The QLP Questionnaire: Wayne Hoffman
"I routinely talk to straight people who wish they could organize their relationships as deliberately and intentionally as gay men can."
Did you struggle to find love? Or maybe you had a difficult time making it work in a same-sex relationship or outside the typical heteronormative parameters that dominate our culture and have lessons to share? Since most LGBTQ+ people don't have many role models to help us learn what it means to put ourselves together, we invite you to take “The Queer Love Project Questionnaire” and share your distinctive experiences so that others might learn from them. Email us at QueerLoveProjectSub@gmail.com to find out how you can participate.
I’m the author of three gay-themed novels (Hard, Sweet Like Sugar, An Older Man) and a true-crime family memoir (The End of Her), and a journalist who’s written about LGBTQ+ issues for the Washington Post, Village Voice, Out, The Advocate, Slate, Washington Blade, and dozens of other publications. More at WayneHoffmanwriter.com.
Read Wayne’s essay, “Gray Hanky, Left Pocket,” about his relationship with historian and scholar Allan Bérubé in the 1990s.
What is your age, where in the world do you primarily live, where did you grow up?
I’m 53, grew up in the D.C. suburbs but have lived in NYC for 30+ years, and also live part-time in the Catskills.
How do you define yourself on the LGBTQ+ spectrum?
I’m gay. Old school. Also queer. But most specifically, gay.
What is your relationship status? (Single/Dating/Longterm/Married/Other) Understanding that for some it can be “complicated,” feel free to use whatever terms make sense and as much details as you feel comfortable sharing.
Married.
Do you have an “ideal” relationship status?
My current status is pretty ideal.
What is the biggest misconception about being single or in a relationship?
That one is always better than the other, or more valuable than the other, or more permanent than the other, or more desirable than the other, or more problematic/challenging/pitiable than the other.
When was your first intimate moment (holding hands, kiss, etc.)? Was it with someone you liked? Did you feel pressured into it?
This is a tough one. I held hands with my first boyfriend on our first date, and that was extraordinary. But I suppose there were a few intimate moments with other people before that; they just didn’t develop into something larger so they’ve receded in my rearview mirror.
How would you define love? Is it the thing you work at for a long period of time? Or is it the strong feeling you feel for someone right from the beginning for no reason?There are different kinds of love. Some you feel right away, some take longer to become apparent, some are fleeting while others endure. The trick is that it takes a while to figure out WHICH kind of love you’re feeling. And there is no reason that one kind of love is better than another. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my husband–all in different ways, but all those kinds of love are important.
Does the relationship fill your deepest needs for closeness with a person? Or do you prefer not to share every part of yourself?
No one person can fulfill all your needs forever. The sooner we get past that illusion, the more we can appreciate what we do have instead of complaining about the things we don’t have.
When did you come out to family, friends and others for the first time?
Started coming out at 15, and by the time I was 17, the whole world knew.
Did you have any LGBTQ+ role models as a child or teenager? What do you remember about images of same-sex or queer relationships or messages you gleaned?
I didn’t have specific role models—or I didn’t realize that I did until after I came out. The only things I’d seen were on TV or in movies, and those were few and far between in the 1970s/’80s.
Are there any pivotal pop culture moments that you credit for teaching about love and/or relationships?
Movies: My Beautiful Laundrette. Music: Bronski Beat. Book: Lost Language of Cranes. There were lots more movies and books and bands that mattered to me, particularly after I came out, but these were all things that influenced me before I came out, and while I was coming out.
Do you have a Chosen Family?
Yup.
What is your relationship with your biological family (if any)?
Outstanding.
What do you (did you) like about dating as a LGBTQ person? What do/did you dislike?
Dating was fine, especially if I obviously liked or didn’t like the person–then I knew what I wanted to do. The tough dates were with guys I didn’t immediately click with but also didn’t have any objection to–perfectly decent guys I had no reason to reject but also had no reason to pursue. I never knew how to handle those situations.
Has race, ethnicity or cultural differences been a factor in who you seek out?
Not particularly.
Have you had any difficulties dating or finding/keeping a relationship?
The nature of a longterm relationship is that it takes work to keep it going.
What’s the most surprising thing you have learned about relationships from your perspective?
The things you initially think REALLY matter turn out not to matter so much. And vice versa.
Have you experienced heartbreak?
Yup.
How would you term your sexual relationship with your primary partner? Has that changed over time?
We moved past our sexual relationship decades ago (literally), and this doesn’t matter at all. See answer above: “The things you initially think REALLY matter turn out not to matter so much. And vice versa.”
Do you have any moments of joy, happiness or pleasure that you can share about being in a same-sex or queer relationship?
Every week. Literally, every week. It’s been 35 years, and yes, every week. This would take a shelf of books to describe.
Are there any things that standard heterosexual relationships have that you feel are out of reach or that you wish you had or could achieve?
Quite the opposite. I routinely talk to straight people who wish they could organize their relationships as deliberately and intentionally as gay men can. The relationship my husband and I have built (and those so many gay couples around us have built) is more thoughtful and deliberate than any “standard heterosexual” model.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship or would you like to be in a situation that doesn’t involve just two people?
I’m in a longterm open marriage, which is not the same thing as a polyamorous relationship. I don’t envision including another person in the specific, actual relationship I currently have with my real-life husband. Does this mean I can’t imagine being in a polyamorous relationship if I were in a different situation with a different person? Maybe. I have no problem with the concept. But you don’t sign up for a concept; you sign up for a relationship with specific other humans, and right now, I’m with a specific human in a couple that, at the moment, doesn’t have an opening for another full-time staffer.
Are you married? Have you ever wanted to be? Whatever the response, explain why and what your hopes, dreams and journey has been like.
I’m married. Was never one of my goals (or his); was never an option to even consider when we got together in 1989. We did it for practical reasons after being together for a long time, once it became legal; after I realized that I didn’t have a (major) problem with the institution of marriage—which we could tailor to our own needs. I had a major problem with weddings, which I wanted no part of. So we eloped. Problem solved.
Have you had a difficult time navigating the “roles” you should play in a relationship?
Not particularly. I prefer to drive, so I drive. I prefer to cook, so I cook. He’s better at fixing things around the house, so he does that. We do the things we like to do, as much as possible, and divvy up the things that nobody likes to do, like cleaning the shower.
What is your philosophy about relationships?
This is a recipe for disaster: Go searching for a very specific relationship, and try to find the person to fit that role. Here’s a much better recipe: Go searching for someone you’d like to have in your life. Then figure out what role that person might play (friend, confidante, trick, colleague, bar pal, husband, fling, roommate, mentor). This way, you keep good people in your life and make your life richer, instead of simply discarding people because they didn’t fit the job description in your mind.
Any good/bad advice you received from a friend or queer elder?
A relationship that ends is not necessarily a failure: It was a success for whatever period of time it worked. And gay men, more than anyone in the universe, are good at maintaining connections with former partners–more proof that we can and should find people we care about and then figure out how they fit into our lives. Just because one role stops working doesn’t mean you always need to cut that person out of your life.
Any advice you’d give to someone younger than you who thinks it’s impossible to find love?
Don’t look for a husband. Look for someone you care about and then figure out what kind of connection that is.
Don’t forget to read Wayne’s essay, “Gray Hanky, Left Pocket,” about his relationship with historian and scholar Allan Bérubé in the 1990s.
BONUS:
We all need more inspiration. Recommend something that influenced or helped shape you significantly that you’d recommend to someone else.
Book: American Studies by Mark Merlis
Movie: My Beautiful Laundrette directed by Stephen Frears, starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Gordon Warnecke
Song: “Being Boring,” by Pet Shop Boys
Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.” Plus, find out how to submit your essay to The Queer Love Project. We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading.
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Wayne is absolutely correct about all of this.