The QLP Questionnaire: Lawrence Everett Forbes

"I find being single to be empowering, fun, and extremely reasonable in today's world. I am a party of one, accent on the party!"

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I am a 2025 Lambda Literary Fellow and former Hurston-Wright Award finalist who received my MFA in Writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. I have written for The New York Times, Newsweek, and Wired magazine. I'm currently working on a father-son memoir about myself and my 91-year-old West-Indian father, a U.S. Army veteran with dementia. You can find me on Instagram.

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What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I'm 54 years old (like the famous Studio), I live in New York City, and I grew up in East Flatbush, Brooklyn.

How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I define myself as queer, based on a quote of bell hooks: “Queer, not as being about who you’re having sex with—that can be a dimension of it—but queer, as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and thrive and to live.”

What is your relationship status?
I am happily single.

Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
I am in my ideal relationship status; the bachelor's life suits me well!

What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
The biggest misconception about being single is that you're always looking for a relationship. I find being single to be empowering, fun, and extremely reasonable in today's world. I am a party of one, accent on the party!

When was your first intimate moment? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
My first "intimate" moment occurred at 14, when I was raped by an older cousin on my father’s side. It took a lot of therapy to turn such a violent introduction to sex into an ultimately pleasurable act, but I have finally reclaimed my own concupiscence and advise anyone with a similar history to do the same.

My first consensual intimate moment involved holding hands with my first boyfriend in San Francisco and kissing him on every street corner from the bar to his place. It made me feel both free and proud.

How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
I would define love as being a lot like a chord: a combination of affection, ardor, passion, and trust. Hitting any one of the notes is sound, but hitting all of them together makes a heart really sing! That said, true love requires work, mutual respect, shared values, and reciprocity.

Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
I would say that friendships fill my needs for closeness with another person. I don't think it fair to leave one person responsible for all of my (deepest) needs. I prefer to spread them among all of the people in my circle. The cumulative result is me feeling loved and connected to other people.

When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I was 21 years old—so 33 years ago! I actually typed up a memorandum and mailed them to people in my life. (This was before email.)

Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-gender or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
Yes: My mother had a gay coworker who left an impression on me. His name was Pat Giandolfo, and he was my first gay person. My parents loved him, and he came with us on a few family vacations. Writing this, I now realize I may have modeled myself after him. Wow!

Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Odyssey's "Native New Yorker" taught me all I ever needed to know! ("No one opens the door/For a native New Yorker")

Do you have a "found family" or "chosen family"?
I do have a chosen family of a few close friends I've made over the years, and I love them dearly.

What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
My relationship with my biological family—Mom, Dad, Brother—is good. I moved back from California last year to help take care of my 91-year-old father, who lives in New York. My extended family, on the other hand, are a bunch of strangers, with a few cool cousins scattered about for maximum effect. I'm the first out queer on both sides of my family.

What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I dislike everything about dating as an LGBTQ person! I find that people are too indecisive and noncommittal. The current climate does not feel made for finding a partner. Everyone has way too many options and sidepieces for my taste.

I miss connecting with people, which I don't feel really happens anymore—at least romantically. I like a one-on-one relationship; not this relationship in one corner and "friends with benefits" in the other business.

Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
Yes—dating as an open-minded Black man is hard. I prefer Men of Color, because there is less race-based fetishism, which I find tiring and an inevitable part of dating White men. I have to know about Black culture and White culture, because I live in the world.

I find most White men oblivious to the realities of Black Life, which I find enervating and unfair. I don't want a tourist; I want someone who has taken the time to try and learn about my culture—or who already understands it.

Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
Yes, I have. I have had trouble finding trustworthy people among the abusers, control freaks, and fetishists I've encountered. Consequently, I have tended to prioritize my friendships over my romances, mostly because they last longer. (My oldest friendships are over 35 years old.)

What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
I've learned that your honesty, trust, and ability to communicate mean nothing if the person you're dating doesn't value the same things.

Have you experienced heartbreak?
I have, yes.

Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-gender or queer relationship?
I haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a season, but my favorite moments involve waking up in someone's arms, spooning and cuddling in repose.

Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
My parents have been married for 55 years, and I sometimes wish I had a partner I could depend on and who could depend on me for that long.

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
No thank you! I'm an introvert, so one person is enough for me.

Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
No, I'm not married. I've never really thought about it for myself—when I came out in 1992, gay marriage wasn't an option. Now that it is, open relationships are the trend.

Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Yes: I've too often been cast as a top, due to racial stereotypes/fantasies. I think of myself as bottom who changes things up depending upon the mood and absence of fetishism.

What is your philosophy about relationships?
I think platonic and fraternal relationships are more important than romantic ones. Lovers come and go, but friends outlast lovers, especially in today's disposable dating climate.

Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
"Beware of size queens!" And now I am one! Ha!

Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Love is not impossible to find, but you may have to broaden your parameters about the kinds of love you invite into your life. If you have friends and chosen family who love you, then you've already won.

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BONUS:

We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.

Books: Jeanette Winterson's Art & Lies; Percival Everett's Erasure

TV: Chopped, Shark Tank, RuPaul's Drag Race

Movies: David O. Russell’s I Heart Huckabees, Gus Van Sant’s My Own Private Idaho

Songs: Anything by Stevie Wonder, Joni Mitchell, and Amber Mark

Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact(s) you'd recommend: Cabaret was fantastic—and so was Orville Peck!

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