The QLP Questionnaire: Aidan Wharton
"We live in this culture of heavy romanticism, where needing to do hard work in/for a relationship is frequently seen as a bad omen ... but that's what makes it beneficial for all parties."
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Hi friends! My name is Aidan Wharton, and I’m an actor, writer, and Queer advocate originally from the Big Island of Hawaii. I traded the tropical jungle for a concrete one and am currently living in New York City. Most recently, I appeared in the Broadway and National Tour productions of Girl From The North Country and Wicked, and films such as Fire Island and Bros. While touring, I started my own newsletter, Gay Buffet, to advocate for Queer nonprofits around the country and uncover the unique Queer histories of each city I visited.
Now that I’ve returned home, Gay Buffet has become an essential outlet and community space for me. My writing draws from my time on stage, my relationship with my fiancé Casey, and my deep passion for all things Queer. I always aim to bring the sunny optimism of my Hawaiian roots to everything I do and invite you to come along for the ride!
I’ve also recently launched a paid subscription that dives deep into Queer Sex topics through a lens that is both thoughtful and spicy. Recent articles include “Why Travel Makes Us Horny” and “How Gay Sex is Affected by Instagram”. They’re a ton of fun, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed writing them!
Thank you so much for having me Jerry, let’s dive in!
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I am 29 and live in New York City, but I grew up in Hawaii. My dad did his Peace Corps training there, and so, when I was born, my family decided to uproot and move to a very, very remote yurt in the jungle.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I identify as a cis, gay man.
What is your relationship status?
I’m engaged to my incredible partner, Casey Garvin, whom I’ve been with for almost seven years (with a little breakup in the middle). We got engaged in August of ’23 and will be married in August!
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I love relationships of all kinds and every type of connection. Casey and I have built an open relationship that is rooted in our strengths as communicators, and that is proving to be the “ideal” relationship for me. So, if I had to define it, I’d say my ideal relationship is a primary partner with friends and lovers around.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
I think the biggest misconception about relationships is that once you meet “the one,” they should just be able to “get you.” We live in this culture of heavy romanticism, where needing to do hard work for a relationship is frequently seen as a bad omen. But in reality, the hard work of a relationship is what makes it lasting, healthy, and beneficial for all parties.
When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My very first kiss was with my seventh-grade girlfriend, and I absolutely felt pressured into it. My first same-sex kisses were in high school and were usually dares that turned into secretive sleepover kisses. So, while these weren’t entirely pressured, they weren’t the romantic moments I dreamed of.
I think of my first real kiss as the one I shared with my first boyfriend while I was in Boston between my junior and senior years of high school. There was absolutely no pressure, and I remember thinking, “This, THIS is what it’s supposed to feel like.” It inspired me to come out publicly a few weeks later!
When did you come out to family, friends, and others for the first time?
I came out in waves. I came to terms with it myself in the Spring of my junior year of high school. Then I told a few close friends, and then I told my parents. After that, I told my siblings, then a list of some other friends, and lastly, I posted about it publicly on Facebook right before senior year with the classy “Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not.” Then I wore THIS outfit for National Coming Out Day, so as you can see, I’ve always been very proud of being gay.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I define love as a beautiful, strong bond that you build with someone over time. I think love grows and morphs, and as long as your relationship is healthy, it deepens and becomes richer over time, like a fine wine.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I think relationships are a good balance. I’d never withhold anything from Casey, but we’ve both learned that not everything always needs to be shared. He has taught me a lot about the importance of independence within relationships and we’ve also found how important it is to cultivate a little sense of mystery when things feel too familiar (which we learned from the writing of Esther Perel).
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
I remember watching the U.S. version of Queer as Folk (dubbed in Portuguese with English subtitles) on YouTube in high school. While the show didn’t exactly teach me about relationships, it was the first time that I can remember seeing a whole variety of Queer storylines and friendships, which was vital for me in small-town Hawaii.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I love that we get to make up our own rules. I think that as long as your communication is very clear, the sky's the limit. I’ve had really incredible experiences dating all sorts of people, and it has helped me learn so much and grow in a way I could never have if I were stuck in heteronormative dating patterns. My favorite example of this, I actually wrote about for the QPL, linked below!
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
That work within a relationship is a good thing. So many people tell you that a relationship should be easy, so the moment it’s not, you start to doubt. But I’ve learned that relationships should have lots of ease, yes, but they’re also really complex and challenging because we humans are complex and challenging. As life changes, your partner will change, and you will change, and as long as you’re committed to changing together, that’s what keeps things interesting.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Oh, so many times. But I don’t run from heartbreak anymore. As I wrote for the QPL (see article above), I think that heartbreak is not a reason to stay away from relationships. I think that the heartbreak that comes at the end of any relationship is so worth the love, joy, and memories that come before it.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
All of them. It sounds cheesy, but every single moment that I’ve had in any Queer relationship has been a gift. I feel as though my life is so much more expansive and rich because I’m gay, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
When I was coming out to myself, one thing that made me sad was that being gay meant having kids would be harder, but as I’ve gotten older, my desire to have kids has faded. Whether that’s being more comfortable with being gay and kidless, mortality, or the ethical complexities of having a kid in our current climate, who knows? So, I think in another life, I’d say that I wish I could have kids, but right now, I’m perfectly content as is. It also helps that between Casey and me, we have 10 nieces and nephews, so we don’t lack that kid energy in our lives.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship, or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I’ve definitely been in plenty of relationships that involve more than two people, but the labels have never been super rigid, even though the feelings have always been intense and genuine. I think it’s a gift that Queer people can give our love away in a wider spectrum than straight people are allowed to. And while I’ve never been in a structured polyamorous relationship, I enjoy the freedom that openness allows me to blur the lines between friends and lovers.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I will be in two months! When Casey and I started talking about proposals, we knew we wanted it to feel like us. So, we ended up picking out our rings together, but keeping them hidden from one another, choosing a date, and then giving them to each other. We didn’t want it to feel one-sided or like someone was surprising the other. And in the same way that we’ve crafted our relationship to be perfect for us, we’re approaching our wedding and marriage the same way.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Absolutely. I had an early partner who inadvertently weaponized masculine and feminine roles. See, I’m very emotionally available and gentle, and this led to a bit of “Aidan’s the girl in the relationship.” So, while I enjoy tapping into my femininity, having it (unintentionally) weaponized in that way was really harmful to my early gay emotional processing.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve really stopped thinking about anything in terms of masculine or feminine roles. With Casey, we’re wonderfully equal. How we lean on each other and who provides what for whom and when is a constant ebb and flow. It’s exactly the level of balance I need as a Libra.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Communication is key. If you have a partner who is committed to effective communication and growth and willing to explore issues as they arise, there’s nothing you can’t overcome.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Explore what you think you’re looking for. A lot of times, we feel hopeless about love because the expectations we’ve been taught are not only too high but actually impossible. There is no one out there who will check every single box for you, but there are so many people out there who will love you, make you happy, care for you, and grow with you.
The sooner you accept your own flaws and that your partners will have flaws, the sooner you can actually move through that and create your own happy, healthy, thriving relationships.
Well friend, thanks for reading, and if you want to stay in touch, please subscribe to Gay Buffet for more of me, direct to your inbox!
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Below, please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Books:
Relationships: The School of Life: This is my bible of relationships. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It changed my whole worldview and gave me all the tools I use daily in my relationship.
The Ethical Slut: This is a great starting point for any couple interested in non-traditional relationships. I highly recommend reading it together and discussing along the way. It has great resources for jealousy.
Mating in Captivity: Esther Perel is one of the greats, and this book really explores the science behind lust and libido and gives really great advice on how to nurture sensuality as your relationship progresses.
Movie:
Arrival:You may not think an alien movie has much to say about love or relationships, but you would be deeply wrong. It’s one of my top three films, and whenever I’m going through a hard time, I put it on.
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-gender relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
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So sweet getting to know Aidan better over here on QLP! Nice work, and a total pleasure.