissive bottom ever.” So, there can be a little confusion with certain duties, and who does what and what the expectations are. He also had no idea I’d want him to do a traditional proposal, but he heard me say it in a brief, semi-couples therapy situation. Some things are just harder to assume, but the pay-off is you learn to never really assume; you learn to listen.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
First, it’s about finding the right person you can be yourself with, and who can handle your personal brand of psychosis. Then, shedding the idea that it will fix that psychosis, or that you’ll fix theirs. Instead, you find a way to become a shared psychosis-management department.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Be patient, be open, and do what I did when you find someone good but you’re still unsure: ask for a trial period until you finally get over yourself.
Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.” Plus, find out how to submit your essay to The Queer Love Project. We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading.
a. I didn't know Spike was so wise and cool! and b. so agree that the idea of love (and sex) taking hard work can just be another capitalist message to be productive, work hard, and you can overcome all obstacles (or a good thing is not deserved unless labored for).