What Music Shaped Your Ideas of Love? An Open Thread + Submissions Call
Pop music has influenced our ideas of love and longing for decades—and it continues to influence how generations of queer people persist and thrive. We want to read and share your stories.
If you have an essay on the topic of music, we encourage you to submit it to the Queer Love Project—I’d love to publish a series specifically focused on queer love and the songs that have changed our lives.
One of the most satisfying things about the answers to the QLP Questionnaire has been to see the diversity of creative responses to questions like, “Do you have a chosen family?” “What ‘roles’ do you find yourself playing in a relationship?” and “Have you experienced heartbreak?” Or, of course, the one question I ask all contributors to tackle: “How do you define love?” It elicits some of the most profound responses, and I plan to share more insights as I continue to compile and analyze them. (If you’d like to take the questionnaire, email us!)
At the bottom of the questionnaire is a BONUS section, in which I ask people to suggest movies, books, music, plays or other cultural artifacts that have had an influence on them. It’s also provided plenty of fodder for discovery!
I find music both fascinating and insidious. It can creep into your subconsciousness and complicate your thoughts and perceptions without you even being aware—or help you emote when your own words fail you. Have I over-related to Tori Amos or Ani DiFranco lyrics. Hell, yeah!
For several years in my twenties I threw an Unhappy Birthday party in which we danced in homage (and parody) to Morrissey’s videos since the Moz’s birthday happened to be the day before mine. If you’ve never had all the props (Band-Aids over nipples, chocolate bar played like a harmonica, copies of Keats and Yeats poems) and outfits (gold lamé! sheer black blouses!) to perform a very aerobic rendition of “November Spawned a Monster” in all its studied despair, then you don’t know what you’re missing.
Does the mopey singer-songwriter with the iconic pompadour have problematic politics and many other personal issues that don’t align with my worldview? Yep, but that doesn’t negate the power of those songs to transport me to a a euphoric 15-year-old headspace. “Tomorrow/Will it ever come?/ And if it does come/ Will I still be human? … Tell me that you love me!/ I know you don’t meant it!”
Nobody writes lyrics like that! (Sorry, Taylor, but yours don’t even come close.)
I’ve found over the years of being a journalist, and specifically one focused on arts and culture, that most of us stop “liking” new music some time in our twenties. No fault of our own, but we often become ossified and rigid and think “our music” is best and that crap the next generation is blasting is mediocre in comparison.
It’s one reason why I can relate to (fellow Gen-Xers) Wayne Hoffman, who recommended “Being Boring,” by Pet Shop Boys, or Alex Espinoza for highlighting “Move in the Right Direction” by Gossip (I adore Beth Ditto and met her once and overshared my enthusiasm in person). Plus, I also enjoy Everything But the Girl, and I was thrilled to see Chad Beguelin include their track, “We Walk the Same Line.” And let’s not forget this past week’s answers from Luis Gabriel Illades, who many may recognize from pioneering queer-punk band Pansy Division (if you don’t know their songs, you don’t know what you’re missing). He’s also toured for years with the iconic art punk band Avengers and included a great playlist at the bottom of his questionnaire.
On a side note: If you want to get an excellent taste of that ‘80s New Wave era, I recommend you check out Russell T Davies’ It’s a Sin (streaming on Max). Not only does it have more Pet Shop Boys (as the title indicates), the soundtrack, like the entire series, is stunning. Plus, it stars Olly Alexander, a queer musician with some great music of his own to discover.
Luckily, I am still familiar with Charlie MacCall’s recommendation of “Best To You” by Blood Orange (although it doesn’t resonate with me on a deep level). But I had to look up Natalia Weaver’s suggestion of “Angels on the Moon” by Thriving Ivory, as well as Edgar Gomez’s rec: “FruityBoy” by Villano Antillano—but am so glad I did!
Then of course, there were the recommendations of various Barbra, Lady Gaga, Cher and other gay faves. Yes, we stan you.
Because of my decades of tracking the latest trends, I’ve managed to stay a little more plugged into the new stuff (although there’s plenty of the most popular hitmakers that simply don’t do it for me). When Billie Eilish’s first album—which included the darkly sexy and disturbing “Bury a Friend”—emerged, I felt like she was singing for me, although I’m decades older and far from her particular experiences.
Same for that day in July 2021 when Lil Nas X dropped the video for “Industry Baby.” Obsessed is an understatement. I watched it over and over again. I enjoyed that entire album, in fact, mostly because it’s remarkable it exists. I could never have imagined that something so homoerotic and uninhibited would exist in my lifetime. It helped me get through some strange pandemic days, offering hope and a sexy thrill. When I saw him in concert at Radio City Music Hall a year later for the Long Live Montero Tour, I may have been one of the older fans in the audience (well, except for Madonna, natch), but I was no less enthusiastic.
After attending Melissa Etheridge’s 2023 Broadway show, My Window, I got a little nostalgic for memories of how her songs helped me during my teenage dating years in the Deep South, and I recently shared a version of an essay on how lesbians taught me queer love could thrive.
Music continues to shape my personal narrative, and I know I’m not alone. So…
Can’t forget the obvious… Bronski Beat “Small Town Boy”, Violent Femmes “Blister in the Sun”…
There are so many I can think of and so many associations with each song. How about “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins. It sounded like nothing else at the time and seems to me queer coded from start to finish. 😃