The QLP Questionnaire: Michael Volpatt
I’m done looking for the perfect “picket fence” relationship—and am content with loving myself.
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I’m currently the VP of Marketing and Innovation at Volpatt Construction. I’m also a cookbook author and entrepreneur. My professional career has taken a lot of twists and turns over the years.
Back in the early ‘90s, I started my career as a restaurant manager for Bob Evans Farms and found my way to their corporate offices in Columbus, Ohio. Then the internet came along, and I worked in web development and marketing collateral creation for technology companies. After 32 years and through a number of startups and other ventures, I finally landed back in Pittsburgh to work with my brother.
To help acclimate myself to a world that I have never worked in before—only grew up around—I turned to a book called How Big Things Get Done. It has started to shape my thinking about some of the unique projects we do as contractors and set me off into a new professional path.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 53 and currently live in Pittsburgh, where I grew up around a supportive (at times) and loving family.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I am a happy gay man.
What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
I am profoundly single and have been for quite some time.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
Deep connections to my family and friends is the most important love I need.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
In my 53 years of being on this earth, I’ve asked myself the “love question” many times. I’ve wondered why I wasn’t in a relationship when so many of my friends are committed and thriving—well, some of them anyway.
Yes, I like to get around and have fun. (Hold the comments.) Yes, I’m a free spirit and dislike being tied down. But I’ve done a good job of making a way for myself across the many places I’ve lived throughout the years. I would even say I’ve thrived, on my own, in my own way, walking down my golden yellow brick road.
My mother used to say to me, “You’re too selfish to be with someone else. Are you really ready to compromise?” OK, thanks Mom. But I have to ask: Why is the focus always on coupling? Is that the only love there is?
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
Well… without naming names, my first “intimate” moment was with someone I still know and love to this day. He and I used to find it funny to pee outside with another girl that lived on our street. Not that peeing is very intimate, but one thing often led to another and touching would always ensue. This started at a very young age and, TBH, there was no pressure on either end. It was all about curiosity. Our explorations extended into high school. We even talked openly about the boys we thought were cute. Having this connection was so important. I never felt alone around how I felt about other boys. Yes, I was confused, but I had an outlet.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason? For me, love is a strong connection to someone and it often happens very quickly in my world. There does not have to be sexual intimacy for that love to grow, but there needs to be emotional intimacy. I also see love as happening between two people or many. I have a few groups of friends and in that group we collectively love one another and have an emotional intimacy that transcends the people around us.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
While I can be a crazy romantic—cook a beautiful meal, snuggle for a while, and really go all out to make someone feel special in the moment—I can also walk away from all of that without getting emotionally attached.
Does this mean I’m fearful of commitment? Not at all. But my perspective is a little different: Not every fulfilling, rewarding relationship has to be based on long-term couplehood, cohabitation, and the expectation of exclusivity. You can have intimacy without permanence. Conversely—and trust me, I’ve seen this among my friends—you can commit to permanence and end up feeling miserable and lost.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I came out to my mother when I was 13. It was after practice for a theater group I was in. One of the mothers drove me home and told me that she thought I was gay. Then she proceeded to tell me that she knows gay people that get beat up and have bad lives and that I needed to see a therapist. This was a woman I idolized. So I got out of the car and went into the house and told my mother what she said. And then I told my mom I was gay. She was devastated and told me to never discuss it ever again.
So I packed it deep inside and went on with my life—desiring boys and fooling around here and there—until I was 20. That’s when my mom asked my brother to ask me if I was gay. So he came to me as said, “Mom wants to know something.” What does she want to know? “Well… she wants to know if you are…ya know…come on you know what she wants to know.” I said, “If you can’t say the word, you don’t get the answer.” He replied: “Fine… are you gay?” Yes. And so the journey began.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
My role model was a man named Joe Franze, may he rest in peace. He was the director of the CLO Mini Stars, a theater group that I was a part of. He took me under his wing and taught me how to participate as a member of a larger team of young singers, dancers, and actors.
He noticed that I was gravitating toward the older members of the CLO chorus. One day at the theater, he took me aside and told me that it was OK to think and feel the way I was feeling but to hold off on acting on these emotions until I thought more about what I was doing and was a little older.
I always say that Joe taught me more than how to “kick ball change.” He taught me how to embrace me and be a responsible and worthy team member. I miss him dearly.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
My afternoons were often spent in our basement pouring through musical theater albums. Songs from Sweeney Todd, The Music Man, Cats, Oklahoma, Annie… I listened to every word and memorized every lyric. My own little world existed in those albums and I came to understand how and why people love. The best example of love in these songs is from Sweeney Todd when Angela Lansbury sings “Not While I’m Around.” Such a beautiful example of love between two people.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I find love with friends and family and the crazy (often boozy) late night conversations I have with my besties who are scattered across San Francisco, Sonoma, Guerneville, Atlanta, Fire Island Pines, Ft. Lauderdale, Chicago, San Diego, New York City, Palm Springs, South Kent…
My mother recently passed away, and I was floored at the outpouring of emotion that was sent my way. It made me realize that the love I give always comes back. The number of good friends that flew in from all over the country to be with me and my family was astounding. Not to mention the number of teary calls where some of my closest people helped me navigate the loss of a woman that was so very dear to my soul. Death and grieving is a firm reminder of the power of loving friendships.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
My family—the people who raised me; the people I grew up with, who formed me, who helped me be who I am (intentionally or otherwise)—are essential to me. Knowing when a family member is in need and stepping up to the plate, making time, finding space, setting my own needs aside … I call that love.
A year-and-a-half ago, I woke up at 6 a.m. in California where I lived for 20-plus years to a text message from my sister-in-law that read: “Call me, it’s urgent.” We were on the phone in seconds, and she explained that my brother had 14 blood clots and was rushed into surgery. He specifically told her: “Tell Mikey to come home immediately.”
As the plane landed at the Pittsburgh airport, I looked out the window and knew at that moment I was moving home. I could never again be so far away from family in a time of need. Since making that decision, it’s been the most powerful blessing in my life to be side by side with my brother, running our family business and being close to the entire Volpatt brood.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
All of the “love” relationships I’ve been in, while great at first, seem to spiral into nothing at a pivotal point. The guys I’ve been with either like me wayyyy too much, want to spend tons of time together, or have what I like to call a “picket-fence” concept of the perfect relationship. None of that jibes with my way of thinking—and never has. And I think that’s OK.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I’m not saying commitment is bad. Many people have found the right person, and that works for them. But my version is a little different.
For me, love is not just about romance. You can find so much love in so many places. Real, deep, soulful love that fills you up and brings you joy. Love doesn’t have to involve sex or couplehood or living together or dating.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
They are fluid and change constantly. If you can’t ebb and flow with the seasons that relationships bring, it’s really hard to maintain them.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
I think love is also committing to myself and being the best person I can be, by giving back and helping others. At the end of the day, love should be defined by the committer, without an expectation of reciprocity.
But here‘s where it gets tricky: I sometimes find it hard to love myself. It’s taken me years to be comfortable in my own skin and believe that the work I do or the way I see the world adds value to society, to family, to friendships. I’m constantly comparing myself to others, and it’s absolutely debilitating. If I encounter someone who doesn’t like me, I stumble. I lose faith in myself.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
Although it may seem cliche by now after years of hearing it repeated, RuPaul does say it best: “How you gonna love anyone else if you can’t love yourself?"
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
We may want everyone to love us, but if you can’t love yourself, it shows. People can read insecurity, and I venture to guess it’s a bit of a turn off.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
TV Show: The Facts of Life
Movie: The Color Purple
Song: “Not While I’m Around”
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Museums inspire me—especially The Frick in Pittsburgh.
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