The QLP Questionnaire: Sandy Sahar Gooen
"T4T stands for a sense of equality and mutuality, the underlying love and respect and understanding. It can also be applied to friendships, to colleagues, to looking out for one another… and sex."
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My name is Sandy Sahar Gooen, he/him or my name’ll do. I’m a freelance theater maker in NYC. Sometimes I’m onstage, mostly off as a music team member/writer/SM/other hats as needed. I do advocacy for trans musicians with TEMPO (@theetempo). I am a big lover and supporter and involved in other orgs including Broadway Cares and RISE. My shows include It Takes a Village, Pass/Fail, friEnDs, and, the current project, Twink Piece. I also write on Medium about theater and queer and Jewish stuff. Sandysahargooen.com
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
The language I most often use is queer man of trans experience. I’m somewhere on the bi spectrum but primarily “gay” and the gender label I use is “man,” but my experience of that is informed by being queer and trans.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I do. My ideal relationship status is with Shawn Mendes. I’m just kidding. Unless. No, seriously. My actual dream relationship is a primary partner with some form of open understanding around physical things, or as I like to call it, a “monogamish gay marriage.” I also think it’s important to have close friends as other loved ones but for me I’d love to find one special romantic someone.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That being in either arrangement determines a sense of being complete/incomplete.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
I was dating in preschool. Nearly all my friends as a little kid were boys, and I was lucky that kissing boys wasn’t nearly as stigmatized for me as my masculinity was. I received pressure for other activities later in my life, but when it came to my very early years, I was just a very affectionate kid, who eventually had to rein it in.
My early sex life was a lot of sneaking around… a lot of “Am I gay? Am I bi? What’s up?” And it’s only when I got my gender settled that sexuality made more sense.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Ok so. Hear me out. Love is neither of these for me. Here are a few words related to these examples given of effortless feelings for someone or the things that are the result of working for a long time.
Infatuation and limerence are both forms of intense desire. Infatuation isn’t deep, and it isn’t based in much. Limerence is a little more deep, but it’s all in one person’s head. It can often look like an obsession, a crush, unrequited feelings. And both of these are NOT all love is.
A relationship is what you work at; we have relationships in so many different shapes. And the depth and work to which you are alluding is built on intimacy, a closeness and trust, and commitment, a bond and active pursuit of connection and responsibility to one another.
Love is the feeling that underscores all these things and more. Love takes many shapes, too. For example: familial love, platonic love, romantic love, admiration, lust… Love is a relational thing, these other things are how love manifests and is expressed.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I wish I could have every need met. It would be really cool if one person met them all. I’m finding it’s realistic to hope more needs are met and that maybe they will not all be met by a primary partner.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
Ongoing journey since I was a tween, taking some stops on the full spectrum.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I will share that while I have many icons, I haven’t felt like the people like me have relationships like I want. Maybe Elton John is close?
Do you have a Chosen Family?
I do! I have queer elders and queer siblings and am a queer mentor/parental figure to some folks. I feel very connected to a greater network. And that love runs deep.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
I’m the stereotypical mama’s boy. We’ve had our ups and downs but she is the person with whom I am the closest. I definitely have relationships with much of the rest of my family but we love each other a LOT.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I like finding ways to express ourselves authentically and beautifully. I dislike feeling like I’m not enough partly because of who I am, and the experience of “compare and despair.”
Have you experienced heartbreak?
The most profound experiences of heartbreak I have had stem less from the loss of romantic or sexual partners, and more from the loss of friends, mentors, others I have held close… in some cases, people I have spent several years loving. Heartbreak is one of the reasons I struggle to form intimate relationships.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
T4T is in many cases used to refer to relationships where both partners (or more, if that’s what floats your boat) are trans. I am not exclusively T4T, however, in many contexts, I love what it stands for. A sense of equality and mutuality, the underlying love and respect and understanding. T4T can be applied to friendships, to colleagues, to looking out for one another… but in many cases, T4T is also about sex and relationships. The sex is incredible (sorry mom and dad). T4T also liberates me from the quest for cis men’s approval, a quest that I definitely hope to outgrow.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
I do not feel a desire to be explicitly heteronormative, but I have to fight the impulse to be homonormative, aka: fit the “respectable gay” models for being.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I’ve done the open relationship thing, and been a “special guest” for others more often… I don’t think I can do a polycule.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I’d love to get married. I had the fortune of going to two LGBT weddings of chosen family members this past year, and I was part of the ceremony for the one between two lovely men I am close to. I’m big on spiritual and cultural things, and I hope to find a way forward someday.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
I have! Prior to transition, I was constantly being told I didn’t measure up to what a woman “should be,” but now I do not measure up to what a man, trans or cis, “should be” either, and I think that I want to do away with any of that recreation of cis or hetero stereotypes.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Below, please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Books: I have endless lists… but the ultimate collection of stories that I recommend to anyone who is even remotely adjacent to gay men is Why are F*****s so Afraid of F*****s by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore, and the trans guys specifically need to read We Both Laughed in Pleasure, which is the collected diaries of Lou Sullivan. Also, A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar by Harry Nicholas.
TV Show: There have been many TV shows, but the BBC’s Beautiful People is forever that show for me.
Great video and interview!
The performance in the video was so good!
I read two books of essays curated by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore. Also so good.