The QLP Questionnaire: Troy Ford
"A sense of humor can smooth the edges off many a rough spot. I can’t see how a relationship would work if you can’t laugh with and at each other—and especially at yourself."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I am a writer, editor, and newsletter publisher living in Spain since 2019. My personal Substack, FORD KNOWS, is an eclectic mix of fiction, personal essays, and various ravings that tend toward the cheeky and irreverent. I’ve been a reader for the BookLife Prize, Publishers Weekly’s annual self-published award, and also offer editorial feedback through Pencilhouse, an online writers’ resource.
Since November of last year, I’ve been serializing my second novel, Lamb, the bittersweet story of two gay friends from high school coming of age in 1990s San Francisco. The ebook and print version will be released next summer. My first novel, Watrspout, is on submission.
Qstack is the directory of LGBTQIA+ newsletters on Substack that I started because there is no official Substack category for us, and I was having trouble finding queer content without cumbersome keyword searches. We publish bimonthly guest posts by Qstack subscribers—everything from poetry to short stories, memoir and reviews—bringing visibility to the thriving community of queer writers. You can Get Listed, and Submit your own work for consideration. All are welcome!
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 55 and living in Sitges, Spain, the little gay holiday beach town about 30 minutes down the coast from Barcelona. I was born in Southern California, but my family moved from Redondo Beach to Saudi Arabia when I was seven for my dad’s work, and when we came back seven years later, I went to boarding school near Santa Barbara, and then to UC Berkeley.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
Gay or queer, though there’s a bit of bi, demi, aroace, and pan sloshing around in there somewhere.
What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
My husband and I have been together since 1999, and we got married in 2004 in Vancouver, BC.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other)
Having a special someone/s to share your life with is a wonderful thing, but I think it’s a mistake to be “married” to only one kind of relationship. Life is funny, and fickle, and if you know how to be comfortable alone or “other” for short or long periods of time, you won’t be disappointed if love doesn’t strike when and where you want it to.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
For singles? That they always wish they were in a couple, that it will complete them, that they are somehow incomplete or unhappy without a romance.
For marrieds? That it doesn’t change you, that you will be the same person down the road in a relationship as you were when you got into it. In other words, there is compromise (must be compromise) for a relationship to work. You can’t always have it your way.
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
Does playing spin the bottle with Susie in her closet in the first grade count? (Me again? Well, OK… ;) I had a lot of encounters I wouldn’t call “intimate” but were definitely naked stuff up to and through college. My first boyfriend was in my senior year at Cal.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?
Everyone is different; every love is different. For me right now, love is the deep and abiding affection I have for my husband of 25 years; it’s never been perfect but always respectful, and built on a shared desire to support and care for each other no matter the direction it seems to evolve. And it has evolved in that time, believe me—love isn’t static.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
Back to the “no such thing as a perfect couple” idea… My relationship fulfills a lot of my needs for closeness and intimacy, but all of them, all of the time? We weren’t made to order, so no, honestly. But if you’re waiting for perfection, you’re going to be waiting for a long time. I have some pretty deep introvert tendencies and need my alone time, while my husband is very outgoing—getting what we both need is a bit of a dance.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
I first came out sophomore year in college, and was out to everyone within a year or so. No one was surprised, except my mother—perhaps you’ve heard of her? Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
None, especially not in real life in the ‘70s and ‘80s. And if you saw someone on TV or in a movie, it was just stereotypes, code for How To Recognize a Homosexual—the lisping, the swishing, etc.—more for straight people to understand and define their right to feel superior to queer people than for us to understand ourselves.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Once I had come out at Berkeley and started meeting and knowing other queer people and finding queer media, of course the world cracked open and the transformation from furtive other to welcomed member was swift. But there was still a relatively small amount of mainstream media devoted to us which didn’t focus on stereotypes, and especially AIDS.
The Star Trek: Next Generation episode in which Riker falls for a female-identified member of a non-binary society was well known at the time as the “gay episode” in 1992, and of course there was the Tales of the City 1993 miniseries with the adorable Mouse who just melted my heart. Ellen wouldn’t come out for another four years, and Will & Grace debuted in 1998. The ‘90s in general seems to be the decade that changed everything, though Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax” in 1984 and Annie Lennox in all her glory were early tastes of what was to come.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Of course I know and understand what people mean when they say that, but I don’t really think in those terms. I have my husband, Leo, and we have our dog, Bubba–we are a family–and we have friends.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Though they were the right age and grew up in Southern California, my parents missed the whole hippie/counter-cultural revolution. They were dyed-in-the-wool Republicans and only ever reached a very grudging tolerance of me and my husband. They’ve both passed, and I’ve been estranged from my sister for about 10 years. She told her young children that my husband and I were brothers rather than tell them the truth. So other than a cousin who I exchange emails with a couple times a year, I have no relationship with my original family.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
I found dating incredibly difficult and anxiety-inducing. Being an introvert and neurodivergent, small talk with complete strangers, eye contact, and making connections has always been very hard for me. Unfortunately, alcohol became a crutch that led me down a fairly dark path. I’m sober now, but even if I were dating again, it would still be tough. Much of the loudest, most prominent messaging of the gay community continues to center on sexual attraction as the leading ingredient in our relationships. Lust is as much a drug as alcohol or any other substance, drowning out some of the quieter and more mindful qualities that are also important.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
No.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
In the end, I suppose my journey to wedded bliss was fairly pedestrian. I was 30 when I met my husband, he was 27. We both had trial relationships and boyfriends, but we’ve been committed to doing the work to maintain our marriage ever since.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
How crucial a sense of humor is; it can smooth the edges off many a rough spot. I can’t see how a relationship would work if you can’t laugh with and at each other, and especially at yourself.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
No.
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
I’ll keep that private, but yes, it has changed. It must change, and fighting against it is unproductive.
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
Being child-free—and feeling absolutely no pressure to be childful—is a joy, a happiness, and a pleasure. Kids ruin everything. (I joke, but seriously, no thank you.)
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
No.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
Yes, we have an open marriage and have both had long-term relationships with others. None currently, but we are both free to pursue extracurricular adventures.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
I think the biggest one has been the disparity in our incomes. We met while we both were working in financial services—he on the tech side, and me on the business side–but I left it early on to pursue a creative career that has had many twist and turns, none of them especially lucrative. His career in technology, on the other hand, has made a lot of things possible for us, like buying a house in the Bay Area, and ultimately, moving to Europe, and for me to pursue writing full-time. Navigating that has been challenging at times. Shared values around saving and living below our means to secure a healthy financial foundation have helped.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
Maybe: Keep your own side of the street clean? That’s a concept from sobriety that basically means don’t worry about what other people think or do, just focus on your own integrity and concerns.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
Practice forgiveness on a daily basis, because for every time they put the recycling in the wrong bin, you are snoring like a freight train and making their life a living heck.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Love yourself first. Really. Ask for help if you don’t know how or don’t know what that means. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and a good therapist will change your life (and like lovers, you might need to test a few before you find one that clicks.)
Put your energy into getting on with friends, hobbies, dancing, clubs, dogs/cats, volunteering, reading, writing, music-making, exercise, or days at the
beach—things you have some control over—rather than pining for romantic love.
Don’t wait to be invited—be the inviter; a special someone might be really glad you thought of them.
Read more by Troy Ford at his Substack, FORD KNOWS.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Please recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: The God of Ecstasy by Arthur Evans. Wow, this guy’s got a lot to say about where it all went wrong in ancient Greece with the toxic masculine ugh.
TV Show: Will & Grace—#TeamKaren
Movie: The Birdcage—Nathan Lane is a goddess.
Song: “All or Nothing” by Cher—Seven decades and counting…
Play, Musical, Other Cultural artifact: Cabaret (1972)—best filmed musical ever. (Watch “Willkommen” here)
Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.” Plus, find out how to submit your essay to The Queer Love Project. We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading.
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Many thanks, Jerry! Glad to be featured. 💜🎩🐈⬛