The QLP Questionnaire: Ryan Sheldon
"I don’t think there’s been truly great representation of queer love in the media. Even in movies or shows that attempt to portray it, the characters often don’t feel like 'real people.'"
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
Ryan Sheldon is a brawn model, writer, and advocate for eating disorder awareness. Known for his work with the National Eating Disorders Association, Ryan has been a vocal champion for body positivity and mental health, especially within the LGBTQ+ community.
As the author of F*ckboys Are Boring: A Gay Man’s Guide to Dating (For Everyone)*, he shares his humor, honesty, and personal experiences to inspire readers to navigate the complexities of dating and self-discovery. Ryan’s work has been featured in various media outlets, where he continues to challenge societal norms and promote self-acceptance.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 36 years old and currently live in sunny Los Angeles. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Baltimore, Maryland.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I am a gay man who dated women until I was 28, took me a while. ;)
What is your relationship status?
I have been in a three-year relationship, and we’re about to take the exciting step of moving in together. As a gay man, getting into a committed relationship was no small feat—navigating the gay dating world was one of the most challenging and eye-opening experiences I’ve ever faced. It taught me a lot about myself, what I value in a partner, and the importance of resilience and authenticity in building a meaningful connection. Now, I’m grateful to have found someone with whom I can grow and share this next chapter of life.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I don’t believe in an “ideal” status when it comes to relationships. It’s all preference, and what works for one person might not work for another. For me, the focus is less on the label and more on the connection, communication, and shared values between two people. Every stage—whether single, dating, in a long-term partnership, or married—has its own unique joys and challenges. The “ideal” is whatever feels authentic and fulfilling for the individuals involved.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The biggest misconception is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Many people are so focused on achieving the goal of being in a relationship that they sometimes sacrifice their own basic needs—like being treated with respect, just to have a partner.
On the flip side, those in relationships can sometimes romanticize the idea of being single, seeing it as a kind of freedom they miss so much that they might even cheat to recapture that feeling. In reality, both being single and being in a relationship come with their own challenges and rewards, and true happiness comes from being content, accepting of yourself, and authentic in whichever stage of life you're in.
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
Gosh, why am I blushing and wanting to burst into tears at the same time just thinking about this? First, I want to clarify that intimate moments for me aren’t just about hooking up—they’re about vulnerability, honesty, and connection in every single moment. I’ll never forget my first truly intimate moment: telling someone I loved them.
In my head, I had built it up as this grand, cinematic event—almost like a scene straight out of The Notebook. But instead of a sweeping declaration of mutual love, I got the response, “Oh, Ryan, I care for you deeply, but this isn’t going to work out.” I was devastated.
Looking back, I also realize I felt pressured in a way I didn’t fully understand at the time. Even though I genuinely loved this person, a part of me felt like if I didn’t say it out loud, I might lose them. That pressure didn’t come from them explicitly—it came from my own fear of abandonment and my desperate attempt to hold on to something I wasn’t ready to let go of. Sometimes we grasp at straws for no reason, thinking it will save us from heartbreak, when in reality, it often just prolongs the inevitable.
That experience left me scared of intimacy for a long time, but it also taught me a valuable lesson: intimacy isn’t about the words you say or the outcome you hope for—it’s about the courage to be honest with yourself and others, even if it means facing rejection.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Love and being in love are two very different things for me. For example, I love my mom, but I’m not in love with her. On the other hand, I love my boyfriend and I’m also in love with him. That distinction is important because, while love is a deep, enduring connection, being in love adds layers of passion, romance, and intimacy.
Love can inspire people to do the wildest things—it’s powerful and transformative. But I don’t believe in love at first sight. What people often call “love at first sight” is, in my view, more like lust or infatuation. Real love isn’t instant; it takes time, patience, and effort.
Love needs nurturing and work. It’s about creating a space where trust, understanding, and connection can grow over time. It’s not just about the strong feelings you might have in the beginning but about the choice to show up for someone again and again—even when it’s hard. Love, in its truest form, is both a feeling and an ongoing commitment to grow together.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
This is a funny story. Some of my friends in LA already knew I was exploring my sexuality and would even go to gay bars with me to help me figure things out. But I’ll never forget how I came out to my mom. It was Thanksgiving 2017, and I was back at her house in Baltimore. As I was waiting for my Uber to take me to the airport, this conversation happened:
Me: “Mom, by the way, I’m dating someone.”
Mom: “Oh great!”
Me: “The thing is... they’re a boy.”
Mom: “Oh...”
Me: “Ah, Uber’s here. Gotta run. Love you!”
While my mom is so loving and accepting of me and my boyfriend now, it wasn’t an overnight process. It took her some time to adjust. She used to ask, “Are you sure you’re gay?” and I’d respond with a laugh, “Did you really think I was straight?”
I’m incredibly fortunate and grateful that the majority of the people in my life have embraced me for who I am. However, not everyone did. I did lose a close friend because of it, which was painful. But overall, my coming-out experience was relatively smooth; something I know isn’t the case for so many others. I feel lucky to have come out of it mostly unscathed, and I deeply empathize with those whose journeys are more difficult.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I can’t say that I had any LGBTQ+ role models growing up. I think it’s mostly because, while I knew I was attracted to men, I didn’t realize I was gay. That might sound bizarre to some, but I genuinely thought everyone was attracted to men—it just didn’t occur to me that this wasn’t everyone’s reality.
I remember one particular moment as a kid that stuck with me. I saw a same-sex couple, and someone I was with made a horrible, derogatory comment about them. In that moment, I remember thinking, FUCK! I can’t let that be me. It was heartbreaking. At the time, being gay felt like the end of the world to me, like the worst thing that could ever happen. I was so scared of what it meant for my future and how people would treat me.
But today, I’m incredibly proud of who I am and of my identity as a gay man. It’s been a long journey, but I’ve come to embrace myself in ways I couldn’t have imagined back then. If anything, I hope I can now be the kind of role model for others that I wish I had when I was growing up.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think there’s been truly great representation of queer love in the media. Even in movies or shows that attempt to portray it, the characters often don’t feel like “real people.” When I say “real people,” I’m referring to the everyday person who doesn’t fit into the stereotypical “cultural ideal body.” For men, this usually means having a six-pack, a chiseled jawline, and big biceps; for women, it’s a tiny waist, big breasts, and long legs.
As a society, we’ve created this impossible standard of beauty and tied it to worthiness—implying that in order to be successful, lovable, wealthy, or deserving of love, you have to look a certain way. This narrative infuriates me, especially as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and body image issues.
Love and relationships are so much more complex and beautiful than what these narrow ideals depict. What we need is more representation of diverse bodies, experiences, and relationships in media—stories that reflect real people and show that love isn’t reserved for those who meet some arbitrary standard of physical perfection. Until then, I think we’ll continue to miss the mark on showing what love and connection really look like.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I do, and I love them very much. However, I don’t have many gay friends and that’s something I really wish I did have. Taking applications!
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Tricky question. My relationship with my mom’s side of the family is overall great, with the exception of one or two individuals. However, my relationship with my father is essentially non-existent. My parents divorced when I was just six months old, and my mom raised me on her own.
Over the years, I’ve tried to work on building a relationship with my father, but sometimes it feels like it’s just too late. Talking to him often feels like trying to connect with a complete stranger. While I’ve made peace with the situation to some extent, it’s still a bittersweet reality. My mom has always been my rock, and I’m incredibly grateful for her love and support—it’s what shaped the foundation of who I am today.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?I could write a whole book about this! OH wait, I did! Without giving too much away, dating as a gay man is uniquely challenging due to a mix of societal pressures, cultural dynamics, and internalized expectations. Without giving too much away, here are three reasons it can be particularly difficult (there are more):
Hookup Culture vs. Relationship Goals
In many gay dating spaces, casual hookups are often the norm, and finding someone who shares your desire for a committed relationship can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. There's nothing wrong with casual dating, but for those seeking something more serious, it can be frustrating.
Body Image and Societal Standards
Gay men often face intense pressure to meet unrealistic beauty standards, with an overemphasis on muscular physiques, youth, and aesthetic perfection. This can create insecurities and a feeling that one needs to "qualify" to be dateable.
Internalized Homophobia
Many gay men grow up in environments that stigmatize their identity, leading to internalized shame or fear of rejection. This can make being vulnerable in relationships particularly hard, as it requires overcoming deeply ingrained fears.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
This hasn’t been a factor for me in terms of who I seek out, but I have seen this both play out in the LGBTQ+ world and the hetero dating world as well.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
YES—absolutely. For the reasons I mentioned earlier, but for me, it was particularly because of body image issues. At the time, I felt like my struggles in dating were entirely because of my body size. In retrospect, though, I realize a lot of it had to do with how I viewed and felt about myself.
It was often easier to blame rejection on my body—that a guy wasn’t into me because of how I looked. And while I know that was true in some cases, in others, I really have no idea why they weren’t interested. But when you’re insecure, it’s easy to latch onto the most obvious reason and internalize it as fact.
I’ll never forget the time a guy outright called me fat to my face. That moment stuck with me and impacted the way I dated for years afterward. It wasn’t just the insult—it was how it reinforced every fear I had about being unworthy of love because of my body.
Looking back now, I realize how much I was holding myself back, allowing those insecurities to dictate my self-worth and dating life. While those experiences were painful, they’ve also taught me the importance of self-acceptance and not letting someone else’s opinion define my value.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
The most surprising thing I’ve learned about relationships is that they’re nothing like the movies. In fact, what Hollywood often portrays as “true love” is actually really unhealthy. Take The Notebook, for example—I used to believe that true, passionate love meant drama, the whole “love is worth fighting for” idea. But in reality, that kind of love can be toxic.
Love shouldn’t be hard, and that’s where we often get confused. It’s not supposed to be chaotic or filled with constant ups and downs. Love should be stable, uncomplicated, and easy in the sense that it doesn’t feel like a battle to maintain. We often mistake feelings of passion and romance for chaos, but true, lasting love is built on stability and trust.
Stable love equates to longevity, and while some might perceive it as “boring” at times, it has the potential to be everlasting. Do you really want to be with someone for years and not know when—or if—they’re going to call you next? That kind of unpredictability might seem exciting at first, but it doesn’t build the foundation for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Love thrives in stability, where both people feel secure and supported, not in the chaos of constant uncertainty.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh boy, have I ever experienced heartbreak—it was ugly. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me, and it completely crushed me. It was one of those moments that literally takes your breath away. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, sobbing over this guy, and she asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: “What are you looking for in a partner?”
In that moment, I realized I didn’t actually know. I thought I’d had it figured out for years, but clearly, whatever I thought I wanted hadn’t worked out. It was a wake-up call that maybe I’d been looking for the wrong things all along.
That’s when I decided to do something about it. I began documenting my journey of dating, self-discovery, and figuring out what I truly wanted in a partner—and in myself. That journey ultimately led me to write a book about it! It was a transformative experience, turning one of the most painful moments of my life into something meaningful and, hopefully, helpful to others. Heartbreak taught me to reassess, rebuild, and redefine what love and partnership mean to me.
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
My sexual relationship with my partner is great, and I truly believe communication is the key to making it work. In the gay dating world, one of the first questions people often ask is, “Are you a top or a bottom?” I’ve always found that a bit perplexing. While everyone has their preferences—and let’s be honest, even straight couples have their favorite positions—it’s OK to occasionally step out of your comfort zone or try things that aren’t necessarily your favorite.
I just can’t believe it’s a dealbreaker for some people. At the end of the day, sex is about connection, intimacy, and enjoying the experience with the person you love. Labels and rigid expectations can limit that connection. For me, the best sexual relationships are built on trust, open communication, and a willingness to make each other feel good—both emotionally and physically. That’s what makes it great, and that’s how it evolves over time.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Standard heterosexual relationships have a lot that I sometimes feel left out of, to be honest. But the biggest thing I wish I could achieve is feeling just as safe as they do. There are moments where I hesitate to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public—not because I’m ashamed, but because I worry it might put us in a dangerous situation.
Maybe it’s my own fears, but after experiencing gay slurs and harassment, you become cautious. It’s a constant balancing act between wanting to express your love openly and protecting yourself from potential harm.
Heterosexual couples often don’t have to think twice about showing affection in public, and that’s something I deeply envy. The freedom to exist authentically, without fear or second-guessing, is a privilege I hope one day everyone can enjoy—regardless of who they love. Until then, we navigate the world as bravely as we can, cherishing the moments of safety and acceptance when we find them.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with this, I just have never been involved in one.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be?
I am not married but one day hope to be! Gay marriage is something we should celebrate, and I can’t wait to do it, I’m not in a rush though!
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
When I first started dating men, I had no clue what I was doing. For most of my life, I had dated women, so I thought I had it all figured out. But when it came to dating men, it was a completely different story. I remember going to dinner with a guy and offering to pay, like I always did when dating women. He was totally weirded out by it, and I realized then that I had no idea what “roles” I was supposed to play in a same-sex relationship.
Over time, I’ve learned that relationships aren’t about rigid roles—they’re about balance. In my relationship now, sometimes my partner looks to me to bring a more traditionally masculine energy, like being decisive or taking the lead. Other times, he needs nurturing, feminine energy from me, and that’s okay too. It’s about understanding each other’s needs and finding a flow that works for both of us.
There’s no blueprint for how these dynamics should look; it’s about creating a partnership that feels equal, supportive, and authentic to who you are. The key is being flexible and open to embracing the full spectrum of what each person brings to the table.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Relationships should not be about drama, games, or chasing people who treat you poorly—instead, they should be about mutual respect, stability, and connection.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
The best advice I’ve ever received—and it applies to relationships, friendships, and life in general—is: “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.” This quote, originally from Maya Angelou, has stuck with me because it’s a powerful reminder to trust people’s actions over their words.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
The best advice I can give is that you aren’t alone in this—and it does get better.
Ryan’s book, F*ckboys Are Boring, is available now.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: The Truth by Neil Strauss
TV Show: Queer as Folk
Movie: Harry Potter, duh
Song: “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton