The QLP Questionnaire: Rande Iaboni

"Dating apps suck, but I know numerous couples who have found love on them. You just need to be swiping with intention, not treating it like a video game..."

Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.

I’m currently a Supervising Producer for Entertainment Tonight for the last 10+ years, interviewing, booking and covering various celebrity events. I was previously a News Assistant at CNN for the first few years of my career. I’m a proud winner of seven Daytime Emmy Awards and you can check out some more of my writing here.

My passions are, unsurprisingly, movies and television (I was that little kid who used his action figures to play out “The Oscars” as opposed to using them to fight each other) and—perhaps somewhat surprisingly to some—scary movies.

My love of horror and media simultaneously came at the ripe age of six years old when I was exposed to the Kevin Williamson-written and Wes Craven-directed, Scream (1996). I was enamored with the meta-humor, clever dialogue and suspenseful set pieces. I immediately identified with the strong women in the franchise, and pleasantly discovered this was a common trope across the genre. Horror became my safe haven—a cathartic release of fear without the risk of actual danger. I also wanted to be a cut-throat news reporter just like Scream’s Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox), and I feel like I manifested that in a way six-year-old me would have never believed possible. 

I love my work and what I do but I still have aspirations of watching my own queer horror film up on the big screen one day. The ultimate dream is on Halloween night to answer the door for a trick-or-treater wearing a costume from a film I created. I get the chills just thinking about that.

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What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 34 years old, I’ve lived in Manhattan for the last 15 years. I was born in Mount Vernon, NY (yes, “Money Earnin' Mount Vernon”), same as my older brother and parents, before later growing up in the Westchester area through high school. I graduated from NYU and received a Bachelor’s Degree in Media, Culture and Communications and have lived in NYC ever since. 

How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Proud platinum gay man. (Born via C-section!) I knew from a young age I was gay, so I never needed to experiment in the lady pond. 

What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
I am currently single. 

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
Depends on the person and the timing. Being single has been really fun the last few years, but ultimately I’d like to find a long-term partner to build a life with. I’d like to get married one day, but that’s not a deal breaker if my partner wasn’t for it.

I’m not rushing it and settling for anything less than spectacular. No biological clock here; I’d love kids one day via adoption, but my dad was 44 years old when l was born, so that’s my “scary age.” I’ve got time. 

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
Biggest misconception about being in a relationship, for me, was that people often took me more seriously and gave me more respect because there was the impression I had my shit together. I noticed a big shift with friends, family and the workplace when people learned I was in a serious relationship. And yet ‘having your shit together’ is most definitely not the case if you’re in a toxic relationship. 

Biggest misconception for being single is that people often feel sorry for you and assume you’re lonely. Those moments are fleeting and if you truly love yourself, which I have come to, being alone can be some of my favorite moments and memories. I think it’s incredibly important to be okay by yourself before becoming a couple. 

When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first kiss was when I was 16 years old with a girl. It was for a “spin the bottle”-esque game and, while that could imply I was pressured, I already knew I was gay at that point so it was low stakes. It just seemed like a way to practice for the big leagues with men (this will be the only sports metaphor I use). She was a good friend of mine and later that year my junior prom date! I wasn’t publicly out of the closet yet, but she was one of those safe friends who just knew.  

My first REAL intimate moment with a man that I was attracted to was as a freshman in college when I was 18. I met a cute red-headed senior on the track team my first week, and we began a flirtatious relationship that led to one drunken Halloween where I went to his off-campus house in the middle of the night and fooled around. We did “everything but” as the kids used to say (I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21), and after we finished, I frantically rushed back home—even forgetting my hoodie in the process. I found the experience fun and exhilarating, but the next morning my hang-xiety caused me immense guilt over what I had done. Blame it on the Catholic upbringing. I eventually got over that guilt, but it took years. 

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason
I’ve only been in love once in my life, and it fucked me up royally. It can be the best feeling in the world, and it can also be the worst. I had never experienced such highs and lows in my life before. I remember after our first date, I called my mom and cheekily told her, “I think I’m going to marry that man.” Call it “Love at First Date,” rather than first sight. (Spoiler alert: we did not marry).

Five months later, he took me to a Robyn concert, and it was there that I felt that pitter-patter in my heart and realized I was truly in love with him. We moved in together after a year, and it was then I was able to pinpoint what I fell in love with: safety, security, and loyalty. When our relationship crumbled to pieces, those components still remained true to me, but with added measures.

As I’ve grown as an individual, my definition of love is also someone who will lift me up and elevate me in every way possible, a true partner (not competitor) who loves not just the best parts about me but embraces my most insecure and vulnerable moments. I still want to feel safe, but that should be a given in any relationship, not the basis of your love. 

Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
Being in love opened up a part of my heart I was unaware existed. That type of intimacy was something I had never experienced—and have not since. Because it was a new emotion for me, I poured everything into it and felt it filled my deepest needs for closeness, to the point that the people in my life were truly shocked when it ended because I had never spoke negatively about the relationship with anyone; it felt like a betrayal. That’s an example of being loyal to a fault.

In the years since, I have come to really appreciate the non-romantic relationships in my life: friends, family, coworkers. I think putting all of your intimacy on one person is a ton of pressure in both directions and can have catastrophic endings, speaking from personal experience. But there’s something beautiful about cuddling up to your person at night and feeling whole as you drift off to sleep, and I never want to become too jaded to forget what that type of happiness feels like.

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
What people often forget is you don’t come out as gay one time. There’s different levels/stages and comfortability levels. Even though I always knew, and suspect everyone in my orbit secretly knew as well, it was terrifying to think about how much my life would change. I would become the token gay guy at my school; I could lose friends, family, safety, etc. I’m so grateful this process has gotten easier for kids today, but I found the entire process agonizing. 

The first people I came out to were my Mom and Dad when I was 16, unintentionally I might add. I visited my big brother at his college fraternity and being my first keg party I didn’t exactly have a handle on my alcohol. I got sick and blacked out; my brother called my parents to come and get me (God forbid HE had to take care of me…) and so in the middle of the night my parents picked me up and took me home. The next morning, in addition to my hang-xiety and overall embarrassment at being a drunken mess the night before, my parents were acting strangely toward me, looking at me differently. I couldn’t understand what was going on until my mother finally confronted me in her bedroom.

Apparently in the midst of my drunken, blacked-out state, I had come out to my parents that night. There’s a part of me that’s glad I don’t remember it because I truly don’t know how they reacted in the moment. By the next day, when they confronted me about it, they had managed to come to terms with this and tell me not only did they love me, but that this was my home and I needed to feel safe. It meant the world to me, but I do often feel like alcohol robbed me of that authentic moment. 

Rande interviewing Jonathan Bailey at work.

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
My mom’s longtime attorney and good friend was gay when I was growing up. He was married to a man, they had children and were very wealthy. At such a young age, being exposed to their culture, lifestyle and happiness, it was immeasurable to realize the standard cookie-cutter life could be obtained. This married couple represented an opportunity to me. They were probably the only real-life role models I had at a young age—my high school did not have a gay/straight alliance, none of my teachers or family members were publicly out—so I held on to that image of that married couple for a long time because of what it represented. A normalcy I had been told was not possible for me. 

Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Oh where do I begin?! My gay sexual awakening came from the film Cruel Intentions. At a sleepover one night at the age of 10 I watched as boys drooled over the Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair make-out (iconic, but not titillating for me), while I found myself utterly obsessed with the small featured characters of Joshua Jackson and Eric Mabius. Their storyline involves some homophobic blackmailing but, putting morality aside, let’s just say I needed to excuse myself for a bit after watching their brief scene in bed. And I learned that movies and television might be the only way to expose myself to homosexuality, so I immersed myself in all forms of entertainment. 

My main television show I have to give credit to will probably make me a laughing stock, but oh well! It was Degrassi: The Next Generation, the sequel series to the Canadian teen soap from the ’80s. This newer iteration featured a young Italian gay teenager, Marco (Adamo Ruggiero), and over the course of six seasons during my pivotal teen years, I watched Marco discover his sexuality, come out to his friends and family, fall in love, experience heartbreak, and even become the victim of a brutal hate crime. I identified so closely with this character and I’m so grateful Canada was willing to put this on TV, because American audiences still weren’t ready to “go there.” And yes, that was the series’ slogan: “Degrassi: It Goes There…” 

Do you have a Chosen Family? 
Not really. I’m fortunate that my biological family and straight friends accepted me so warmly that I never felt the need to go out and build a second family for myself. But there are times I wish for a stronger group within the gay community, like I almost missed out on that bonus. It's really hard to complain when I have such a loving and accepting biological family, but one day hoping for a secondary Chosen Family. 

Rande with the rest of his biological family.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
My immediate family—mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law & niece—and I are incredibly close. Like, all living within five blocks of each other levels of close. My early teen years were very contentious, but once I came out to them, I came into myself—and they loved the real me more than the persona I was putting on.

I still struggle at times because there were early parts of my childhood before I was out of the closet that were very hurtful and definitely had a lasting impact. Even today I catch differences in the way my straight brother and I are treated by our parents, but at the end of the day, they are the ones I look to most when in times of crisis. They are my safe haven. 

What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ+ person? What do/did you dislike?
The gay dating world can be incredibly toxic. There are a lot of distorted realities when it comes to the perfect body type, job status, and fashion sense—especially in NYC, where there’s a new gay man on every corner. While some may think that makes it easier to date, they’d be wrong: It just makes it easier to hook up, if that’s what you’re looking for. Actual dating in this city is incredibly challenging because of the sheer volume of gay men—folks find themselves weary to commit because they think the next hottest gay is just around the bend, and they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong.

As I reach my mid-thirties, I have learned there’s a huge difference between what the gay community as a whole has decided is attractive versus what I personally find attractive, and a lot of those attributes I look for aren’t even physical. Dating apps suck, but I know numerous couples who have found love on them. You just need to be swiping with intention, not treating it like a video game and remember there are real-life people on the other end of those profiles. 

Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
Not on my end. I am pretty open in terms of race, ethnicity or cultural differences. In fact, I’m typically excited if I get the chance to date someone outside of my own culture, even if that feeling isn’t always reciprocated. Although, I think it would be difficult for me to date a conservative Republican, at least in this political climate. One of the bigger factors for me is if the man identifies as a top. It’s not just sexually speaking, but also a dominance that I am attracted to in a relationship. 

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
I’d say I’ve had a well-rounded dating life in that I’ve initiated the end of relationships just as often as people have ended them with me. If the chemistry isn’t there for both parties, why force it? I have never struggled with keeping a relationship that mattered to me. They all ended when they should have, but there have been times that I’ve struggled to find one. But they always say it happens when you stop looking…

What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
Your partner is not going to react to things the same way you do. Boy, if someone explained that to me earlier on, I think relationships would have gone a lot smoother. I often find myself guffawed when people respond to something in a manner different than mine, and can often view that as a form of betrayal. Of course, that’s not reality, just feelings.

As I’ve stated, a quality I look for in love is loyalty. If the person I’m with isn’t matching my level of loyalty or seems to have an overall lack of loyalty to his commitments, it’s an immediate turn off. So, in addition to being surprised that people don’t respond the same way to conflict or pressure as I do (duh), I also was surprised at how much loyalty means to me. And for the record, I don’t think I’m changing that part of me. 

Have you experienced heartbreak? 
Yes, once in my life at the age of 30. Probably the hardest emotional experience of my life to overcome. But at the same time, I am tremendously grateful for it. Not only did I learn so much about myself and grow leaps and bounds maturity wise, but it opened up a whole new world to me that I had never understood.

For years, maybe even decades, I had been the supportive gay BFF to all my friends who went through heartbreak and I’d casually tell them to drop the loser and move on. “Who cares? It’s just a guy? You’re so much better than him!” It wasn’t until I experienced it for the first time that I realized how difficult it can really be. I am a more emotional person now and feel like I can connect to people on a stronger level because of that. I think the heartbreak allowed me to be softer, while still being able to hold on to that hard exterior if needed.

How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
When I was in a 2+ year serious relationship, I felt the sex evolved but never actually changed dramatically. It started off good and then got mind-blowing and then plateaued into a great comfortableness. I never found myself uninterested in him physically until we broke up and our sex life, in my opinion, was very healthy at about three to four times per week. We’re gay men after all and it takes a lot to lose interest in sex! I don’t ever get bored of having sex with the same person so long as I feel safe with them because, when I’m comfortable with you, I’m willing to always keep things fresh. No two times having sex should feel exactly the same if you’re doing it right. 

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
Traveling to Provincetown, MA, with my past serious boyfriend. Despite living in NYC, I had never walked down a street before holding my boyfriend’s hand without at least one person looking at us weirdly. In P-Town, everyone on the street was a same-sex couple holding hands. I never had a Chosen Family, but walking down that street was a moment of pure bliss. 

And then there’s the random moments of joy that I found in a same-sex partnership, like being able to share the same clothes, having similar interests in movies and music, and having a similar sex drive. The amount of heterosexual men complaining about the lack of sex in their relationships would have been enough to turn me gay if I weren’t already. 

Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
As time goes on, there seem to be less and less milestones that are out of my reach to achieve. In this country, I can get married; I can adopt a child; I can be out and proud at a job that I love.

So at this moment, the only thing that sort of bums me out is the lack of gay couples on reality shows like Love is Blind and The Bachelor! Gay men make up a huge percentage of reality television viewers, and yet I don’t see enough of us actually on the screen besides RuPaul’s Drag Race. Give us dating shows, give us Real House-Husbands franchises. Scripted homosexual content is fantastic (hello, Fellow Travelers), but I also want REALITY. 

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I have never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I would love to try out a threesome. If you asked me years ago, I probably would have said no to that, but in recent years, I’ve become much more open-minded sexually, so long as everything is consensual. 

Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
I was 15 years younger than my first serious boyfriend, and while I know age differences in gay couples are very common, I think this one was just a bit too much for me. What started as a partnership with someone wiser and more experienced than me turned into a power struggle and condescension. My youth was originally seen as a positive in the relationship, but as time went on, it was used against me in order to settle disagreements. I have less life experience, therefore my point of view holds less value. I don’t subscribe to that belief, but it took that relationship for me to figure it out. 

What is your philosophy about relationships?
Have you ever seen the M. Night Shyamalan thriller Split, starring James McAvoy? It’s about a man with 24 different personalities, all fighting for the “light” at the same time in order to take control over the host’s body. I feel that, too often in romantic relationships, there is fighting for the light. Keeping score and turning it into a competition. My philosophy is, turn that smaller light into a spotlight on both of you. If one of you is succeeding, so should the other one. My accomplishments should feel like yours and vice versa. In my career, there is nothing more beautiful than a famous A-lister bringing his/her less-than-famous significant other to join them for the interview. It’s their way of reminding all of us at home that they wouldn’t be on this red carpet with flashing lights if it weren’t for their partner. Share the spotlight. 

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
Happiness is not just handed to queer people. Ironic given the word gay used to mean happy. We have had to fight for our joy in this world, and it’s often an everyday continuing battle. But it’s so worth it. And damn does it make me feel special to be part of such a small-but-mighty community.   

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
I used to think I was someone who would never find love. I watched all of my friends and family fall in love so many times, while it never happened for me. I hated Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve—any holiday even remotely connected to being a couple or in love. It felt discriminatory, like a club I couldn’t be invited to. And then I fell in love, and I suddenly leaned into these holidays and all of the romantic tropes I used to make fun of.

The truth is, I wasn’t able to find love until I truly was in love with myself. Easier said than done because no one is harder on us than ourselves. But once I found that inner love, I was suddenly open to receiving love and it came faster than I anticipated. Though I’m single now—and there are still times where I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love again—I remind myself that the greatest relationship is the one I have with myself, and if I’m able to find someone who can fit into this existing relationship, then I’ll welcome him with open arms.

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BONUS: 

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Book: The Rules of Attraction by Brett Easton Ellis  

TV Show: Fellow Travelers on Paramount+/Showtime 

Movie: Scream written by Kevin Williamson and directed by the late Wes Craven. I’d need an entire essay to explain how much this film changed my life. But if you haven’t seen it recently, please give it a rewatch. Written by an out gay screenwriter, it’s entirely queer-coded from the female protagonist’s gender neutral name of “Sid” to the bitchy one-liners from Gale Weathers and the undeniable homoeroticism of that killer reveal. 

Song: “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga. I’m not a Little Monster by any means, but this song got me through a rough patch when I was 19 and, whenever it comes on, I smile and just dance—because it’s going to be OK.

Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Am I allowed to say Rent without being a total cliche? I saw it on Broadway when I was 14, and I fell in love with the NYC setting and incredible music.

Rande meeting his idol, the screenwriter of Scream, Kevin Williamson.

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