The QLP Questionnaire: Ricky Sim
"Growing up as a gay Asian in America, there’s an unspoken rule that we should find a white boyfriend and be the 'bottom'... I ended up carrying some shame in admitting what I liked..."
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I am a writer, stand-up comedian, storyteller and a lawyer. By day, I work in the financial technology industry. Somehow, both my day job and artist life require me to craft narratives that are relatable and share different perspectives and hopefully find reconciliation to some extent.
As a stand-up/storyteller, I have performed at various venues in New York City, Los Angeles, Toronto, and Kuala Lumpur, including Laugh Factory, Carolines on Broadway, Broadway Comedy Club, Caveat, and Comedy Cellar. I opened for Julia Scotti (America’s Got Talent) and Marcia Belsky (on Comedy Central). I was selected to perform at the Moth Storytelling Mainstage NYC in April 2025.
My solo show Coming Out to Dead People—which received multiple critical reviews from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe—had its off-West End debut at SohoTheatre in London and NYC's Soho Playhouse debut in 2024. The show was selected as one of the UK's Offfest finalists of 2024 Off-West End Awards (OFFIES). The solo show is based on my experience coming out to my traditional Chinese-Malaysian immigrant mother after her terminal cancer diagnosis. I will perform the show in New York City at Joe's Pub this July 2025.
Connect with me via Instagram, bluesky, or my website RickySim.com
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 38 years old and was born in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I moved to Queens, New York, when I was 13. Aside from the few months when I lived in Tokyo and Beijing for school and work, I have basically spent my entire life in NYC: high school in Queens, college in the Bronx, and law school in Brooklyn. #commuterlife4ever
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay or queer. I am OK to identify myself as both, although within a queer community, I am probably considered as a cisgender gay man.
What is your relationship status?
Married.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I don’t think I ever grew up with an “ideal” relationship aspiration in mind. I have sorta been just whatever come comes. I think my mom’s passing when I was a teenager and my sibling’s divorce have had a big impact on my view on relationships. I stopped expecting a relationship to last and stopped believing in “happily ever after” when I was very young.
I see relationships as either ending in divorce or death, which made me stop placing so much mental energy on constructing what’s an “ideal relationship.” To me, as long as my partner and I are happy and comfortable being with each other—in the moment, not about the past, not about the future—I am content.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That every relationship should be the same and every singledom (if that’s a word) should be the same. I think whether you are single or in a relationship—you create the rules of what makes you happy at that moment. Whatever expectation you have, that’s nothing more than expectation, they don’t make you happy.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
Embarrassed to say, I had my first hook-up with a stranger months before I had my intimate moment with somebody I knew. I was 15 or 16; it was my first hook-up that I met online. I can’t remember what website I used. Some sort of blog. It was a time when we still had to use an external webcam attached to our desktop to take selfies (and people were already using it for dick pics).
I did not feel pressured into it, but I knew I wanted to get it out of the way. To know that this is actually what I like and to feel reassured with my sexuality. A year later, I met my first boyfriend and had all the bf intimate moments (holding hands, kisses, giving gifts, taking pictures at the photo booth), and he dumped me right after Valentine’s Day.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I definitely think love is built. There should be some positive vibes in the beginning, it would be good if there’s a spark (or fireworks) but, either way, the love is the long term understanding and caring that you built with somebody over time. The unconditional understanding and acceptance of each of us changing and growing each day.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I was outed to my family in my late teens. I first came out to my best friend in my teens. She’s my church girly. I wanted to meet up with another guy to hook up, but I was worried that I would get kidnapped or murdered, so I had no choice but to come out to her and said, “If you don’t hear back from me after the Sunday school, please tell my mom to report it to the police. But otherwise, I am fine, don’t tell anyone what I am up to.”
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I looked up to Margaret Cho a lot as a queer / stand-up comedian role model. She’s the very first stand-up performance I watched, before I even knew what stand up was. Heck, I was still learning English at that time as an ESL student.
In terms of queer relationships, in either Western media or Chinese media, I feel like most of the queer relationships I watched growing up were non-lasting/had some tragic endings. This probably also contributes to me not having a very romanticized idealistic aspiration for a relationship. And I am OK with that.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I have many chosen families who have been supporting me through thick and thin and, without them, I wouldn’t be here.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Quite distant, but I would still want to spend time with them and not to do (or not do) anything that I would regret afterward.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
I prefer guys who are not overly U.S./American-cultural-centrics. I do not feel like I have to change my entire persona to accommodate. I like and enjoy a lot of American culture/pop-culture, but I also enjoy traveling and experience cultures from other places, and I wish I could share that love with my partners.
I find guys from U.K./Europe and Asia are more open and sensible to other cultures, and I appreciate that.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
One of the major heartbreaks I experienced was when my second boyfriend, who was my longest boyfriend at that time, decided to break up with me a couple of months before my mom passed away. Huge part of it was I was outed by my family member when my mom was in critical condition, and I was pressured to tell my mom that I will be a “good son” after her death and will marry a “good Chinese woman.”
I was in a lot of confusion and guilt that I kept talking to my boyfriend about it at that time, and he probably couldn’t take it anymore (ngl, it was a lot) and broke up with me. It’s not his fault, but the heartbreak was huge because, all that time, I just felt like it’s my fault that he broke up with me.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
My dad had been disapproving of my sexuality ever since I came out of the closet. After I eloped with my husband and we moved in together, my dad came to visit us once. One day, he was sick, and my husband started rubbing Vicks VapoRub on his chest, and he was OK for him to do that. And after a while, my dad slowly fell asleep. That was the cutest moment I will always remember.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
This is not so much of a standard heterosexual relationship thing, but I wish I could travel with my parents more, with my partner or queer friends/chosen family.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Growing up as a gay Asian in America, there’s always some unspoken rule that gay Asians should find a white boyfriend and be the “bottom” of the relationship. Whenever people saw a gay Asian man with a masculine white boyfriend, people always saw that as some sort of gold-standard. I was quite confused in my late-teen/early-twenties because I thought I had to do the same thing, but I didn’t realize I never enjoyed being the bottom nor did I like guys with masculine features.
Whenever I expressed that, my friends would be, “That’s your type? Are you serious?” and I ended up carrying some shame in admitting finding more feminine guy attractive. Yeah, early 2000s were quite toxic. In my thirties, I have started feeling more comfortable with my roles and at peace with my attraction. I like making my loved ones happy and taking care of them in a relationship.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
I think finding love is overrated. Love yourself and let love find you, and learn to embrace it when it comes.
Ricky will perform his one-man show, Coming Out to Dead People in New York City at Joe's Pub this July 2025.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
TV Show: Queer As Folk, the original U.K. one
Movie: Hello Ghost (there are a few remade, but all are great)
Song: “Monster” by Lady Gaga; “Jie Mei (Sisters)” by A-Mei (both are strong millennial gay anthems in English and Chinese)
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Rent