With a title like Men I Hate, Lynette D’Amico’s gorgeously written memoir in essays, you know people are going to raise an eyebrow. So when I invited her to join me for a chat recently, we definitely discussed the provocative title—and all the expectations that come with it.
As she explained, many people imagine it will be about right-wing enemies or other detestable people, but the reality is much more nuanced and complicated. Plus, as Lynette pointed out, the cover design also has a shadow title that reads: “men i love…”
By the way, her publisher, if you use Code “QLP” at checkout to buy Lynette’s memoir or other queer and sexuality studies books, you’ll receive 30% off + free shipping.
Some of you may be familiar with Lynette’s husband P. Carl’s memoir, Becoming a Man, which received widespread attention and has been adapted into a play. Men I Hate is Lynette’s side of their story, and is also about the formation of her lesbian identity and how Carl’s transition complicated her identity.
In the essays, she asks herself the question: Can a lesbian who loves a trans man still call herself a lesbian? After surviving coming of age in a traditionally gendered Sicilian American household, how does she make sense of men? What does it mean to love a man?
So I was eager to discuss these topics with Lynette in more detail. It was a fantastic conversation, and I learned so much about the durability and elasticity of longterm queer relationships.
We also spoke at length about another topic that I get asked about quite often: How do you write about friends and family in personal narratives? You’ll want to pay attention to what Lynette shares on the topic. You can also read more of her hard-won personal wisdom about it in this piece she published on her own Substack:
“I started writing these essays to help me clarify my own thinking. Desperation to say everything you need to say about your own story is a good place to start, so in draft stages I just spewed.
Which is what you do in a first draft. Tell the story, all of it. Don’t edit, don’t censor, don’t think how your pages will be received in the world. And be very judicious who you share your first pages with, especially as you are trying to work out your relationship to your subject, your own point of view to your subject. A first draft of an essay or a memoir is delicate, it’s a newborn. Don’t hand off the care and feeding of your pages to a brute of a reader, to someone who will slash and burn your pages and starve your creative energy. Your first reader needs to be generous and encouraging.
The slashing and burning will come. Trust me.”
Lynette generously read from the book, the piece titled “The Stasi Men,” which was also excerpted at Guernica magazine, and is an incisive bit of prose that examines masculinity. Plus, you can read an excerpt from another essay that QLP published earlier this year.
I want to thank Lynette for joining me for this chat, and all of you who tuned in during the live conversation via the Substack app. I’m glad I’ll have an opportunity to meet her and other writers and contributors in Baltimore next week when I attend the AWP conference. Here’s a guide to find out more about the activities, events and signings that The Queer Love Project is hosting. We’ll be publishing a a new essay on Wednesday but you’ll also be invited to join us for some live communications—so I hope you’ll join us!
